Never Let Go
by SIAA
Summary: Nikki and Trisha adopt a baby girl but their world is turned upside down when her Mother appeals to get her back. Nikki/Helen AU
1. Chapter 1

It was nearing 5am on a seemingly normal Sunday morning as the sun began to slowly dawn over the snow-capped mountains of Ben Lomond, casting orange-hued shadows across the Loch that ran peacefully beneath it. Seagulls circled overhead, squawking noisily as they soared through the cloudless blue skies of summer. It was a picture perfect postcard of and idyllic Scottish scene, but in a lone cottage that sat silently on the riverbank, things were far from peaceful or serene.

From inside, the deep, throaty cries of anguish echoed out into the far beyond ; to a place where no one could hear.

*****

"Sean! Have you seen my bag anywhere?" Helen exclaimed loudly in the direction of the bedroom as she walked at a speedy pace from room to room, her eyes rapidly scanning the floor for the handbag she had discarded on her return home from work.

"It's on the kitchen bunker, Hels!" he yelled back, despite the fact he was within touching distance behind her, causing her to jump in fright. The scowl that was etched across her face as she turned to berate him wasn't enough to wipe the smirk off of his lips.

"Jesus, Sean. Do you have to sneak up on people like that. One of these day's you're going to give me a bloody heart attack." Taking a quick swig of her orange juice she pulled the bags strap over her left shoulder and gave him a gentle peck on the cheek.

"Don't I get a better kiss than that before my woman swans off to work and abandons me?" The pouty expression which he had mastered as a child in a bid get his own way with his mother was not working on Helen. If anything it was having the opposite effect. Like listening to nails being dragged down a black board, she inwardly shuddered.

"Lets get a few things straight, Sean. Firstly, I'm not "your woman" and secondly I'm not abandoning you. I have a job to go to, to keep this roof over our heads. Surely as a grown man you can understand that." She knew the last comment would hit a nerve but rather than feel guilty, she felt empowered. Standing up for others was second nature, but standing up for herself was not a trait that came naturally.

"But, Hels, you don't even enjoy what you do. You're always moaning to me about old Shufflebottom and his sidekick Fenner ganging up on you." Sean whined, pathetically.

"It's Stubberfield, and you are sorely misinformed. I may hate the petty bureaucracy that goes on in Larkhall, but that doesn't mean I hate my job. I happen to like what I do. For once in my life I feel like I'm making a difference. I'm starting to gain the confidence of the women in my care and that's all the matters to me. As for Stubberfield and Fenner; they can crawl up each others arses and disappear for all I care." Sean chuckled uncomfortably, but Helen remained straight faced. Her career was no laughing matter to her.

"Ok, point taken. But, darling, I really do wish you would reconsider carrying on in the prison service after we are married. There really is no need. My brother Mark and his wife live very comfortably thanks to Mummy and Daddy. They will see us alright too." Sean brushed his hand through Helen's hair and she flinched just enough for him to notice. "Come on! What woman wouldn't give their right arm for a life like Lucy's? Eh? All she does all day is shop and if she's home, supervise the cleaner." Helen couldn't believe what she was hearing. Had she been so weak when she met Sean that she had overlooked his flaws, of which he had many.

"Oh, which reminds me to tell you. Mummy called last night to tell me Lucy is expecting…due in June I'm sure she said. Isn't that wonderful news?" Helen recoiled and tried to quickly escape the tight space between her boyfriend and the kitchen cupboards. His conversation was going down a road she was not in the least bit comfortable with.

"I'm late for work. Excuse me, Sean."

"But Helen…"

"This isn't open for discussion Sean, now leave it!" And with that she stormed off out of the house, slamming the door behind her as she went, before he could see the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks.

HMP Larkhall had its usual sombre air as Helen walked the draughty corridor towards the office of her superior, Karen Betts.

"Morning, Helen. Thanks for joining me at such short notice." Karen nodded towards the seat opposite her desk, gesturing Helen to sit.

"It's no problem, I wasn't too busy anyway. So, what's this about Karen?" Helen took the seat across from the new deputy number one and made herself comfortable.

"I've had a briefing land on my desk this morning from area management about the recent unannounced visit and inspection from the board of inspectors, and things aren't looking too rosy. It seems several problem areas have been pin-pointed for our attention and we have been given a month to rectify the problems, or the home office is going to come down heavily on us." Karen paused momentarily to light a much needed cigarette before she continued.

"Now, from what I can see G-wing is under the biggest threat. According to the Chief Inspector of Prisons he has found it badly managed and has recommended that several fundamental changes are made, and as soon as possible."

"Badly managed? So what you mean is the axe falls upon my neck? Bloody great!" Helen rubbed her forehead vigorously to try and ease the throbbing vein in her temple. Just when she had thought her day couldn't possibly get any worse and here she was, sitting in front of her friend and colleague being told in a round-about way to shape up or be shipped out of the service for good.

"Helen, no one said it was solely your neck on the block. We are all in deep shit, in one way or another, from senior management right down to the junior members of staff. No fingers are being pointed as of yet, not until we do our own internal investigation to determine what is going wrong. In the mean time I have a few suggestions, some you may not be happy with. First of all I'll state the obvious and say we need to be running a tighter ship here at Larkhall. I need everyone briefed that everything that is said or done is to be okayed by me primarily, before I pass it on to Simon. I need a thorough, airtight report that area management cannot fault." Karen's jaw tightened in anger, relaxing momentarily to inhale on her cigarette. Helen could see was stressed

"Okay, I agree with that. So what's the part I'm not going to like? Don't sugar coat it, Karen. I'm a big girl, I can deal with whatever it is." Truth be know Helen's insides were churning. She didn't think she could cope with it at all, and dreaded hearing the next words out of Karen's mouth, but bravado had always been her way of staying somewhat composed.

"This isn't my decision, Helen. Simon has asked me to speak to you in confidence about this on his behalf…"

"I bet he has," Helen sneered in contempt for the man who made it his daily mission to upset her.

"He wants you to be demoted for the time being, until my report for area management had been submitted, at least. He's asked me to take over the running of G-Wing in the mean time, and wants you assigned to jailer duties as of this moment on."

"What? Karen, you can't be serious? The prisoners on G-Wing will have a field day with this. Do you know the backlash I will take? No one will treat me with any respect…they are like coyotes at the best of times."

"I know. And that's why we've decided not to send you onto G-Wing. Simon wants you to supervise the officers on the mother and baby unit. You will still receive your grade 4 pay scale, so don't worry about that." Karen continued to talk on, but Helen had stopped listening upon hearing the words "mother and baby". An all too familiar ache twisted in her chest and she suddenly found it hard to breathe. Suppressed memories would no longer be able to be forgotten, no matter how deeply buried they were. The past life she had spent so long running from was catching up with her and they would soon dictate her entire future. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

It had now been three weeks since the fateful meeting with Karen Betts regarding area managements investigations into the poor running of Larkhall and Helen didn't know how much more she could take in her job. Assigned to the Mother and Baby unit, that was affectionately known amongst the inmates as Mums and Bums, was grinding her into the ground. She could feel she was becoming a shadow of her former self but there was nothing she could do to stop. She was drifting off into a solitary world, where she electively shut out everything and everyone. Even Sean, who at his best was never observant of a persons feelings, had noticed that she wasn't the Helen Stewart he had entered into a relationship with. The little kisses she would plant of his lips as he walked in the front door fresh from finishing work were no longer, and neither was their sex life. Every time he tried to initiate anything even remotely amorous, Helen would turn her back, feigning a headache or tiredness. Every touch was rebuked; every kiss shunned.

He could not understand what he had done wrong. One minute they had been fine and the next minute he felt like he was a lodger in Helen's home as opposed to being her fiancé. He racked his brains, going over and over the day things seemed to turn sour, trying to remember everything that he had said and done, but nothing seemed to get him any further forward to understanding Helen's behaviour. So he came to the conclusion it was nothing to do with him at all. It must have been the problems at the prison, and he was as usual on the receiving end of the crap.

Helen on the other hand knew the real reason why she didn't want Sean to touch her, and it ran a lot deeper than her job.

Nikki Wade sat in her office, her face was thunder; a headache erupting in her skull. It was almost the end of the tax year and she was trying to get her accounts in order before she handed them over to her accountant on Monday morning. She cursed her girlfriend Trisha and her lackadaisical attitude towards the behind the scenes running of their joint venture; a woman only nightclub in the heart of London's gay district, Soho.

When they had had the idea two years previously every bank manger in town had almost laughed them out of the bank. They lost track of the times they were told that the last thing that London needed was a new club, and that it would most likely fail within the first few months; leaving the women in debt up to their eye balls. But it was a risk both were prepared to take in order to fulfil their dream, and no stuffy pen pusher in a designer suit was going to deter them.

And so it was, two years later that "Chix" was in full swing, making exceptional profit and drawing in crowds that made their rivals seethe in jealousy.

"Want a drink, babe?" Trisha poked her head around the office door.

"No, I'm too busy." Nikki didn't even bother to look up from the piles of leather bound notebooks that were scattered around the desk.

"What's up?"

"This, Trisha…" Nikki threw the book she was working on into the air and watched as it landed back in front of her with a thump.

"The books are a bloody mess, and I can't hand them over to Geoffrey looking the way they do. So, it means I'm going to be stuck in this office the entire weekend, number crunching." Nikki's eyes settled back to the figures scrawled over the paper...each number merging into the other.

"But Nik, we have the meeting with the woman from the adoption agency tomorrow morning. You can't not be there."

"Shit! I had forgot about that…" Nikki put her pen down and slid back in her chair.

"Well, this adoption idea was all yours. I thought you'd at least remember something that appears to be so important to you…if it is?"

"Of course it's important to me! You know how much this adoption means to me…and I would hope it meant something to you too!" Nikki's brown eyes narrowed but Tricia could feel them burn in to her conscience.

"It does," Trisha looked away, hoping her answer would be sufficient and Nikki wouldn't notice her sudden discomfort.

The couple had been together for nine years, ever since Nikki had been disowned by her parents for admitting her sexuality and had made the move from her palatial family home in Kent to live in the big city. The streets London were reported to have been paved with gold; but instead she found it was paved with rubbish and down-and-outs.

Had it not been for Trisha's friendship in the early days Nikki wondered what would have become of her. Would she have survived the harsh adult world that she had no sense of as a teenager; 16 and alone without guidance.

She had found Trisha when she had hit her lowest point, working in a little café that sat on the banks of the Thames. The young blonde had got her a better paid job, and from then on they had been inseparable as friends, and after a year; lovers. But these days pressures surrounding them at work and home were beginning to take their toll. The love they would make on an almost daily basis was now once in a blue moon; their schedules overlapping and their energies waning; mostly through long, arduous hours and the fights that ensued because of it.

It had been Nikki's idea to start a family, although Trisha took much persuading. She had been discussing it for years, bombarding her girlfriend with facts and figures; IVF, fostering, adoption, until she finally relented and agreed to the latter option, much to Nikki's delight. It had been her dream to have a complete family; like the one she had missed out on as a child. Her Father was a naval officer, and she couldn't remember a time when he wasn't at sea, or holed up in his office going over statistic's with a fine tooth comb. He treated his kids and his wife like they were officers in his charge; shouting out commands and demanding respect; a thing Nikki rebelled against from the moment she could speak. All she craved was love, to give and receive, but still, after all these years there was still a gaping hole in her heart that she hoped to fill, and she believed a child was the answer. 

The journey from the initial enquiry to receiving a child had been a long, arduous and extremely invasive one but yet Nikki battled on and now, in just a few short weeks, the process would finally be complete. She would have her family ...and much more than she bargained for.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Hels, speak to me." Sean sat at one end of the Sofa and looked over at his fiancé who was tucked into the other corner, her eyes on TV, but her mind far from what was on the box. She hadn't spoken more than two words to him since she had arrived home from work, changed into comfortable clothes and plonked herself on the couch in an almost catatonic state.

"What about, Sean" Her answer came out in an exasperated tone that tapered off in a sigh . She was too tired for this talk; one which she had known was coming and that she had so far managed to avoid.

"Us! If there is an us? What's wrong with you these days Helen!" Sean twisted his body around to face her.

"Nothing is wrong with me." Helen's eyes didn't move from the television screen, for she knew if she looked at her fiancé the chances were she would dissolve and tell him exactly what was on her mind.

"There must be something bothering you, Helen? You act like you can barely stand to be in the same room with me. You won't talk, when you used to tell me everything, you don't want to make love to me any more, when you were never able to keep your hands off of me…what's changed? Is it me? Do you not love me any more, is that it?" She could feel Sean's eyes bore into her, pleading with her for answers; answers she couldn't give him without dredging up a past she had long ago suppressed. The memories caused too much pain to recall and she didn't think her heart could take it.

"You're being paranoid again, Sean. Not everything has to be about you. Now just leave it, will you! I've had a hard day at work and don't want to have to deal with this kind of shit when I get home, I get enough of it at Larkhall." Helen bit down hard on the inside of her lip to stifle a sob.

"So is that what it's about? You work? I've told you before, a million times; quit, I can support you. If you're having a hard time why stick around?" Helen felt her hackles rise as Sean continued to bait her, despite her asking him to let it drop. He never could take a hint, and this time he had pushed her too far with his constant insistence that she should become a glorified housewife, tending to his every need.

"Oh and you would love that, wouldn't you, Sean. Me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. You're not content having a girlfriend who values her independence, no, you want a Stepford Wife, a woman who will bare the heirs to the Parr empire, a robot who asks how high when you say jump. Well you can forget it right now. I will not be quitting my job when we marry. I have worked too damn hard to get where I am to pack it all in for some posh little bastard who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and who treats me like he is my father." Her tirade over, Helen fought to catch her breath and settle her rapid heart rate. She could feel her body shake in anger as she released a flood of emotions that for two years she had pent up inside her. People were forever making decisions on her behalf, telling her what was best for her in the long run. Well not this time. She had a perfectly good mind of her own and for once in her life she was going to use it and do what was right for her. Even if that meant hurting everyone that insisted they loved her. They could never feel pain like she had felt two years ago, when decisions had been taken out of her own hands and her world fell apart.

*****

Nikki stood in front of the body length mirror that was attached to her bedroom wall and applied the finishing touches to her make-up. She wanted to look perfect when the woman from the adoption agency arrived to give Trisha and herself the briefing on the child they would be taking into their care in less than a matter of weeks.

It had been a long process to get where they were. Almost two years of constant, gruelling battling with authorities and agencies to prove they were eligible as a lesbian couple to provide for some poor kid, who through no fault of their own had been abandoned by their parents and needed a caring, loving family environment, away from care homes and temporary foster families. Nikki knew the only reason they had finally been accepted onto the waiting list was the size of their bank account. Had it not been for that she knew they would have had a straight out rejection. But she wasn't about to start protesting over the injustice of it all, despite how angry it made her. A little person needed her help and that was all that mattered now.

Nikki understood the deep anguish of knowing that your parents didn't care for you, or love you in the way they should. Her own Mother and Father had proved they felt little more than an obligation to her when they had cut the metaphorical umbilical cord and cast her out of the family home at the tender age of 16; a time when she needed them the most. They were bigots and she knew it, but it didn't make the pain of rejection any less. She went over it, time and time again, analyzing the last looks they gave her, and the last words they had spoken. Had they truly meant to be so hurtful? Was the look of disgust in their eyes as she confidently uttered the word "lesbian" really only fear of what they did not understand? No matter how hard she tried to rationalise and comprehend their behaviour she always came back to the same thought. They were her parents and they were supposed to love her unconditionally…the way she was going to love this child.

The front doorbell echoed up the hallway and she quickly pushed aside all her thoughts and straightened out her clothes until she deemed herself presentable, and with a deep breath to cast aside her nerves she made her way downstairs.

"Mrs Hunt. Lovely to see you again." Nikki held out her hand as she stepped down from the last stair in greeting to the small, blonde woman who appeared to be in her early fifties.

"Miss Wade," With a gentle nod and a reassuring smile Barbara Hunt managed to settle the tension Nikki had built up in her body.

"Would you like something to drink? Tea, coffee?" Nikki fidgeted, wringing her hands as she awaited a response.

"I'm afraid I don't have time, this is just a fleeting visit, but thank you anyway."

"Ok, then please take a seat." Barbara sat herself down in the single chair closest to the door and Nikki and Trisha sat beside one another on the large, leather couch.

" I don't know if they woman who rang you to arrange this appointment explained anything to you," Nikki shook her head.

"Well, I'm only really here to give you this case file. In it is all the details you will both need to know about the child who is coming into your care. As far as I can see all the relevant paperwork has been completed and signed by yourselves, so all there is left to do is hand this over." Nikki eagerly, yet apprehensively took the brown Manila folder from the woman's hand and felt her attention instantly drawn to the tiny photograph that was loosely attached to the corner. It was a beautiful baby girl, whose smiling chubby face made Nikki's heart constrict with a feeling she had never felt before.

This was going to be her baby and when she finally got her she was never letting her go.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The cries of what to Helen sounded like a hundred babies echoed relentlessly around the cold, shadowy corridors of the mother and baby unit. The cries reverberated around her head, making her feel that she couldn't escape the noise. It was driving her into despair; a gaping abyss of memories, the ones she had tried so hard to forget, the ones that made her want to scream. She quickly covered her ears with her hands, but it couldn't stop the recollections that played over and over in her mind. She couldn't take this any more. Being surrounded by reminders of what she had lost was slowly tearing her apart. She had to get out now, before she finally snapped and lost the little sanity she was desperately clinging to for dear life; the sanity she had nearly lost two years ago.

Thirty minutes before her shift was over, Helen picked up her belongings and headed towards the main gates where she dropped off her keys with a forlorn nod to the on-duty officer and hastily made her way to her trusty red Peugeot 306. If she'd stayed those last few minutes she was sure she would have fallen to pieces.

Once inside the car she took a moment to compose herself, resting her head uncomfortably on the steering wheel until she felt she had the clarity of mind to drive. Why hadn't she protested more when Karen told her about the role she had been forced into? How could she have even contemplated taking this job? The quicker she got away from Larkhall, the better. Even if going home was like stepping into another prison; one that held her emotionally captive. But unlike her work, she had no keys to unlock herself from it's confines, just like the memories she couldn't leave behind.

The smell of home made cooking wafted under Helen's nostrils as she opened her front door and made her way inside to the warm hallway. But she didn't feel welcomed by the smell, it drifted up her nostrils and made her stomach clench with the thought she'd have to socialise with Sean when all she wanted was to go to bed and sleep- not that she'd been able to do much of that lately. She closed the door with a quiet click, and within seconds Sean had appeared in her line of vision, ladle in hand.

"Sweetheart, I thought I heard you," Helen grimaced as he made his way to kiss her, and she turned her face so his lips met with her cheek. He seemed oblivious to her emotional state and he was in a cheery mood that made Helen feel even worse.

"I've made dinner; your favourite, and I've invited Anna and Michael over. Oh, and Karen from work rang looking for you, said she had to speak to you urgently, so I asked her to dinner too. I hope you don't mind?" before Helen could say that she did, Sean was back in the kitchen leaving over the hot stove. Helen knew it was his way of trying to make up for yesterdays argument between them, but instead of making her want to relent and apologise for her heated tirade, it made her even more angry. Sean could easily have rang her at work and told her of his impending plans, even asked for her permission, but no, here he was, taking yet another decision into his own hands.

What if she'd been busy, had a prior arrangement and couldn't make it? Clearly he hadn't listened to a word she had said to him about his Dickensian attitude towards women.

She seethed in silence as she rid herself of her shoes and suit jacket.

"Why don't you go and put on something nice while I finish up in here. Everyone should be here any minute." Sean bellowed from the confines of her kitchen, his voice barely audible over the whir of the extractor fan. Each syllable that left his mouth made Helen's blood pressure escalate and her anger level following closely behind.

"Wear something nice? I've got a good mind just to throw on a tatty pair of jeans and an old jumper." Helen muttered to herself and slammed her wardrobe door shut with a force that shook the entire structure. She was in no mood to be dictated to, today of all days, and one more word from Sean and he would know all about it.

The door bell rang just as she pulled her top over her head. "Perfect timing" she thought to herself sarcastically.

"I'll get it!" She could hear Sean run through the hallway and greet his guests at the door with an excessively cheery disposition. Helen inwardly cringed.

"What did I ever see in him?" She wondered to herself as she reapplied a hint of powder to her face and ran a brush through her hair at her dressing table. She must have seen something, surely. There had to have been some kind of attraction? Or had it been because Sean had been at the right place at the right time - a time when Helen needed to lose herself and start again. At a time when she risked everything if she didn't lose herself in something so trivial as someone who kept her mind occupied. Had that been what she saw in Sean?

Looking for answers, Helen closed over her eyes and drifted back almost two years.

The drive down from Glasgow to London in the wee hours of the morning had been done in an almost hypnotic state. She hadn't cared that she was in no fit condition to be going anywhere other than to the local funny farm, and even the idea of losing control at the wheel, injuring herself and very possibly others had been no deterrent. She couldn't care less if she injured herself, or died. She wanted to be as far away from Scotland and her Father as she could possibly get and had she not run out of petrol near Watford Junction, just North of London, she knew she would have been half way across the other side of the world by now.

So as fate would have it she landed in London; dazed and confused with nowhere to go. Her only contact in the city was a friend from her University days, whom she had somewhat drifted away from since her return to Scotland. Claire Walker had been there for her since day one, and with a sister-like bond they had been inseparable right through to their graduation. But their job prospects had sadly pulled them apart, until now.

Straight after her studies Helen had gained a position to undertake a once in a lifetime opportunity; a fast track course into the prison service to which she had accepted immediately. She would have been a fool not to; as it would open doors for her to a career she was sure she would love.

However, Her Majesties Prison service wasn't all she had imagined it to be. It was a dark, cold and extremely lonely institution, which left you feeling powerless in your position, even when you had authority. But in spite of its varying and numerous flaws, she had adored her role as wing governor in a small establishment for women convicts. From the first day she had walked into her new office, complete with a nameplate on the door she knew this was her calling.

Inverstardie prison was an ominous looking structure, with its sturdy brick walls and barbed wires fences. Designed and built in the early 1800's by a local Scottish architect, it was tucked away discreetly in the middle of nowhere, amongst the peace of nearby mountains and lochs; the one saving grace of its isolation. And it was by strange coincidence that Helen's new place of work was a short drive to her Fathers home, which she had temporarily returned to under the premise that as soon as she was on her feet she would look for her own little cottage that she could call home. But that day never seemed to come round. After a year she still found herself under the roof where she had grown up, sleeping in the same bed, in the same room where she had lived out a million memories, the bad ones outweighing the good.

Everyday she promised herself that it would be her last in that house, but each day came and went with no firm result in her relocation; much to her despair. Her Father, the local Church of Scotland minister was a good man, held in high regard by his small flock; as a patient, caring soul whom the community could not live without. But Helen could and she would, gladly. For she saw her dad for who he really was. Not the smiling, lovable preacher her neighbours adored. No, she saw the bitter, twisted authoritarian, who daily made her life a misery with his indoctrinations and indomitably indignant opinions on how her life should be run. The Biblical quotations, which seemed to roll off of his tongue, brought out a stubbornness in her, to shun religion, and the parental ties that had bound her to the life of a virtual recluse. That was until a new employee entered her life.

Thomas Waugh seemed to have it all; charm, charisma, intelligence, looks, money, a good job, and best of all, an interest in her. She saw him as her get out clause. The key to the chains her Father had constrained her in, and a way to seek his approval. A relationship with Thomas was just what she needed, or so she foolishly believed. When she agreed to that first date, never did she think something so harmless could cause so much damage. But it did…and she was still paying for it now, and would continue to do so until the day she took her last breath.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Helen, what the hell is taking you so long? Everyone is here and waiting for you!" Sean seethed as he popped his head around the door of the bedroom to see where his fiancée was and what was keeping her.

"You don't have to whisper, Sean, our friends can still hear you reprimanding me from the sitting room…it's a small flat." Helen removed herself from her dressing table and followed him into the living room where a great show was made of delivering over-enthusiastic smiles, pretentious hugs, cheek kissing and badly hidden curious glances to see what Helen and Sean's bedroom discussion had been about.

All she could do to deflect the falseness that was Sean's friends was put on her own superficial act, and hope that Karen, whom she was not looking forward to talking to, took up all of her attentions. Karen's whittling on about Larkhall would be like a walk in the park. At least compared to the droning on of Sean and Michael about their year's spent at the posh all boys' school, Harrow, Anna's drab conversations about philosophy in the 21st century or Sean's discussions of their wedding.

"Make yourselves at home, and I'll go open some wine." Helen retreated to the kitchen, needing an escape, closely followed by a concerned Sean.

"Hels, what's wrong with you tonight? You seem to be off on a different planet. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that a nice evening with friends would be a tonic to you." Sean placed his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off cringing at the shortening of her name that reminded her of times she'd rather forget.

"Nothing is wrong." She answered abruptly and then softened her voice slightly,

"I'm just tired and could be doing with not having to entertain your friends until the early hours of the morning."

"What? They are your friends too. I hardly know Karen…"

"But yet you still invited her here." Helen interjected as she pulled the cork from the bottle of red wine with force and slammed the corkscrew back in to the "crap drawer".

"Darling, what is this about?" Sean may have looked relaxed on the outside, but inside he was trembling with nerves. Helen's sudden attitude in the last few weeks was scaring him. He was terrified she was on the verge of breaking their engagement and leaving him. He had to try and keep her sweet at all costs.

"Not now." Helen stomped off back towards the living room, where she was once again painted on a fake smile. But anyone who had cared enough to look closely would have realised those smiles didn't quite reach her eyes; as she handed around the requested glasses of wine. Sipping on her own glass of white she perched herself down at the dining table. She took a seat next to Karen, who was politely nodding away like a toy dog to one of Michaels tedious tales of his yearly visit to a Buddhist retreat in Tibet.

"It is just simply wonderful there, isn't it darling? We adore it. Three weeks of complete relaxation, meditation, chanting, group discussions about our feelings…it's such a cathartic experience." Michael seemed to drift off into his own thoughts and Karen stole the opportunity to roll her eyes at Helen who tried desperately to appear amused and to convince Karen she actually cared.

"Yes, liberates the mind, body and soul." Anna added with passion.

"Hmm, indeed. Sean and I were actually discussing it yesterday, weren't we old boy? Thinking of taking Helen there on honeymoon weren't you? I have to say I think it's the best idea you've had since I have known you. It's the most fitting way to start your marriage." Helen gulped audibly as the mouthful of wine she had been ready to swallow stuck in the back of her throat, almost choking her. Sean had only asked her to marry him a few weeks before, and already it seemed he had planned a lot more than their engagement without her consultation. Wasn't the bride supposed to have some kind of input, especially on something as big as the honeymoon? In fact, wasn't the bride meant to be the one carrying around the bridal magazines and driving her partner up the wall with discussions on Churches and guest lists? Helen felt Karen's eyes watching her in questioning pity, awaiting a remonstrative outburst, which she was not going to get. Sean and his stupidity would save for later when their guests were gone - this was one argument that was best saved for privacy.

As dinner was served and the conversations took a turn, Helen began to shut herself off from the friendly chitchat that was going on around the table and wandered back to her thoughts from earlier, which had been curtly interrupted by Sean's arrival in their bedroom.

*****************

"Helen? Wow, it's brilliant to see you! What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Claire stood in her front doorway, and observed the washed-out figure of a woman, whose once radiant appearance she had envied. Staring off into space in an almost hypnotic trance, Helen's skin looked grey against her drab clothing and, her piercing green eyes, which normally shone brightly, were dull and lifeless.

Claire was over the moon to have her friend turn up on her doorstep so unexpectedly, but the gut instinct she had learned to trust in her first year of law school was telling her something was very wrong with her best friend of 6 years. Helen Stewart was not one to turn up anywhere unannounced; especially after 12 months of little contact; and as always she was right. Helen dissolved into a flood of tears, sinking to her weary knees as the last spurt of strength diminished. All it took was one cheerful smile from Claire and question of her wellbeing for the repressed emotions of the past ten days to come rushing back to her, bringing her to a grinding halt with their ferocity. Up until now none of it had felt real. The images were like watching a bad nightmare repeated over and over in her mind, spinning out of control, in a whirlwind of terrifying emotions that sucked her up in to its core had destroyed her entire life.

"Helen? Helen! Come on, let's get you inside." Claire helped lift her friend to her feet and pulled her into the warmth of her apartment, where a dazed and confused Helen slumped herself into a chair, slouched like a rag doll.

Claire stood in the doorway, silently watching Helen sob painfully into her hands. It broke her heart in two to see a once carefree and optimistic girl turn into a woman whose apparent misery was ruining her. It had been little under a year since their last contact; but that short space of time was all it had taken to seemingly bring Helen's life crashing down around her. But what had caused such sadness? Claire was determined to find out.

"It's all gone so wrong, Claire." Helen's cries of desperation were muffled by her hands, but Claire heard every word perfectly.

"What has?" Claire left the spot where she had been rooted and sat at her friends feet, gently stroking away the curtain of golden hair which had fallen over Helen's face.

"Everything, and I don't know what to do any more. Everyone has lied to me and taken my life into their own hands and I didn't have any kind of say in the matter. As a result I've lost the one thing that I truly cared about." Helen's wails echoed the room as the cries became screams of anger and repressed hurt that needed an outlet; and all Claire could do was hold her until she fell into an exhausted, peaceful sleep.

The next month of Helen's life passed by in a flash as she tried to rebuild everything that had been previously destroyed, but it wasn't easy. It took her all of her strength to get up out of bed each morning, where she wanted to stay under the duvet and hide from the world and her past. But the stubborn, fiery streak that sparked in her spurred her on to take control and helped her to block out the terrible things that she couldn't quite bring herself to remember. The answer to all her problems was simple - denial. If she didn't think about it, then it didn't exist. So, after that first evening at Claire's, never again did she cry tears of pity, and no more words were spoken to anyone about what had gone on in Scotland. All questioning from Claire was brushed under the carpet until her friend gave up and stopped asking.

This was one secret that would not be shared.

"Did your parent's not teach you it's rude to play with your food.?" Karen's whispered comment made Helen jump in alarm.

"What?" She frowned, feeling like an idiot as Karen smiled at her, bemused. 

"You haven't touched a bit of your dinner since Sean put that plate in front of you. What's wrong? Is it work?"

"Why does everyone assume something is wrong with me. Can't I just be tired!" Karen said nothing in reply, somewhat shocked at Helen's frostiness.

"Shit, Karen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off, it's just been a bit of a tough day. Ignore me."

"I'd say it's been more than a tough day, Helen. You've not been yourself lately. Look, you know you can talk to me. If something, or someone at Larkhall is bothering you then you better tell me." With a sigh Helen placed her fork back down onto her plate and looked over at Sean who was engrossed in a conversation about vintage cars - a topic she knew would be related to their up-and-coming nuptials.

"Later - not here. I need to speak to you in private." Helen kept her eyes on Sean who looked so animated, and happy. She wished she could feel the same.

"Okay…" Karen looked concerned but didn't push the matter. Whatever Helen had to tell her could wait until after dinner.

"I need to speak to you too, that's why I called earlier. I've been interviewing for a replacement for Dr. Forbes on the psychiatric wing, and I have a candidate who would be ideal for the job, but I wanted to run it by you first to see if he really was as perfect as he seems. Apparently he spent time working as the SMO in the last prison you were at. Dr. Thomas Waugh - did you know him?" The shocked look on Helen's face gave Karen the answer she was looking for.

Before Karen said the name, Helen knew what she was about to say. Out of 20 Doctors who had worked with her in the 18 months she had spent at Inverstardie prison it had had to be Thomas Waugh who turned up, back into her life, like a bad smell that refused to go away.

It seemed that fate was once again playing a cruel game with her - a game she wanted to end before she lost.

"Thomas? I'm home. Why weren't you at work today? I called into the hospital wing as I was leaving, to see you if you wanted a lift and they said you phoned in this morning to cancel your appointments with the prisoners…" Helen stopped dead in her tracks as she walked into the living room of her partners house to see a blonde woman pulling her black top over her head.

"Who the hell are you?" Helen seethed through gritted teeth as she watched the unknown semi-naked woman, who looked very much at home on Thomas' couch.

"I could ask you the same question. Thomas, darling, do we know her?" The blonde asked in a condescending tone that angered Helen more than her recent discovery.

"Helen! Shit" Thomas appeared from the kitchen and his face fell to stare at his bare torso, a blush cascading over his cheeks. There was no denying of how it looked. He had been caught red handed in his double-infidelity.

"Yes, shit indeed! I can't believe you've been cheating on me. You've been lying to me all this time, when for the last three months you've been telling me I was the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Was I just one big joke to you?"

"She was the woman you wanted to spend your life with?" Both Helen and Thomas ignored the comment that was accompanied with a facetious snigger as they continued to stare at each other intently.

"No, it's not like that. I've never lied to you Helen, and I haven't cheated on you, at least not until today." Thomas looked over at the tall, thin blonde who was drawing him daggers with her eyes and knew he had a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

"Helen, this is my wife, Katherine. I told you about her when we first met."

"Yes, you did, and you also told me she was your ex!"

"She is…she was. We broke up a year ago when Katherine went to work with Medecins sans frontieres. We agreed to have an open relationship until she came back, but I never thought I would find someone like you, who I would want to spend all my time with."

"Don't you dare patronize me, Thomas. You know as well as I do that we did a lot more than spend time together! You slept with me, knowing full well that your wife could arrive home at any time and that I would be surplus to requirements. You kept that bit of the story well concealed, I must say. Was the idea of a year without sex too much for you to cope with?" Helen shot out breathlessly and gasped for air.

"I'm sorry for not telling you, but I really liked you Helen, more than you will believe right now, and it was never my intention to hurt you. You would never have agreed to go out with me had I told you that Katherine and I were only temporarily separated. I knew I would have to tell you at some point, but then I became scared of losing you."

"Keeping it from me has hurt me more, Thomas! And as for not going out with you, that was my decision to make, not yours. Would I still have dated you if I had known? Probably not. But I would have liked to have had that choice and it would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache all round!"

"I know, I was wrong and again, I'm so very sorry. I really did love you, Hel's"

"You never loved me; the only person you love is yourself. And as for your apologies; save them for someone who gives a shit, Thomas. It's far too late for sorry; the damage is done and I'm leaving. I hope you both have a very happy marriage." Helen could still hear the echo of the door slamming shut behind her as she drove the 3 miles back to the cottage she shared with her Father.

"Three steps forward and ten steps back," She mused to herself as she let herself into the deserted hallway, that appeared as though it hadn't been decorated since her parents had bought the place in the early 60's. Dark wood panelling covered the walls while faded floral patterns garishly highlighted the carpet.

Hanging her coat over the edge of the banister Helen shook her head. She had been so blind sighted to everything since she had come back here, to Scotland. Her job, her father, Thomas - even herself. Her whole life now revolved around secrets and lies, so much so she didn't know where the lies ended and the truth began. Only one thing made sense to her these days, and yet it was another secret. But it would have to come out sooner or later; there was no hiding something this big.

This morning she had had all of her life planned out, and in a matter of minutes her dreams had been shattered. A small smile crossed her lips momentarily before she burst into a nervous, hysterical laughter that rang around the empty house.

It would be the last time she would laugh for many years.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Nikki, the car has just pulled up!" Trisha ran around the living room, fluffing cushions and sorting out the copious amount of toys that had been bought by her partner, and were now lain neatly in the corner of the room as though it were Christmas.

"Shit, get the door, Trish," Trisha did as she was told, while Nikki hastily pulled herself into a pair of tight fighting jeans. Of all the days to sleep in, she berated herself. Her stomach was in knots as she watched from the window, observing Barbara, their adoption councillor as she walked up their pathway; with a well concealed bundle in her arms.

Today was the day she had been waiting on for almost two years, and the battle she had endured was finally over. Today she was receiving the greatest gift of all - a beautiful child to call her own.

"Patricia, Nicola - so very good to see you both again." Barbara entered the house and Nikki immediately removed her of her bags, even although she could hardly take her eyes off of the little girl in her pink jacket who was nestled into the woman's shoulder.

"Thank you. This little one may look small, but she is a tonne weight. Aren't you?" Nikki felt her heart swell as a tiny childish gurgle reached her ears.

"Nikki, Trisha, meet you new daughter, Ellidah ," Nikki bit her bottom lip to stop it from quivering as she reached for a tiny little hand that was balled into a fist with the intent of gently shaking it.

"Hi there, my name's Nikki and it's a pleasure to meet you." Trisha rolled her eyes and tried to suppress her laughter at the comical babyish voice her partner was speaking in. It was highly amusing to see a grown woman, who 99% of the time walked around exuding a professional persona suddenly turn to mush. But it clearly worked, as the eight-month old girl began to giggle happily.

"I'm Mummy Nikki, and this is Mummy Trisha," Nikki pointed over to Trisha, who by now was muffling her giggles behind her hand.

"She doesn't understand you Nik. It's probably best to tell her that in about two years, when she might have some clue what you are saying." By now Barbara had joined in on the laughter, mostly due to the dumbfounded look on the dark-haired woman's face.

"Yes, I am well aware of the fact she doesn't know what I'm saying, but it's good to let her hear our voices, isn't it?" She glanced down at Barbara, who by way of appeasing her, nodded.

"Yes, it's very good for a child's development. You keep talking to her, Nikki, dear." Barbara smiled pleasantly while Nikki looked over at her girlfriend smugly.

"Right ladies, if you don't mind I'll be off and leave you both to it."

"Sure, sorry, we didn't mean to keep you back from work." Nikki took Ellidah in her arms and rocked her soothingly until her tiny eyes closed over peacefully.

"Oh, you aren't keeping me back, but I think it best if I let the three of you settle in. The next few weeks won't be easy for you."

"More like the next 18 years," Trisha butted in, sounding almost sarcastic, much to Nikki's chagrin. But instead throwing back a caustic retort, for once Nikki stayed composed; to avoid causing a scene, and for the sake of her new daughter. Barbara, picking up on the sudden tension coughed and carried on as normal.

"Right, well, if there are any problems whatsoever then don't either of you hesitate to call me. You have my number I presume."

"We do, and, Mrs Hunt, thank you for everything these last few months. I think we would have given up this whole adoption process if it hadn't been for your compassion and understanding. You believed in us when no one else gave a damn." Nikki's eyes began to well up and her chin trembled uncontrollably. She wasn't one to cry, unless through heartfelt emotion, which she was feeling now.

"You don't have to thank me Nikki, it's been all my pleasure. You and Trisha deserve to have a child as much as any other couple. And as far as I can see, this little one is going to have two very wonderful, loving mothers to take good care of her."

"More than can be said for her real Mother!" Nikki spat out venomously, only to be quickly chastised by her partner.

"Nikki! You don't know the circumstances, so don't pass judgement."

"I know, I know - I'm sorry. I just can't help but get angry when I think about it. I mean who the hell in their right mind would give up on a gorgeous little girl like her, eh?" Nikki questioned as she cuddled in tightly to the tiny person in her arms.

"Like I said, you don't know what's gone on in her parents' lives. They could be very lovely people for all you know." Trisha countered.

"Trisha's right, Nikki. I've been working for the adoption agency for over 25 years, and each day a new case comes in that would shock you. But sometimes the matter is quite simple - either the family members have died tragically, or the Mother is a lone parent and too ill to take care of her kids. Not all parents are abusers or drug addicts." Barbara tried to make Nikki see the bigger picture.

"Hmm…I suppose you're right. I just couldn't bear to think anything bad had happened to her."

"Nothing did, so stop worrying. I shouldn't really be telling you this, but Ellidah came to us as a newborn and there was no signs of her being mistreated. She was a classic case. Mother died just after giving birth. In fact it was her that named the little one."

"Oh, right. That's okay then." Nikki fell silent, her mind finally put at rest.

"Now, this time I had really better be off. The office doesn't function without me." Barbara flashed the women a mischievous smile and walked herself to the door, exchanging goodbyes before leaving.

*******************

Present Day

"Right, Nikki, I'm off to the suppliers. Is there anything else not on the list that you think we need? Trisha entered the kitchen, fully dressed and made-up to perfection.

"Well, we have that corporate event in the VIP room tomorrow night, so I would get an extra magnum of Champagne. You know what these bigwigs in Armani are like, flashing the cash on account. Oh, and will you check to see if they do some party stuff, like paper plates, balloons, streamers - that kind of thing. It's Ellidah's birthday next week and I was thinking of throwing a small party for her that weekend - invite some of the kids from playschool, get Yvonne and the Julies over…" Nikki lifted the spoon from the cereal and directed it towards her daughters mouth.

"Nikki…she will only be two. You don't have to have a party for her every single year, you know. Last year you spent hundreds of pounds hiring out a hall alone…okay, before you say it, I know it was her first birthday, but really babes, be sensible." Trisha raised her eyebrows.

"I'm not planning on being as extravagant this year, just a few people, some jelly and ice-cream…maybe a Magician and a clown…" Nikki said the last part quietly, hoping Trisha wouldn't hear it and she could skim past it and go ahead and book the entertainers.

"Nikki!"

"Okay, just a clown. Come on, Trish, it's our daughters birthday…we can't not celebrate." Nikki's puppy dog eyes never failed to work.

"Fine…but I mean it, Nik…low key party, and a small budget! The first sign of bouncy castles or the cast of Balamory and I'm leaving." Trisha's tone emphasised that she meant every word of what she was saying, and Nikki agreed with a nod and a dejected "Fine" as her girlfriend left the room.

"Mummy Trisha is an old grump," Nikki whispered to her giggling daughter as she continued to help her eat her coco pops.

"Here's the mail," Trisha dumped the pile of letters onto the breakfast table, bending to kiss her girlfriend on the forehead.

"I'll see you at the club later. Yvonne is still babysitting?"

"Yeah, she is…but why wont you be back before then?"

"I'm meeting Caroline for some lunch and some retail-therapy. Then I agreed to go back to hers and help her pick out an outfit for her sisters wedding. I'll more than likely stay for dinner, so don't bother to make me anything." Picking up a slice of toast from Nikki's plate she headed to the front door without awaiting an answer.

"That bloody Caroline again. As if she doesn't see enough of her already." Nikki seethed.

"Bloody Caroline," Ellidah repeated with a impish smile that made Nikki laugh and forget how angry she was.

"Yeah, but don't repeat that when the grump's around, or I'll be a single-parent." Nikki took a sip of her tea and lifted the hefty wad of envelopes that had yet to be opened.

"Right, let's see what the postman's brought us today," Placing her daughter into a chair of her own, Nikki proceeded to leaf through the mail, discarding most of them back onto the table unopened.

"Junk, bill, more junk…what's this one?" The brown official looking envelope was addressed to herself and Trisha. As she tore at the back the blue logo on the top right hand corner of the letter caught her attention immediately. "Adoption agency?" She wondered what they could possibly be sending her after almost 18 months of no contact.

"Dear Ms Wade and Ms Harris," Nikki read aloud, going quiet to read the rest of it into herself. The neutral facial expression that she wore, very quickly began to change to one of confusion and fear as words she was reading started to sink in.

"No, it can't be…no…" Dropping the letter to the table as though it was on fire, Nikki snatched her daughter into her lap and clung onto her for dear life. Tears sprang free from her eyes and rolled rapidly down to her quivering chin as she rocked back and forth.

"It's okay, sweetheart…no one's going to take you away from me…ever…"." 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter seven

As Michael and Anna said their inebriated goodbyes to Sean at the front door, Helen remained seated in the living room with Karen beside her on the couch. Relief washed over her, knowing the evening was almost at an end. The dinner party had gone without major incident; if she didn't count Sean's drunken ramblings or Anna's unwarranted, and somewhat embarrassing demonstration of Hatha Yoga in the middle of the sitting room floor.

Both women sat in silence listening to the muffled conversation between the three people in the hallway; each feeling a little uncomfortable in the stillness. Polite smiles were exchanged before Helen excused herself to go to the bathroom.

Karen was still waiting patiently on the sofa when she returned and the hallway was empty.

"Sean told me to tell you he's gone to bed, and he'll see you in the morning." Helen nodded and retook her seat.

"So," Helen wrung her hands together and looked into her lap, almost shyly. Karen was still there for a reason, and it certainly wasn't because she was having too much fun. She was waiting on an explanation that Helen wasn't sure she could give.

"What was it you were going to tell me earlier, Helen, that Sean couldn't hear?" Karen was no psychologist but she had certainly picked up on a lot this evening. It was the first time she had met Sean, and she had to admit that she found the pairing of himself and Helen a little odd. The couple appeared to be complete opposites, with different backgrounds and upbringings, and from what Karen had heard this evening, very different values. It was just a casual observation, but one she had picked up on immediately upon seeing the couple interacting together. What she found most strange though was the fact that neither Helen nor Sean appeared to be very tactile - especially with each other. Although once or twice she had noticed Sean brush his hand lovingly over Helen's - only for the hand to be quickly retracted. But who was she to judge? She had a hard enough time dealing with her own love-life, without psychoanalysing everyone else's.

"Its not that he can't hear it, Karen…I just don't want him too." Helen finally looked up, making eye contact with her boss. "What Sean doesn't know won't hurt him…and you know, quite frankly, these day's I couldn't care less if it did hurt him." She let out a resigned sigh and continued as Karen's eyes bored into her. "Sean sees' everything through rose tinted glasses, me included. He thinks he sees the perfect wife and mother in me, and he couldn't be further from the truth. If he could see the real me I don't think he would like it one bit.

"Does this have to do with Thomas Waugh? Because if it does then I can call him and tell him there was a mistake and the position at the prison has been given to someone else."

"Karen, if Thomas is the best Doctor on offer to the women then I won't protest his working at Larkhall…but in a roundabout way, yes, Thomas is a major factor in what I'm about to ask next."

"Why don't I like the sound of this?" Karen raised her eyebrows.

"Because you most likely won't like what I have to say. But Karen, before I do ask, please promise me I have your full support. If I have to go up against the old boys network alone, then…" Helen's voice cracked so she paused to catch her breath and calm. The stresses and strains of the last week were finally getting to her and her last little bit of resolve was about to shatter.

"Helen, how can I make a promise like that when I don't know what's coming next? You know you have my full support and backing in whatever you do, but if this is a case of "I'm going down and taking everybody with me"…"

"It's nothing like that, honestly. I just need a friend right now, and I don't have many of them…not ones I can trust, and I trust you, Karen." Helen's eyes glistened in the lamplight as her emotions got the better of her.

"Okay, friendly support and a shoulder to lean on I can do…but you have to tell me what you want, otherwise I can't help." Helen nodded and took a deep breath, preparing herself for the next words that were about to leave her mouth.

"I want to take a six-month sabbatical from work. No, I don't want it, I need it." Helen's whispered words were practically pleading.

"What?" Karen laughed mirthlessly and took a cigarette from her packet to light. "You can't honestly be serious, Helen?"

"Deadly. If I can't get the sabbatical then I'm leaving Larkhall; for good." No longer did Helen look unconfident or timid. Instead her back straightened into a stance that screamed of fiery determination.

"The way the prison service is these days you will be lucky if you are granted a weekends holiday, let alone a full six-months! I could have you seconded to another prison if you are so desperate to get out of Larkhall, but an extended break…it's a no-go, I'm sorry, Helen." Karen watched on, expecting to see Helen crumble before her eyes, but she didn't. The resolute posture remained, unmoving except for a shrug of the shoulders.

"Fine, looks like I'll have to write my letter of resignation after all, then." Helen's tone was cutting, if not a little harsh. It seemed to make Karen sit back and think, however. This wasn't a threat to take lightly. Helen was one of her best members of staff; and one she regarded highly above others. With Helen came a professional approach to the handling of the women at Larkhall, and quite frankly she couldn't afford to lose that; not now when the board of inspectors were on her back and baying for blood. Helen wasn't the only one who needed some support right now.

"Listen, Helen. Don't be so hasty just yet. I will run it by Simon in the morning; although I'm pretty sure you will get the same response from him as you did me. If I can sweet talk him into believing it's for the best, then I might be able to get you a few months break…but I can guarantee you now it won't be the six-months you're looking for."

"Thank you, Karen!" Helen sidled across the sofa and threw her arms rather animatedly around her friends neck causing her to laugh.

"Don't thank me yet, I still have a hell of a lot of strings to pull, but I will do my best for you. I've given you my word." Karen flashed her a friendly smile.

"I know you will, and please know how much I appreciate this. If things go my way I will have lot more than this to thank you for." Karen looked puzzled.

"What do you need this break for anyway? If you don't mind me asking?" Helen shook her head.

"It's a long story…and not one I can tell you; yet. But you will find out eventually. I just need to speak to a good friend of mines first."

******

Helen made her way into work the next morning, running ten minutes behind schedule as usual, with a much needed cup of coffee from Starbucks in her hand. She felt like she had a hangover from hell; despite having only had a few glasses of wine the night before. But lack of sleep, coupled with a tension headache was making her feel ghastly. The pressure was rapidly mounting, and like a bomb, it was about to erupt.

The minute she made her way into the Mother and Baby Unit a mountain of paperwork and requests were shoved into her arms from a handful of tired staff desperate to end their nightshift and get off home as promptly as possible. She watched their retreating backs, wishing she could follow. But she knew if all went well with Karen's talk to Simon then this could very well be her last day of work for quite a while.

Resting the bundle of paper down onto the staffroom desk, along with her coffee and her handbag, Helen slid herself out of her jacket and took a seat to inspect what had gone on the night before with the women in her care.

Sipping periodically from the polystyrene cup, her eyes remained focused on the reports in front of her. Not even when she heard someone enter the room and close over the glass partitioned door did she look up.

"Someone's conscientious…" Helen's head shot up and an anxious stare replaced her frown.

"How did it go?" She apprehensively asked the tall blonde who stood only inches from her.

"Not well I'm afraid. Simon has vetoed the idea. But on the plus side, I think It may have given a small stroke." The playful humour of Karen trying to lighten the blow was lost on Helen.

"What? Shit!" The tension headache which had only just started to disintegrate was now back with a vengeance. "What did he say?"

"He said he couldn't possibly let a member of staff take a sabbatical of that length at such a crucial time, and that you should rethink your career choices if you can't handle your workload…especially now you have been demoted and have very little responsibility in Larkhall's running." Karen mimicked her superiors condescending tones immaculately with a smile, which soon faded when she saw the dejected look on Helen's face.

"Hey, come on, this isn't as bad as it seems." Karen bent down to Helen's level and rubbed her hand down her friends arm.

"Isn't it? You don't understand Karen. I meant it when I said I needed this break. I need all the spare time and energy I can get if I'm to…oh, look, it doesn't matter. I guess resigning really is my only option after all." Helen ran her hand through her hair, sweeping it away from her face as she bent her head.

"No it isn't…we still have plan B" A mischievous smile crept back onto Karen's face and Helen wondered what she could possibly have up her sleeve.

*******

"Good Afternoon, Taylor, Walker and Reed solicitors…how can I help you?" A well-groomed secretary in her early to mid-twenties sat behind a large oak desk that was littered with paperwork, and switchboards. Her eyes met with the woman in front of her, willing her to speak quickly as she was obviously busy.

"Hi, yes, I'm here to see Claire Walker. Tell her it's Helen Stewart and that it's urgent." The slim blonde eyed her with caution, pausing for a moment to digest what she had been told. Clients often demanded to see their lawyers without an appointment and she had been thoroughly trained in telling them where to go.

"I'm a friend," Helen added, seeing the young woman's look of suspicion.

""Fine, take a seat," Helen did as she was told, resting herself into a black leather armchair, whose comfort she readily embraced. It had been a long day, starting out with an appointment with her Doctor. Smiling she looked down at the white piece of paper which poked out slightly from her hand bag. Karen's plan had been more effective than Helen had bargained for. One mention of the word stress and her GP had written her a sick note that could buy her a lot longer than the six-months she had first asked for if she played it right - and she couldn't wait to see Simon's face when he read it.

Picking up last months issue of Vogue to flick through, she managed to get a few pages in when she heard her name being called.

"Helen! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Embracing her old friend in a hug, Claire lifted her eyebrows in question."And why do I only ever see you when you want something!"

"Do you have a spare afternoon?" Helen made light of her answer, to hide the building trepidation she felt at what she was about to do and what she was about to expose. "I have a lot of explaining to do."

Claire held her arm out towards her office and Helen led the way. There really was no turning back now.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Claire Walker sat with her mouth agape, and quite possibly for the first time in her professional career a client had left her absolutely speechless. But this was no ordinary client who had left her dumbfounded - it was her best friend, Helen Stewart.

For forty minutes she had intently listened to the woman she thought she knew inside out tell her about a secret she had been hiding from the world for the last two years, and to be quite frank, she couldn't compute what she hearing. It sounded like someone was recounting the plot of a docu-drama. The words leaving Helen's mouth was a dialogue filled with astonishing tales of terrible things that never happened to people in real life - but this was real, if Helen was to be believed.

"Helen, I don't know what to say." Claire shook her head in bewilderment. "You've knocked the wind out of my sails..."

"Well, telling me you will help me would be a start." Helen smiled toothily, but Claire, at present could find no enthusiasm to return the false gesture. Her emotions were mixed. Had this conversation taken place at home, Claire was sure she would have stormed out in a pique of ire. But this was work and she had to keep the professional hat on.

"Of course I'm going to help you, Helen - in a professional capacity and as your lawyer. But as your friend…"

"But as my friend you won't support me?" Helen leaned forward in the uncomfortable, yet expensive leather chair. Her body language gave the impression of vehemence, whilst her facial expression was one of hurt.

"Don't put words in my mouth. That wasn't what I was going to say and you know it. But you cannot drop a bombshell like that and just expect me to be okay with it. Right now I'm in shock, and I'm bloody angry. Why has it taken you almost two years to tell me you have a child? We used to tell each other everything- or so I thought." Claire struck her friend with a menacing glare that made her recoil and back down instantly from her own irate stance.

"Claire, please, this isn't about you, or our friendship. Its about me, and a hell of a lot of bad decisions. I didn't tell you for the simple fact I was ashamed - ashamed of being a doormat, ashamed of not being a stronger person, ashamed of not doing something about this situation long before now. I hated myself for what I had done or more to the point, what I hadn't done, and I couldn't have handled it if you had hated me too. So, It was easier just to keep the whole thing to myself, and that way the only person hurting was me." Helen hung her head in shame, no longer able to meet Claire's hardened eyes. As she intently watched her feet she heard a deep sigh of resignation that didn't come from her own mouth. It was a small and simple gesture, but she knew Claire was ready to start the process of forgiving her.

"Helen, look at me. You do realise this situation isn't as cut and dried as you think it is. It has been two years and in that time a lot will have changed. For a start the baby may possibly have been adopted - in which case you will have an extremely long and arduous legal battle on your hands."

"Is that the worse case scenario?" Helen hadn't thought this far ahead. In her mind her baby was most likely still in care, or a foster home, from where she could be easily retrieved. The very idea of another woman taking care of her child made her stomach lurch. As far as she was concerned no one but herself had any right or claim to be a Mother to Ellidah.

"Honestly, I don't know yet. Without details it's hard to say how these legal proceedings will move forward. We don't even know which adoption agency she will have been taken to, and if she is still in Scotland. If that is the case then we have a whole different set of laws to deal with…Helen, to be honest, I don't even know if it's possible to start a retraction of adoption rights proceeding. " She paused to sigh before carrying on to answer Helen's question. "So, yes, I will tell you to prepare for the worst. When you gave your daughter up for adoption you relinquished your rights as her mother, and not many Judges are going to want to award you sole custody upon hearing that. And yes, before you say it, I know it wasn't your choice, but getting a court of law to believe your story won't be an easy task. If I can get a judge to hear this case in the first instance, then I will fight like i've never fought before." Helen nodded in acknowledgement, even although she couldn't quite bring herself to believe what she was being told. She tried desperately to suppress her tears, but the pent up emotions came bubbling out regardless. "Helen, I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you really have to pull yourself together. If you want your daughter back as badly as you say you do then you will have to be strong. A defeatist mentality will not get you past the first day of a trial. The defence team will smell your weakness from a mile away and tear you to shreds on the stand. I want to win this for you, but I need to know you aren't going to crack when the pressure becomes too much - I need your full cooperation. You can keep crying and lose, or you can grow a back bone and win. What's it to be?"

With no hesitation whatsoever, Helen wiped the tear stains from her face and straightened her back. A steely determination rose from the pit of stomach, overriding the nerves and fear, and a strength she didn't know she could muster took presidency.

"I'm ready, Claire…I'm ready to get my daughter back." A smile that shone of sheer willpower broke out onto her face. It was now or never.

Helen parked her car in its usual space in one of the few places allocated by the prison for its senior members of staff. Walking passed Karen's shoddily parked MG she made her way into the ominously secure building and along its dark and dreary corridors until she was outside Simon Stubberfield's office on the east side of B Wing. She felt like she was back at school waiting to be reprimanded for bad behaviour by the headmistress as she chapped the door and listened to the gruff voice tell her to enter.

"Ah, Helen, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Simon gave a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes and his tone sounded more than a little sarcastic, although Helen was sure he had tried to disguise it.

"It's just a fleeting visit Simon…I wanted to bring you this in person rather than posting it…" She dropped the unblemished white envelope onto his desk and without taking a seat she stood, silently awaiting his response as he read through the letter that had been inside.

"I can't say I am surprised by this…but if you don't mind me saying Helen, you don't look like a woman who is battling stress." Simon's eyebrows arched in question.

"Looks can be deceiving, Simon. You of all people should understand that." With a backwards glance and a smirk Helen turned to the door.

"What are you implying Ms. Stewart?" Stubberfield furrowed his brow angrily, ready to challenge the woman whom he already felt had become too big for her boots.

"You have a brain, Simon; work it out for yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me I want to go home and rest. Should there be a change in my circumstances you will be the first to know." Pulling the door closed behind her she let out an audible expulsion of relief. Her stomach was in knots. She hated confrontations of any kind, and when she could, she avoided them at all costs. But one thing working in prisons had taught her was never to let your fears show - at least not if you wanted to survive.

With Simon firmly put in his place, there was only one thing left to do, and that was get home and work on a plan of action for the coming weeks. Things were not going to be easy and the challenges that lay ahead would have cracked the strongest of people -but not Helen Stewart.

"One problem solved; twenty more to go." Ending her quiet moment of contemplation she began to make her way back through the maze of twisting hallways - but before she could get through the first gate a familiar voice echoed in her ears.

"Helen?" She heard her name being called from behind and she didn't have to turn around to see who it was. That voice would be forever etched in brain.

"Thomas." Finally turning, her stare met with a pair of brown eyes that were filled with remorse - deep set in a face that begged to be forgiven.

"You haven't changed a bit," he said with a genuine warm smile that was tinged with wariness.

"Well, it has only been three years, I'm hardly likely to look significantly different now, am I?" She replied bitterly, but instantly regretted it when she heard how harsh her words sounded.

"Look, Helen, about that night…" Thomas didn't get a chance to finish what he was about to say before Helen butted in.

"No, leave it Thomas, the past is the past and that's where it needs to stay. Don't drag everything up. I've forgotten about it and so should you." The truth was she thought about it every day. She thought about what might have been if she hadn't caught Thomas with his wife- if his wife hadn't come home at all, if she hadn't fallen pregnant, if, if, if, if, if…There were far too many what ifs and too few answers.

"Have you really forgotten about it though Helen?" It may have been almost three years since he had last seen the beauty he had once loved, but he could still tell when she was lying to him or holding something back. The way she fixed him with a hardened stare and clenhed jaw was a dead give away as far as he was concerned. Her lips were saying one thing, whilst her eyes said another.

"Truthfully? No, I haven't." Helen hung her head, tucking a stray strand of baby-fine hair behind her ear. She wanted to run away and hide, to tuck herself away in a closet where no one could get to her, and no one could hurt her. The secrets, the lies, the admissions - it was all getting too much.

"Listen, my shift has just finished, can we go for a drink? I think we need to talk."

"There's nothing to say, Thom…you left me for your wife…you made the right decision for you; despite the knock on effect it had on everyone else. Now lets just leave it at that." Helen turned to leave but Thomas wasn't ready to let her go just yet.

"Perhaps, but I'd still like to have a drink with you, catch up, for old times sake. We had some good times together Helen, you can't deny that. One drink…please, that's all I'm asking." Helen could never fail to say no to Thomas when he pleaded with her. Maybe that was her problem; she gave in too easily, especially where men were concerned. Anything for a quiet life.

"Fine." With her monosyllabic answer Thomas broke into a grin that could have lit a darkened room. It was then she wondered if she had made yet another big mistake.

********

As cold as she tried to come across it wasn't long before Thomas Waugh, with his irresistible charm, subtle wit and flawless intelligence, managed to thaw out the ice-queen act that Helen so desperately tried to keep up. But after two pints of lager and a vodka on ice she suddenly began to remember why she had fallen for the dashing Doctor in the first place. All the hostility and hatred she had held onto for the past 38 months seemed to diminish in less than an hour and the weight that was on her shoulders began to feel that bit lighter.

"So, come on Helen, dish the dirt…what's been happening since I last saw you? What brings you down to London? You seemed pretty settled back in Scotland."

"Things changed after you can Katherine left the village. It wasn't the same place, and I certainly wasn't the same person."

"Helen, if this is about us, then again, I apologise…"

"Don't flatter yourself, the world doesn't revolve around you you know." Helen instantly regretted snapping, but sitting here with Thomas, talking about "the good ole days" was doing nothing to settle her already growing stress levels.

"Look, I'm sorry for biting your head off…"

"It's ok, Helen. Is it problems with your new partner - what's his name?"

"Sean?" She gave a sarcastic expulsion of air. "I've had more than my fair share of problems with him, but no, it's not that." She shook her head as she stared intently at her glass, wondering just how honest she should be. Already she felt like she had said far too much, and was glad when Thomas diverted the attention away from herself.

"I know the feeling…" Thomas, for the first time since they had met outside of Simon's office, looked sad. The smile was wiped from his face and his large brown eyes glistened under the lights. "Katherine and I have been having a lot of problems ourselves recently."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Helen genuinely felt sorry for the sullen man. For all that had gone on with them in the past she wished him no evil. It was plain to see that he loved his wife, and for that she couldn't feel bitter.

"So am I. She filled for divorce in August and we've been living apart for nearly 6-months. "

"Shit, what happened?"

"When we left Scotland for London to start again, I suggested we start a family. Katherine seemed up for it at first, but as her job at the hospital became more demanding the less keen she seemed on the idea of having children. We put it off, but it was the constant source of arguments, until one day she dropped the bombshell…she was in love with my best friend, who incidentally was the best man at our wedding, and she was having his baby, quitting work and moving to France." Thomas threw the almost full glass of beer down his throat, banging in back onto the table in temper. "So, I'm a free man," He smiled humourlessly, the pain and hurt evident on his crumpled face.

"Thomas, that's awful, I never knew you wanted kids so badly." Guilt rose up like bile in her throat as the realisation hit her. She hadn't just denied herself of her daughter, but Thomas too. So many lives and relationships destroyed, and she was to blame.

"I didn't think I did either, but I'm not getting any younger, Helen. Time is passing by so quickly these days and I don't want to get to an age where I have regrets about what I did or didn't do. I always took it for granted that I would be a Father, but now I'm not so sure." He shrugged his shoulders in resignation, quite willing to believe he would never have that child he longed for - but Helen couldn't let him do it. She had lied to herself and others for too long. It was time to start telling the truth, no matter what it cost her.

"Thomas, I think there is something you should know."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Where the bloody hell is she!" Nikki slammed her mobile down onto the breakfast table with an intended violence that scared her, and in turn her daughter, who broke into hysterical crying caused by her mothers noisy outburst.

"Shh…don't cry darling." Lifting little Ellidah from her chair to cradle her in her arms, she rocked the 23-month old in her arms until the tears subsided. It amazed her how quickly the tiny girl was soothed into silence and comfort from one loving hug, and it made her wonder if such a small gesture would solve all her problems too. She knew the answer was no; it would take a hell of a lot more than a warm embrace to end the nightmare upon which she was about to embark…but it didn't matter anyway. There was no one around to give her that longed for cuddle. Trisha hadn't come near in her months; not even in bed did their bodies accidentally touch. Both blamed their overlapping work schedules for the lull in their sex life, but Nikki knew there were more serious problems in their relationship. No more making love, no more fun, no more communication - added together it equated to no more Nikki and Trisha - though neither were willing to admit it. Each were comfortable in their self-made bubble, so why burst it?

Initially Nikki had believed the arrival of their daughter would be the magnet that would pull them back together again and be the gel that set the foundations of their 9 year partnership, but in all honesty it had had the opposite affect. Nikki was left holding the baby while Trisha gallivanted about like the single business women she loved to be - not the responsible mother she had agreed on being.

Settling Ellidah down in the living room to play with the copious number of toys that were scattered around the floor gave Nikki the chance to pick up the phone once more and redial her girlfriend's mobile number. After several rings it clicked straight onto the automated answer-service, and without leaving a further message Nikki slammed the phone back into its cradle. Seething; she paced the floor by the window.

Four messages and two hours later and there was still no reply from Trisha. Surely if she had only been out shopping like she had proclaimed then she would have picked up her messages and replied by now, Nikki thought to herself before laughing mirthlessly at her own stupidity. Like a bolt of lightening the realisation hit her. All those times Trisha was supposed to be at work, but never quite managed to make it there - and the excuses that followed. "Caroline's boyfriend upset her and she needed a shoulder to cry on…" "Caroline needed help choosing wallpaper…" Caroline. Caroline. Bloody Caroline!

"The two-faced little tart! I know exactly what she's up to and it sure as hell isn't maxing out my credit cards!" Anger invaded her senses until the phone ringing snapped her out of it.

"Trish?!" Immediately on the defensive she screamed down the phone ready to fight - only to be sorely disappointed. "No, I don't want a bloody fitted kitchen, now piss off!" Again the poor telephone took a bashing as it came banging back down into its holder for the umpteenth time that day.

Nikki's nerves were now pulled tighter than a plastic surgery addicts face. Her body trembled in a mixture of anger and fear. This morning when she woke up she had everything - a good job, a partner, and a baby girl whom she adored, and in the space of a few hours it seemed like everything was slipping away from her grasp.

There was only one person she could talk to now, and that was her best friend, Yvonne Atkins.

***********

"Thomas, I think there is something you should know," Helen took a large gulp from her glass as Dutch courage, giving her time to try and formulate in her mind the words she wanted say. She knew no matter how she put it, the end result would not be good. However, she had to at least try and soften the blow Thomas would feel when he found out he was a Father, and that she had kept it hidden from him all this time.

"Yes? Are you okay, Helen?" Thomas sat forward in his chair, his hand reaching across the polished wooden table to grasp Helen's in support. She watched him intently as he did so, and wondered how after everything that had happened he could still look genuinely concerned for her well being. She didn't want it - she didn't deserve it. As she stared into his face the past came flooding back, drowning her in its intensity.

"Helen come away from that window, you're making the house look untidy, just standing there staring into space. Make yourself useful and put the dinner on." Reverend Stewart sat in his usual armchair in the corner of the room, his nose stuck in "The Herald" newspaper and his nightly pre-dinner glass of whiskey by his side.

"I'm going for a walk." Helen ignored his comments and grabbed her jacket from its hanger. She needed to get out of the house as quickly as possible, before the four walls finally came in on her, trapping her their concrete cocoon.

"Where do you plan to go? We are in the middle of nowhere, Lass. Now, don't be silly."

"Firstly, it's none of your business where I am going, and secondly, I'm not a "Lass" or silly for that matter!" She slammed the door behind her before her Dad had a chance to chastise her for her outburst. She had had enough of his sermonizing these last few weeks to last a life time, and the days of holding her tongue while he belittled her were coming to an end. Her Mother may have let him speak to her in such a way, but Helen wasn't standing for it. She was an adult, and she was going to demand she was treated like one.

The heavy grey clouds in the sky above her opened up suddenly, releasing torrents of rain that ran quickly down the gravel walkway, creating tiny rivers that carried away any debris that lay in its path.

Realising that she had two very unpleasant options to choose from - one to walk for miles in the rain to get to her desired destination, or two, go back inside and face the wrath of her Father, Helen choose option three - to dig her car keys out of her jacket pocket and get into the warmth of the economical and reliable red Peugeot 206 that she loved.

The drive normally wouldn't take long, fifteen minutes tops, but the journey seemed to take an eternity as she circled the words she would chose to speak when she finally formulated them in her brain. But no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't find an easy way to say the two little words she feared the most - "I'm pregnant."

The rain lashed forcefully against her windscreen as she drove a sensible twenty miles per hour towards the tiny riverside cottage that was almost identical to her fathers, and where she had shared many a night wrapped in her lovers arms.

The black plastic wipers darting back and forth obscured her view, but through the little raindrops that littered the glass she saw something that was unmistakable.

Bringing the vehicle to an abrupt halt at the top of the hill she got out to have a better view and to reassure herself she wasn't seeing things. But there it was. Sitting less than a hundred feet away; a large white, Pickfords removal fan, with Thomas and his perfect wife Katherine getting into it and driving off into the sunset without even as much as a goodbye.

Helen slowly lifted her glistening eyes from the table. It was no easier to speak now than when she had first planned to reveal her secret; if anything it was harder. Back then she thought Thomas would resent her, but now she knew he really would.

"Thomas…" Helen took and deep breath and prepared herself to finally blurt out the truth that was a tightening noose around her neck.

"Yes? Oh wait a second," Quickly retrieving the hand that held hers, Thomas reached into his pocket and pulled free a small black prison issue mobile phone. "Damn, Helen can this wait? Two of the women on G Wing have managed to get themselves onto the roof and are waging a protest about the injustice of male officers working so closely with female inmates. Stubberfield's requested I go in immediately to give them strategies to talk them down. I'm really sorry." Thomas clasped his hand back over Helen's and gave it a tight squeeze.

"Don't be; shit happens, especially in Larkhall. I'm just glad I don't have to work there for a while." Helen forced a smile that hid an immense amount of relief. The way she felt right now she could kiss Simon Stubberfield for causing a diversion that would put a temporary grate over the hole she had dug for herself. It would buy her precious time in spilling all to her one-time boyfriend - if she ever chose to divulge at all. This was fates way of telling her to keep her mouth shut.

"You won't be working at Larkhall? Was that what you were about to tell me? What's happened?" Thomas quickly flung on his jacket and made his way to the exit as Helen followed behind.

"Long story that one you don't have time to wait around and hear; but I'm sure you will find out at some point." But just how much Thomas Waugh would get to find out, Helen hadn't yet decided.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Thomas unlocked the door to his car, but he didn't get in. Helen was more important to him than two rebellious inmates who were fighting a cause he didn't agree with in the first place. They weren't going anywhere up on that roof, but Helen was. He watched her momentarily as she walked towards her own vehicle and he wondered if he would ever see her again after tonight. She had left no contact details, and if she wasn't going to be around Larkhall any time soon then it could be a while before he found out what was troubling the woman he had once truly loved. Concerned, for her and for his own peace of mind he called her back.

"Helen, wait. Look, you've got me worried now. You can't just walk off and not tell me what's going on." Helen automatically paused mid-stride, but wished she had the courage to start running; running away from Thomas, his questions and primarily running away from the past. "Are you sick?" He asked with trepidation quivering his voice. He was dreading the answer, but was pleased to see Helen shake her head.

"No, I told you, I'm fine…" She held her breath, unable to believe what she was about to say next. "But my daughter isn't." There. She had said it. It was finally out in the open.

"You have a daughter? Why didn't you tell me before now?" Thomas couldn't hide the look of shock and regret from his face. This had been the last thing he had expected to hear.

"Because you weren't around to tell. You left the village without as much as a goodbye, never mind a new address or contact number. So don't blame me for lack of communication!" Helen instantly went on the defensive; expecting Thomas to put two and two together and make four - but much to her astonishment, he didn't.

"What age is she?" He asked, still astounded by the revelation - but not as astounded as Helen was that he hadn't cottoned on to what she had, in a round about way, implied. She couldn't work out if he was in denial, or was just plain naive.

"She will be two in a few weeks…but it's complicated. She was put into foster care at birth." Helen didn't know why she felt ashamed by that admission, it wasn't her fault, but yet she felt a gut wrenching pain, existing primarily of guilt, every time she thought about it.

"You put her up for adoption?" Thomas felt a numb confusion battle against his common sense. "But why?"

"Don't ask me questions that I can't answer; not yet." Helen snapped angrily before softening again. "But please believe me, this situation isn't as cut and dried as what you might think. It was out of my control…" Helen felt like she had said enough for the time being and closed over her mouth firmly; a gesture which Thomas noted and didn't probe. "I have a lawyer friend working at the moment to try and find her and if luck is on my side; get her back where she belongs. That's why I need the time away from Larkhall. I want to put my heart and soul into this…I don't think I've ever wanted anything so badly. I just don't know how successful I'll be." Helen's gloomy face and her tired eyes, that once shone with vibrancy, pulled at Thomas' heartstrings.

"Well, just let me know how I can help and I'll be with you every step of the way." Helen went to refuse the kind offer but didn't get the chance as Thomas had already anticipated her rejection. "And I won't take no for an answer. I wasn't there when you needed a friend before, but I am here now." He dug around in his pocket and pulled out a fresh, white business card containing his contact details and handed to her. "Call me and let me know what's happening, or if you just want to talk, you know where I am."

"Thank you," Was all Helen could think to say. She didn't feel deserving of such kindness, but did feel somewhat grateful for it. However, she was too tired to insist she could do this alone and without Thomas' meddling, so instead she tucked the card into her handbag; knowing she would be throwing it away as soon as she got home.

*****

"Where the bloody hell have you been! I've called you twice and left messages and…" Nikki began a furious tirade that was immediately nipped in the bud by someone with an even bigger gob and a more ferocious temper.

"Hey, just wait a bleedin' minute. I've been out attending to some business if you must know, and when I got your messages I burst a friggin' gut driving here to see what was up, so don't slap my tits with a mood swing the second I get in the door, alright?" The woman's eyes closed to slits in a menacing glare that Nikki had seen a million times before. But instead of scaring her like it did others, it amused her into a grin. Her best friend may have had a reputation for not being messed with, but Nikki knew that under that hard exterior lay a heart of gold. Yvonne Atkins had been an absolute godsend to her over the years, never once letting her down when she needed her; and this time she was sure would be no different.

"Von!" Having heard the unmistakable, brash cockney accent filter through from the hallway, little Ellidah was up on her feet and toddling towards the leather-clad women who was her regular babysitter and her favourite storyteller.

"Alright, Princess; come and give your Aunty Von a kiss," For the first time in several hours Nikki felt the need to smile. Yvonne Atkins may have been a tough nut on the outside, with a gob as big as the Watford tunnel and a character that Al Capone would have envied, but when it came to Ellidah she was as soft as silk. She had the little girl spoiled, despite Nikki and Trisha's protests, but really who could blame Yvonne. With a mass of blonde curls, piercing green eyes and a pouty little mouth that was always curled into a smile, her daughter was able to wrap even the most heartless of people around her little finger. "Right, Wade, get me an ashtray and tell me what this is about? And it better be bleedin' good." Yvonne raised her eyebrow jokingly, but let it drop when she saw the look of anguish on Nikki's face as she took a seat at the kitchen table and lifted a letter from the top of a pile.

"I got a letter from Barbara Hunt at the adoption agency this morning, saying there had been a mix up with Ellidah's case and requesting we call into the office, which I did." Both women lit cigarettes and Nikki exhaled her smoke loudly in a sigh. "It seems her Mother has come forward and wants to fight for full custody."

"You what? You're 'avin' a laugh?" Yvonne looked thoroughly perplexed. "I thought her Mother was pushing up the daisies!"

"Barbara told us she was dead, but obliviously she's not!" Nikki stabbed her cigarette out vigorously into the glass ashtray and right away pulled another from her newly-opened packet which was almost empty. "That's why I want your help. I want to find out as much about this woman as I can before we end up in court."

"No problem darlin', just let me know when you need it for." Yvonne moved to relax back into the dining room chair but it wasn't long before she was back out of it.

"Well, that's the thing," Nikki looked sheepish. "We have an appointment for tomorrow morning with the adoption agency and this woman's lawyer."

"Bleedin' hell, Nik, you don't beat about the bush, do you?" Nikki laughed at the obvious innuendo and fluttered her eyebrows suggestively; much to Yvonne's distaste. "Don't start that Lezzy crap, just give me this woman's name before I change my mind." Nikki didn't even have to look at the piece of scrap paper where she had scribbled the name down. That woman's name would be forever emblazoned in her memory.

"It's Helen Elizabeth Stewart."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

"Helen? Where are you going?" Lifting his head from the pillow, Sean turned to look at the alarm clock through bleary eyes. "It's 8:46am on a Saturday morning…"

"I'm meeting Claire." Helen shouted from the en-suite bathroom as she dropped the fluffy lilac towel that she had wrapped around her torso onto the tiled floor and slipped on her matching black bra and pants.

"At this time!" He hollered back in question.

"Yes." Came the curt reply.

"Surely you aren't going shopping this early?" Sean yelled back with annoyance evident in his voice. It was the weekend and he wanted to share the spare time with his fiancée, who obviously had found something more entertaining to do with her time; and it didn't include him.

"Why do you assume that if I'm meeting Claire then we must be going shopping? Helen stuck her head around the bathroom door and looked at Sean with furrowed brows.

"Because it's what you girls do when you meet up. Shop, have lunch, bitch about us men, gossip, and shop some more, before you come home and lie to us about how much money you've spent. Go on, I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong." Helen found Sean's sexist humour boring and pompous. His views on women were prehistoric judgements that had been instilled in him by his peers from the Harrow-set, and she wasn't standing for it. Setting him with an icy glare she firmly replied.

"You're wrong! In fact, you don't know just how wrong you are, Sean." The sneaky grin immediately fell from his face and he sat up abruptly in the bed.

"Well, then tell me, Helen. Just what is all this about?" Pulling the duvet around him, to cover a nakedness that was now adding to his insecurities, Sean shuffled closer to where Helen was sat pulling on her black suit trousers.

"It's nothing, leave it." Helen said in a tired voice and turned away from him, busying herself with dressing in the hope Sean would drop the subject; which he didn't.

"No, I won't bloody leave it, not this time. You've brushed this aside too often. Now are you going to tell me what the hell is going on here." Sean shook Helen shoulders roughly from behind until she turned with sad eyes to meet his steely glare."

"I can't marry you Sean, I am so sorry." Helen's eyes glistened with sincere sorrow under the gentle ray of early morning light that beamed through the cracks in the curtains.

"What?" This was the last answer he had been expecting and it instantly sent his mind reeling with questions. He let go of her shoulders like they had burned him. "You can't be serious? Why?" Helen was immune to the look of deep shock on Sean's face. It seemed that everyone she spoke to of late manifested the same facial expression after listening to what she had to say.

"Because I don't love you," She said with regret whilst tears slowly started to gather in the corner of her eyes. "And if I'm being honest, I don't think I ever did." She stood from the bed and made for the bedroom door where she stopped.

"Then why agree to marry me in the first place Helen? In fact, why agree to date me or have me move in with you!" The question made Helen ponder exactly what was her motives behind it all, and it took her back precisely One year and six-months.

"Come on Helen, you've been holed up in this flat since you arrived last month. If you aren't going to tell me what's bothering you, then at least agree to come out to the pub with me and the girls for one drink." Helen rolled her eyes at her lawyer friends' blatant attempt at coercing her into something she didn't want to do. "It will do you the world of good to get out and socialise for a little while. Some drinks, some dancing, good company and conversation; its just what you need to put a smile back on that ugly mug of yours. Please Helen? For me?" Claire said with a pleading look in here eyes. She hadn't yet gone as far as getting down on her hands and knees to beg, but she was close to it when Helen stood up from the couch in her tatty old tracksuit, which she practically lived in these days.

"Fine." She replied curtly with a sigh of resignation. "I'll come out for an hour, but that's it. And please don't whine like that again, it's worse than listening to fingernails being dragged down a blackboard." She grimaced and made for the door. "Just give me half an hour."

Claire gave Helen a grateful smile as she walked past her to go and get ready for a night out on the town; the last thing she wanted or needed right now. But true to her word, Helen was ready in less than 30 minutes, and Claire could hardly believe her eyes when she appeared at the bottom of the staircase. Her new flatmate was dressed in a figure hugging black dress that showed off just the right amount of flesh. Her hair was swept up into a French roll, with small strands still floating around her face, and her make-up was immaculate, yet subtle.

"Well, well! Don't you scrub up well, Ms Stewart!" Claire's eyes sparkled with awe-filled appreciation.

"Aye, whatever. I just threw on the first thing I found in the wardrobe." Helen tugged at her dress self-consciously, regretting not having put on a pair of jeans and a simple top. "Look, can we get going so I can get this over and done with? I want to get home."

"You haven't even left yet!" Claire rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Right, get a move on then, grumpy."

The doors to the small pub in which Claire led them through brought the friends into what looked like a typical, run of the mill, Central London wine bar. The well-dressed crowd sat chatting quietly in their huddled groups, cramped into the cosy booths, sipping the various array of wines the establishment had to offer, whilst soft background music filtered through the speakers, almost inaudibly - and Helen hated it upon first sight. It wasn't her sort of place at all. She would much rather have gone down the local where there were no pretensions or falseness, just beer on tap, a jukebox with all the best 80's hits and a bunch of punters who greeted you with a sincere smile on arrival.

"Helen, you go find us a seat and I'll head to the bar while we wait on the others. What do you want?"

"Just get me a diet coke." Helen turned her attentions away from Claire and let her eyes scan the room for vacant seats, but the tiny bar and its few tables looked packed to its limits.

"A white wine it is. Be right back." Claire skipped off gleefully to join the queue of thirsty individuals at the bar, whilst Helen stood in the middle of the room, which had unexpectedly started to spin. Never before had she felt as claustrophobic as she did now. The entire structure seemed to swim in waves, circling her ominously as panic rose like acidic bile in her stomach. She dug her fingernails painful into the palms of her trembling fists, to try and alleviate the mounting fear that was building. She felt the need to sit down before her wobbling legs gave way. So after taking a few deep breaths she rudely plonked herself down in the first seat she came to, without as much as an explanation to the group already sitting there quietly minding their own business.

"Are you okay?" The refined tones of a concerned male voice echoing from her right-hand side snapped into her conscious.

Helen turned her head sharply in order to give the enquirer a brusque reply, but something stopped her. The eyes that met hers were truly concerned, and it made her swallow the harsh remark that was lingering on her tongue. Instead she closed her mouth and just nodded.

"Can I get you a drink?" The male rose to his feet but sat back down when Helen shook her head.

"No thank you," She answered politely. "My friend is already at the bar." As if on cue, Claire appeared by her side and sat the two drinks down on the table.

"I see you managed to find a space." Helen nodded and warily lifted the wine glass to her lips. She could feel two sets of eyes stare through her from either side and it was making her uncomfortable to say the least. "Come on Helen, budge up," Claire nudged her friend in the side as she tried to position her bottom into the tiny space that was left at the end of the semi-circular couch. The tight confinement of space did nothing to ease Helen's already jangling nerves. As she sidled closer to the anonymous male she could feel their legs brush together as the roughness of his jeans grazed her bare skin. The sensation made her squirm in her seat, but there was nowhere to escape to - their limbs were squashed together whether she liked it or not.

"You know, I think when the girls arrive we will have to find another bar; one that's got more seats," Claire mused to no one in particular.

"I think when Jane and Leah get here I'm going to go home," Helen kept her voice quiet, knowing that the guy sitting next to her was listening intently.

"No! You agreed an hour, and we've only been here ten minutes." Claire whinged.

"Well, you agreed not to whine at me again, so it seems we've both broken our word tonight. I'm really not in the mood for drinking, and I'm just going to spoil your night if I stay." As Claire went to protest she quickly added: "I'll get a taxi, don't worry about me."

"I can drive you home if you like?" Both Helen and Claire turned to stare at the floppy haired guy who had just made the offer. He looked as posh as he sounded. Dressed casually, yet smart, it was obvious he had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

"I don't go home with strangers" Helen answered curtly before she turned back to an amused Claire, whose large, knowing grin made her blood boil.

"My name's Sean Parr, I'm 33, I live in Hampstead, near the Heath. I have a landscape gardening business, I have never taken advantage of a woman that I have offered a platonic lift to and I'd like to dance; if you'd care to join me?" Before Helen had a chance to digest the information, Claire had taken it upon herself to agree on her friends behalf. The next thing Helen knew she was being whirled around the dance floor by the charming Mr Parr, and the rest, as they say, was history.

Sean hauled himself out of the bed, and hastily pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms as Helen watched on; her face devoid of emotion. She could see he was upset, and ready to fight for their relationship, but in her mind, and in her heart it was over and she had to make it final. She had mad her choice that things were going to be different. She was finally ready to face her past and to make the right decisions in her life. One of them was to get rid of old baggage and things that would not help her on her journey towards the goal for being reunited with her daughter. She knew it was harsh and she knew she was going to hurt people on her way, people like Sean. But she could not let that stop her. She did not feel very proud of her decision since hurting people was the absolute antithesis of her moral code, but she could not do it in any other way if she were to survive and to be able to face herself ever again.

"Hel's lets try and work this out; we're good together…"

"No Sean!" Helen interjected with staunch determination before he said any more. "I'm leaving now, and I want you to go too. I want you out of the flat by the time I come home." Without looking back Helen closed the door behind her. Finally she had closed the last chapter of her old life; just as a new one was about to open.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

The living room was shrouded in darkness, despite the light shining brightly outside in the morning sun. Nikki found her dreams slip away into a black abyss and the nasty, harsh reality of life returned to her with a bang. The sound of the coffee percolator hummed audibly from the kitchen and it was a tell-tale sign that her partner was awake and in need of a caffeine injection - a typical Friday morning hangover cure.

Prising herself from the sofa, Nikki stretched her arms to the ceiling and bent her back to try and ease off the tension and strain in her cramped muscles. She hadn't intended on sleeping there all night, but exhaustion had finally consumed her as she had sat patiently awaiting her girlfriends arrival home from the club they both co-owned.

Thursday night was usually their allotted night for some relaxation and rest, away from nappies and bedtime stories, and with Yvonne as a willing babysitter, they regularly headed to "Chix" to let their hair down. But last night, for the first time in nearly a year, Nikki had stayed home; fuming.

"Where have you been, Nik? You didn't come to the club, and you weren't in bed when I got in."

"I didn't think you would notice, and anyway, I could ask you the same question." Nikki sniped sourly in her best "I'm pissed off and you had better explain yourself" voice.

"What are you talking about…you know where I was." Trisha held her head in the hope it wouldn't bounce off of her shoulders. Too many vodka's had led to an almighty hangover, and Nikki's inquisition wasn't helping any.

"Maybe a better question would be who were you with?" Nikki raised her eyebrow menacingly in question.

"I was with Caroline, I told you that yesterday." Trisha tried to be abrupt without causing herself more pain, but it didn't work and she scrunched her eyes closed to alleviate the pounding sensation.

"Ah, the amazing Caroline; surprise, surprise." Nikki said sarcastically.

"Nikki, are you jealous?" Trisha smiled, but the smirk was soon wiped off of her face.

"Don't fucking patronise me, Trish, I know you're shagging her, and you know, quite frankly at this moment in time I couldn't give a flying fuck."

"What… but how…?" Trisha felt the heat rise rapidly to her cheeks as she stuttered out her words. She was so dumbfounded by the accusation from her partner that she couldn't deny what was the truth.

"Because I'm not blind, deaf of dumb, contrary to popular belief. I've known for a long time, but I've let it go for Ellidah's sake, but not any more. I'm no fool, and I wont be treated like one, okay?" Trisha quickly nodded.

"I'm so sorry Nikki. I wanted to tell you, but I was scared you would react like this."

"Like what? Angry, humiliated, cheated? I think I have a right to react this way, don't you?"

"Of course you do…I'm sorry…" Trisha hung her head in shame, but the reaction didn't penetrate Nikki, who felt numb.

"Don't keep saying you're sorry, because you don't mean it. All you're really sorry about is getting caught out, otherwise you wouldn't have gone near that blonde tart In the first place." Trisha went to say something else but didn't get the chance before Nikki stopped her in her tracks. "Save it! You've made your bed now I suggest you go and lie in it…if there is room for you between Caroline and her fiancé." Nikki added the last part with a hint of bitter derision..

"I don't want her Nik, I want you. It was just a fling."

"And now you are flung. It's over between you and me and has been for a long time. I want you to leave."

"But I don't have anywhere to go…" Trisha was almost in tears by now, as the reality and panic set it in. The consequences of her actions were catching up with her and she didn't like it one bit. Sleeping with Caroline had only been a bit of fun that both parties knew could never lead anywhere, but now Trisha was paying dearly for her mistake.

"And that's my problem? You should have thought about that before you decided to be a cheating, lying cow." Nikki's voice seemed to get louder with each word that left her mouth.

"Please, Nikki…" Trisha begged and Nikki sighed, too tired to argue anymore. She stood wearily and walked away without looking back. She lifted some fresh clothes from a newly ironed pile, and deeming them suitable enough for her pending meeting at the law offices of Taylor, Walker and Reed, she carried them with her.

"Move all your stuff into the spare room for the time being, but I better see you looking for a flat; I don't want you anywhere near me just now." Trisha again nodded fervently; grateful for Nikki's understanding, selfless attitude despite the circumstances. "We will talk later; but right now I have something more important than you to attend to."

"Please Claire, let me come." Helen begged over the telephone.

"No, Helen. You know as well as I do that that's just not possible." Claire tried to be the voice of reason, but sometimes with Helen that wasn't enough. The stubborn persistence that usually allowed her to chip away at a person until they relented and gave in would not work this time, for Claire was putting her foot down and standing her ground.

"But Claire, I want to be at this meeting and see the couple who have my daughter!" Helen tried to be a little more forceful and persuasive, but she was forgetting who she was speaking to. Claire was a lawyer who was used to saying no to people, and putting them in their place, despite the feelings that would be hurt and the animosity it could create. She could morph easily from a sweet, gentle person into a hard-arse at the drop of a hat, and that was exactly the mode she was in right now.

"No Helen, and that's final. You will see the couple in court, if it comes to that. But right now it would not be wise for you to be there. This meeting isn't about you, it's about your daughter. I am only going to speak with the couple and their solicitor, to explain the situation and discuss how a trial should proceed if it goes that far. From what I know from the adoption agency, the news that there even would be a trial came as a huge shock to the adoptive parents, and the last thing I want is you storming in there to do battle - save that for the courtroom." Helen signed down the phone but didn't push the matter any further. She knew deep down that Claire was right, even if she did want her friend to give in and let her attend.

"Fine. But promise me you will call the minute it's over? I want to know everything."

"Yes, Helen, I promise. Now I really have to go, because they will be here any minute and I want to read over my notes. And can I suggest that you go get yourself some fresh air and calm down. The meeting could take an hour or more, so don't dare sit next to the phone waiting on me calling." Claire chastised knowingly. She knew Helen better than Helen knew herself.

Helen agreed, and after exchanging thanks and declarations of friendly love, they hung up. Helen didn't budge from the chair, nor did she intend to, and Claire set about her preparations for what would be one of the hardest cases she had ever taken on.

~~~~~

Claire had her head stuck in a thick manilla folder when her intercom buzzed unexpectedly and made her jump.

"Ms Walker, I have a Mr Myers and his clients here to see you."

"That's fine, Andrea, show them in." Claire closed over her notes and quickly gave her desk a quick tidy before she straightened out her clothes, dusting the lint from her jacket sleeves. She always remembered what one of her professors used say: "A presentable lawyer is a trustworthy lawyer." and the statement had stuck with her to this day.

"Ah, Mr Myers. Good to finally meet you." Claire stood from her chair as the door opened and she extended her hand whilst sneakily she eyed up the two women to either side of Jonathon Myers, LLB. "And you must be…" Claire politely address the tall, dark haired woman with striking good looks, yet looked rather bedraggled.

"Nikki Wade," Nikki answered and shook the proffered hand rather reluctantly. This woman was the enemy as far as she was concerned, and she could have done without the pleasantries. She wanted this over and done with as quickly and as painlessly as possible. "And this is Barbara Hunt, the woman who dealt with Ellidah's adoption."

"Ms Hunt," Claire nodded. "Everyone, please take a seat. Can I get you all a drink?" All declined, but Claire placed a jug full of water and some glasses in the middle of the desk anyway.

"Right, well I won't beat about the bush. You all know what you're here today. So lets get started, shall we?" Claire reopened the folder at the first page of notes she had drawn up and crossed her hands over them. "Firstly, can I ask, will Mr Wade be joining us at some point? I would rather this meeting was heard by all parties involved." Nikki immediately looked at Barbara, who returned the look, equally as stunned.

"There must be some mistake, Miss Walker." Barbara interjected. "There is no Mr. Wade…there is however a Miss Patricia Harris." Claire blushed at her own naivety and trying not to stumble over her words and look flustered she replied.

"Ah. I apologise, Miss Wade, for my unfounded presumption. Let me start again. Will Miss Harris be joining us today?" Claire smiled inwardly. Firstly for being able to keep her composure, and secondly for the fact the ball was now in her court. Lesbian adoptions were still a rarity in Britain, despite the laws and legislations having changed in their favour, and as much as Claire hated the fact, she knew it would undoubtedly go against the couple in a court of law.

"No," Nikki shook her head. "Trisha…Miss Harris, is unfortunately too ill to attend today." Nikki hoped her lie wasn't obvious, but it was all she could think of to say after being put on the spot. "But rest assured I will be informing her of what has been said."

"That's fine. Well, as the adoption agency has already informed you, Ellidah's mother has come forward and wishes to contest your rights as her daughter's legal guardians."

"Ellidah isn't her daughter!" Nikki snapped and despite the look of warning from her lawyer, she continued. "She may have given birth to her, but that's where the connection of being a parent ends. The second that umbilical cord was cut, she gave away her rights to that title. I'm the one who has been there for that little girl the last two years, not her!" Nikki's face flushed red as her blood pressure shot up and her temper went with it.

"Miss Wade, I am not the judge, nor jury, and I am certainly not here to argue the facts. I am here to discuss the best way to proceed in this matter. And to keep the situation as amicable as possible." Nikki rolled her eyes at Claire's attempt at diplomacy, which had never been a strong point of her own character. "Currently my client is requesting full custody and guardianship, and that Ellidah should be returned to herself permanently. But I want to discuss with you the possibility of you agreeing to joint custody with Ms Stewart - to perhaps keep this matter from going any further."

"No way!" Nikki stood up from her chair and leaned across the desk menacingly. "I will never allow that to happen. You can tell your client that if she had wanted her child she should never have placed her in care in the first place!"

"Miss Wade, I will have to ask you to calm down or I cannot proceed with this meeting." Nikki backed away and stood straight, but did not retake her seat, for she wasn't planning on staying in the room much longer. "Thank you. Now the situation with Ms Stewart isn't as cut and dried as you may think. That's why I advise you to think seriously about the option of sharing custodial rights. If this case goes to court then you are taking the huge risk of losing Ellidah for good, and I'm sure neither you nor your partner wants that to happen."

"And I, Miss Walker, would advice you not to try and intimidate me, because it just won't bloody wash. There is no way your client will win this case and that's why I will not agree to your offer. And if it means this goes to trial, then so be it."

"Nikki, I think you should go home and talk this through with Trisha, " Nikki's lawyer piped up for the first time since entering the room. "Don't cut your nose off to spite your face." Nikki looked at the three faces staring her way while she contemplated her solicitors advice, before she walked to the door.

"Jonathan. This is my daughter we are talking about, and I will not let her go without a fight." She turned to look at Barbara whose eyes shone with pity. "Thanks for everything Bab's, I couldn't have done this without you." She gave a small smile of gratitude which soon fell from her face as her gaze met with Claire's. "Ms Walker," She paused for effect. "I'll see you in court."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Nikki tore up her driveway at breakneck speed and slammed the breaks on just as she was about to crash into her double-garage. She didn't seem to notice her near miss, and if she had she would have welcomed it. But right now no amount of physical pain could overshadow the emotional agony that was slowly tearing her apart.

Nikki Wades life was spiralling out of control. She was hurtling rapidly towards rock bottom, clutching at every feasible piece of support on the way down, but she knew she was about to hit the ground; hard.

"Trisha?" Nikki lifted her weary head to see her ex-girlfriend standing in the main doorway, her cases by her side. "Where are you going?" This was the last thing she needed right now; Trisha causing a drama.

"I'm leaving Nikki. You were right this morning. I've disgraced this family and I have no right to be a part of lt. You and Ellidah deserve so much better. I shouldn't have begged you to let me stay; it was a shitty thing to do."

"You can say that again." Nikki snorted mirthlessly. "So, what's brought about this sudden change of attitude?"

"I had a long, hard think while you were out…I'm so embarrassed, and ashamed, Nikki. How could I live here, seeing you every day, watching you hurting; knowing I had caused it? I wouldn't be able to look you in eye." Trisha's bottom lip trembled as regret hit her. She had never meant for her infidelity to go this far. Losing Nikki had never been part of her plan, all she had wanted was a bit of fun, away from the mundane family life that had become a routine - a routine she had grown to despise. "It would be torture for both of us, and you know it."

"And where do you plan to go?" Nikki questioned.

"I called my parents and told them I was going to be visiting. A few weeks in the country will give me time to find something more permanent, and perhaps let the dust settle between us both. We both have a lot to discuss when I get back; the running of the club for one; and I don't want their to be any animosity to get in the way." Nikki sighed deeply and shook her head. All the anger and resentment she had bottled up seemed to diminish in the blink of an eye. She hated what Trisha had done to her and there was no denying that it had hurt her immensely to find out her partner had been sleeping with another woman behind her back, but really she couldn't blame her for it. The relationship that had once been filled with love and contentment had long ago died like a wilted flower. Affair or not, there was nothing that could have been done to repair it. This break-up had been inevitable; Trisha had just sped up the process with her infidelity. She had done them a favour.

"Put your case back, you're not going anywhere." Nikki shuffled past her ex and grabbed a weighty piece of luggage on her way.

"What? Nikki, what are you doing? My parents are expecting me this evening." Trisha looked exasperated by Nikki's sudden, seeming change of heart.

"Well then call them and tell them something important has come up and you can't make it." Nikki replied, agitation evident in her voice.

"But it hasn't." Trisha interjected

"Yes, Trisha, it has. You're right, we do have to talk, but not about us or the club." Trisha looked puzzled. She had no idea where her ex was heading with this, but she had a feeling it wouldn't be long before she found out. "I need a favour…and I think you owe me one, after the shit you've caused."

"If that's emotional blackmail then you can forget it!" Trisha turned to storm away and immediately Nikki felt panic rush around her veins. As much as it pained her to admit it, she needed Trisha right now, or she could kiss goodbye any chances of winning in court, and subsequently lose her daughter. So for once in her life she was not going to let her temper and let her sharp tongue get in the way.

"For Christ sake, Trisha!" Nikki shouted angrily before taking a deep breath to calm herself. "It isn't emotional blackmail…I really need your help…please…do one last thing for me." The desperation in Nikki's voice was enough to make Trisha stop and think. Never in nine years had Nikki pleaded with her; not once. So whatever this favour was, it must have meant a lot. "Please, come inside and let me explain everything."

"Fine…I'll listen to what you have to say, but I'm not agreeing to anything until then, okay?"

"Deal." Nikki backed away from the door and allowed Trisha entry. As she closed over the door she felt her chin begin to quiver; the first sign that tears weren't far away. But she had to hold it together. Now wasn't the time for crying, for she had a lot of persuading to do, and with Trisha, that was no easy feat. But in this case, it really was a matter of life or death.

********

Helen lifted the wine glass to her mouth and took a gentle sip of the red liquid that travelled to her stomach with beautiful, burning ease. It had been such a long, arduous day of doing nothing, except stress over the path that her life was careering down at an alarming rate. And, as usual, alcohol had been the drug of choice to help her try to unwind.

"Top up?" Helen looked across at her blonde, equally enthusiastic drinking companion and lifted the near empty bottle to her glass.

"Oh, go on then. It would be rude to refuse." Karen Betts flashed her best smile and gave Helen a playful nudge on the leg.

"Let's get pissed." Helen announced with enthusiasm and clunked her glass against Karen's. "Cheers."  
"So, what's all this about? You sounded like a nervous wreck on the phone." Karen lit a cigarette and lifted the sparkling clean ashtray from the coffee table and sat it on her lap.

"Claire phoned me earlier." Helen took a deep breath and a drink. "Apparently she has managed to get a trial date. It starts on the 19th." A tired sigh left her lips.

"Three weeks today? Wow. That was quick!" Karen raised her eyebrows.

"Tell me about it. I wasn't expecting it to happen this fast. I don't think I'm prepared, Karen."

"Of course you are. All you need is a bit of support. You know I'm here for you." Karen grabbed Helen's free hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "And what about Sean?"

"Sean is long gone! He's doesn't know a thing about this and that's the way I want it to stay." Helen proclaimed, almost angrily. Angrily enough for Karen to skim over the subject of Sean and move over to her next subject.

"Thomas has been asking for you…" Karen didn't know if mentioning Helen's old boyfriend was a wise move after the last reaction she got at mentioning an ex but, never one to hold back, she bit the bullet and awaited a reaction. But to her surprise, Helen said nothing, so she probed a little further "He's really keen to help you in anyway he can, you know. I think he misses you." Karen tried to be as subtle as she could, but subtlety had never been her strong point. She had a few unresolved questions of her own that she wanted answers to. For these last few weeks, Thomas Waugh had seemingly made it his lives mission to track her down at work and interrogate her like one of his patients. "How is Helen?" "Where is Helen?" "When is Helen coming back to work?" "How is the dealings with her daughter coming along?" Question after question - and she was becoming a little tired of being the middle man. It was clear Thomas was smitten with the petite Scot. The looks of sadness tinged with affection as he spoke about Helen were enough of a giveaway. But were those feelings still reciprocated?

"Thomas and I were over before we even began. He's just as fragile as what I am right now. I don't want him to get involved…"

"Is that for his sake or yours?" As ever Karen went for the Jugular.

"His…mine…both…oh, I don't know." Helen dropped her eyes. "I don't want him to get hurt, and he will…we all will."

"I don't get it, Helen? All he wants to do is be a shoulder to cry on…he's told me as much. Let him help, but be straight with him. Tell him all you want is friendship."

"It's more complicated that, Karen…you don't understand."

"Well, then make me understand!" Karen didn't mean to lose her temper, but quite frankly she had had enough of Helen and her clandestine behaviour of late. Her glass got slammed down on the table and she turned to grab Helen's hands in her own. "Talk to me!" Helen shook her head.

"If I tell you, you've got to promise me it will go no further."

"I promise," Karen swore and she meant it. She would never betray a good friends trust.

Helen sat in silence for a moment, staring into Karen's eyes as she chose her words carefully. But nothing she wanted to say sounded right. Everything sounded like a grand speech, filled with excuses and half-truths. So she opted to be blunt instead.

"Thomas is Ellidah's father." The words seemed to echo around the room as Karen digested them.

"But…" She started.

"But nothing. This is between us, Karen. Thomas must never find out. Things are complicated enough. You promised," Karen nodded, in deep shock. She wasn't prepared to hear such a revelation, and despite her promise she didn't know if morally she could stick to it.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

**Three weeks later**

It was an excruciatingly warm day, that was most unusual for the month of May. The sun beat down heavily from the cloudless sky, blasting it's oppressive rays onto the streets of London and the smart, yet scantily-clad commuters who were unenthusiastically making their way into work. It was the last place they wanted to be on such a glorious and rare morning. And Claire Walker was one of them.

Clad in her best "Don't fuck with me" power suit, Claire battled her way out of the stifling underground train, wiping the trickling beads of sweat from her forehead as she stood on the crammed escalator that rose into Chancery Lane Station. It was no cooler up there, and the lack of ventilation was evident amongst the tired, sweaty crowds. But it was just the incentive she needed to push her way out onto the street and onwards to her final destination; an extremely well air-conditioned Royal Courts of Justice.

She had only ever been inside the grand period building on one previous occasion, during an internship from University, when the lawyer she studied under had taken her along with him to the highly anticipated murder trial of Charlie Atkins. It had given her a rare insight into the revered world of high-brow Criminal Justice, with its own set of rules, old boys network politics and underhanded corruption. This however would be her first time handling a case that could potentially become high-profile, hurtling herself and her client into the media limelight, where everything that was said and done would come under close public scrutiny. And it meant it wasn't just Helen that could stand to lose everything; she could too. She knew many a lawyer who had put their careers on the line to back a case that would put their names in the paper, only for the case to turn into a shambles, creating the wrong kind of publicity for them and resulting in loss of face, money and reputation. She silently prayed she hadn't bitten off more than she could chew.

Helen Stewart, dressed in her best tailored pinstripe suit, which had originally been bought for her first day of work at Larkhall, breezed through the main doors of the court. She had a professional, calm air about her, and could easily have been mistaken for another barrister ready to do battle in one of the many cases that were scheduled for that morning. But that was a stark comparison to what she felt inside, and the only thing she was desperately trying to battle with was her building nerves. For today was undoubtedly the biggest, most important day of her life so far.

The smell of the main entrance hall hit her nostrils immediately; leather, mixed with a strange combination of bleach, antique furniture and dust. It reminded her of the pungent aroma of her office in Larkhall, minus the stench of boiled cabbage that came from the kitchens around lunchtime and hung around all day, much to her distaste.

The décor however was as from Larkhall as you could get. With a grand Gothic exterior, of towers and turrets, that extended inside, to tall, intricately carved archways supported by unique stone pillars, hanging chandeliers and stained glass windows that's cast kaleidoscopic shadows over a beautiful and intricate tiled mosaic floor of suns, moons and stars. The whole setting had an ethereal feel about it. It reminded Helen of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris and the short time she had spent there on what was supposed to be a romantic weekend with Sean, and that turned out to be a colossal disaster. She gently shook her head to eradicate the memory. It was the last thing she wanted to be thinking about right now. Today bigger, more troubling ghosts of her past were about to be presented, and haunt her in front of a Judge and Jury.

Nikki Wade bundled herself and her ex-girlfriend into a waiting cab outside the front of their jointly owned club in Soho and gave the driver instructions of her destination. He nodded in acknowledgement but said no more. It was evident from just her facial expression that, despite the soaring heat, a black rain cloud was hanging over her head and she was in no mood to talk about it.

"It's going to a gorgeous day." Trisha watched the sky from the back of the taxi and made her observation to an uncaring Nikki.

"Hmmm…" Was all she offered in return, so Trisha tried again.

"Yvonne said she would meet us inside around 10 o'clock."

"Hmmm…"

"Aliens landed on Hyde Park this morning…news reports said an invasion was imminent."

"Hmmm…"

"Oh, for God sake Nikki, you're not listening to a word I'm saying are you?!" Trisha screeched, catching not only Nikki's attention, but also the drivers, who smirked behind the plastic partition.

"What? Of course I'm listening, but I'm trying to bloody think and you keep interrupting me! What if there's some legal loopholes that we don't know about?"

"Leave that for Jonathan to deal with! That's what we're paying him a fortune to do! If I had known you were going to take such an active roll in the legality of it all I would have you suggested you represent yourself…"

"You're right…" Trisha went to relax back into the seat, but Nikki wasn't finished. "I should have represented myself. When we get to the court I'll tell Jonathan he's fired."

"No you bloody won't!" Trisha was by now on the edge of her chair facing her partner with bulging eyes and an almost comical facial expression. "Have you gone crazy all of a sudden? Nikki, it's bad enough you hired Jonathan Myers, a corporate lawyer who has absolutely no adoption law experience whatsoever…but to represent yourself, that's just ludicrous!"

"No it's not. Don't you see…it's a great idea. I would get to cross-examine this Helen Stewart woman the way I want it done. Jon's a pansy, he won't get stuck into her like I would!" Excitement suddenly flashed in Nikki's eyes, and it worried Trisha. She knew when Nikki got a ridiculous idea in her head it was hard to talk her out of it…but she had to try.

"Exactly! You're a hot-headed, erratic, mentalist! You would last five minutes before being held in contempt of court. This is not an episode of Ally McBeal, Nik! It's you daughters...our daughters livelihood that is at stake here. Now, I have already agreed to go through with one hair-brained scheme of yours, I am even prepared to lie under oath for you…but this, this I will not tolerate. If you don't stop this crazy idea then I'm getting out of the taxi and you can find someone else to lie for you…so what's it to be?"

"Fine!"

"Fine I should get out, or fine you will let Jonathan lead the trial?" Trisha held her breath hoping it would be the latter, but she needn't have worried. Nikki petulantly folded her arms across her chest and defiantly looked away.

"I won't fire Jonathan." She mumbled and tried to contain her tears. She had deep down known all along it was a terrible plan. She didn't even know the difference between litigation and defamation let alone know how to cross-examine witnesses or prepare a closing statement. But she was so desperate to keep her daughter she would stop at nothing if it meant winning this case. She had even managed to talk Trisha into something that could land them both in hot water, but Yvonne had assured her it was fool proof as long as they all stuck to the plan. She just hoped her best friend was right.

Helen took a seat in the waiting area, and observed her surroundings. People watching was a great hobby of hers, having studied the complexities of human psychology at University. Body language and mannerisms fascinated her. Just the idea that while the lips were saying one thing the body could be saying something entirely different was enough to keep her enthralled. Her eyes darted back and forth across the room. To the young receptionist at the helpdesk, who answered the phone with an enthusiastic professionalism, yet rhythmically tapped her pen against the side of the switchboard in an act of boredom that the caller could not see. To the barrister in his wig and robes, files under his arm looking like the consummate authoritarian, but the look of panic in his eyes told a different story.

"Helen, I am so sorry I'm late, the tube was absolute pandemonium! How are you?" Claire bent down to give her friend a rushed kiss on the cheek.

"Me? Terrified, but managing to hold it together. You don't look much better yourself, what's wrong?"

"Nothing for you to worry to about. Marion called and left a message on my mobile saying some new evidence has come to light. She'll tell me about it when she gets here…" Claire glanced down at her watch. "Which should be any minute. The trial is scheduled to start at 10am, so…ah, look, there she is now. How about you go get yourself a coffee whilst I talk things over with Marion? I'll meet you back here in say, 15 minutes?"

"Sounds like a plan. I could do with the caffeine actually. See if it will settle my stomach, or snap me out of this trance I feel like I'm in." Claire sat down her briefcase on an empty chair and encased her friend in a hug.

"Stop worrying. This case is in the best possible hands. I know the odds don't seem like they're in your favour, but trials like this can swing 360 degrees in minutes. Come on, where's the Helen Stewart I used to know? The one who believed anything was possible. We are going to win this, Hel…" Helen pulled away and gave Claire a faint smile. She really wanted to believe her friend was right, but she knew the second her skeletons began to fall out of the closet the jury was going to see her in a different light.

Nikki and Trisha made their way into the main building, neither haven spoken since Nikki had refused to further comment on Trisha's insistence that Jonathan carry on as their legal representative. The air could have been cut with a knife, but Trisha decided to try and break the ice.

"I'll go in and find the legal team and see if Von is sitting in the waiting room. Why don't you go and get us something to drink?"

"Can't be arsed." Nikki said curtly.

"Well try and be arsed! The trial starts in twenty minutes, and you have a face like a wet weekend! God, Nikki, you are really starting to get on my nerves." Trisha's angry voice echoed around the building, drawing some sideward glances from those around them.

"Feeling's mutual." Nikki shrugged, looking everywhere but in Trisha's direction.

"Grow up. Here…" Trisha thrust a handful of coins from her purse into Nikki's hand before making to stomp off. "Get me a tea, milk, no sugar." And before Nikki could protest she was gone. With a deep, pitiful sigh Nikki let her shoulders slump and began searching the overhead signs for a symbol that would direct her to the nearest place for provisions.

**Queens building - Bathrooms and Vending Machine - Ground floor. **

The modern neon notice board flashed the information in bright yellow letters, making it hard for anyone to miss, and Nikki set off to get the drinks. It was only a short walk, but with the size of the ground floor it was hard to find where you were going without a map and a compass. So by the time Nikki found the lone drinks dispenser her temper was heightened to snapping point.

She took the coins from her pocket and slipped them one by one into the requested slot and read down the list on the side until she found the button for a black coffee. But as she pressed it nothing happened. She waited a moment, eyeing the machine with anger, and counting to ten in her head before she pressed it again…still nothing.

"Fucking work!" In a fit of rage she slammed her fist into the centre of the machine and before she knew she was letting out a scream of pain as boiling hot water began to seep out, splash onto her leg, soaking through the material of her Armani suit and on to her skin.

"Shit, are you okay?" A voice behind her questioned.

"Do I look like I'm bloody okay!" She snapped back as she limped towards a plastic chair to sit down and inspect the damage. She rolled her trouser leg up as far up her thigh as far it would go and she felt a set of soft hands that weren't her own reach out and touch her calf.

"You've scolded yourself pretty badly." The stranger winced and began to dab a cold, damp piece of tissue against her skin. Where it came from Nikki didn't know, but she really didn't care either, for it was easing her pain.

As the small golden-haired woman gently patted the compress against her inner thigh Nikki sat back and quietly watched. From the position she sat she couldn't see the woman's face, but she could see a set of long, dark mascara coated eyelashes that somehow she knew would be attached to the most gorgeous set of eyes. And she wasn't wrong.

"Just hold it there for a wee while, it will stop it blistering." The good Samaritan looked up and Nikki gave her a smile.

"Thanks." She gave a grateful nod and put her hand over the woman's until the blonde slowly slid her own away.

"Don't mention it. But really I should be thanking you. You've helped take my mind off of things for five minutes." The woman gave Nikki a sad smile that made her heart constrict, for she knew just how she felt.

"Well in that case, you're welcome." Nikki flirtatiously replied as the other woman stood back up. She was about to add that she guessed she wasn't a lawyer then when an announcement came over the speaker system.

_"__Can I have your attention please. Trial number 233 - Stewart Vs Wade is about to commence. Can all parties please make their way to courtroom number Eleven on the third floor. Thank you."_ Both women paused momentarily to listen to the announcement and when it finished Nikki got to her feet.

"I'm sorry, I have to go, that announcement was for me…" Nikki gave the woman one last smile, but it wasn't returned.

"You're Nicola Wade, aren't you?" The woman asked; shocked.

"Yes, why…who are you?" Nikki furrowed her brows and hoped she wasn't about to get the answer she was expecting.

"I'm Helen Stewart…Ellidah's Mother!"

For a split second time stood still as both woman locked eyes. All smiles and pleasantries were long gone and they were replaced with angry scowls. Hatred was written all over their faces as they each stared at the woman who had the potential to ruin their entire life.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Claire looked over Marion's shoulder as she caught a glimpse of Helen stomping quickly towards her, her face like thunder. She frowned, wondering what had caused such a dramatic and sudden change in her friends mood, until not more than four paces behind her she saw a tall, dark-haired woman who she recognised to be Nicola Wade. Claire rolled her eyes and excused herself to Marion.

"What's going on?" Claire gave Helen her best reprimanding look and dragged her off to the side, all the while never taking her eyes from an equally irate looking Nikki.

"Nothing's going on…other than the fact I've just had a mountain of verbal abuse from her…" Helen nodded towards Nikki, who was now having a heated debate with two women who she didn't recognise; but Claire did, much to her shock. The aghast look on her face was enough to make Helen shut up for a second and forget all that had gone on between herself and her nemesis.

"Well I never…" Claire's stunned expression soon dissipated as a grin spread across her face. "Look who's here to support Ms Wade." Before Helen got the opportunity to ask who exactly and satisfy her confused curiosity, Claire was off and making a beeline for the huddled group. As she approached the three women they fell silent.

"Well, well, well…Mrs Atkins; I didn't expect to see you here." Claire was smug and it didn't go amiss. "It's been a while…six years, if my memory serves me well." Claire leaned in stealthily. She knew she shouldn't be talking to anyone other than her own client, but this was too good an opportunity to pass by, even if it did go against her own personal ethics and everything she had been taught.

"Excuse me, love, but do I know you?" Yvonne didn't know whether to scowl or smile.

"Oh, I wouldn't think so. But I know you! I was on the prosecuting team at you husbands murder trial…i was certain you would be doing a long stretch in Larkhall right now."

"Yeah, well I was innocent, wasn't I. The Jury knew it, the judge knew it…I loved my Charlie!"

"Really? The evidence didn't point to that, and the hit man who did your dirty work didn't seem to think you were innocent either." She let out a theatrical sigh. "Ah well, I suppose some people have the luck of the Gods on their side…or a few favours owed to them by London's underworld."

"Listen, darlin', I don't know what you're trying to imply here, but I'm warning you, it had better not effect Nikki's case! She loves that little girl and it will be over my dead body that she loses her!" Yvonne got a little too close to Claire for Nikki's liking, and despite the fact she would have loved to see the stuck-up lawyer get a fist in her face, she stepped in between them.

"Leave it, both of you. This isn't the time or the place. If the two of you want to go ten rounds, leave it for after the trial. Like you said, Yvonne, I won't have this Jeopardise my chances of keeping Ellidah." Claire backed off first, knowing fine well she had put herself in deep shit; in more ways than one, and Yvonne stepped down soon after. Although by the bulge in her eyes and the redness of her pale cheeks it was blatantly obvious she was baying for blood - Claire's. 

Throughout the verbal sparring, Trisha kept her head bowed and she didn't utter a word, in the vain hope that it would make her invisible to a certain Claire Walker, whom she had almost choked upon seeing. This was one spanner in the works that she had not been expecting. But she wouldn't be able to hide for long.

"I think Nikki is right, let's leave this for inside the courtroom, shall we? Ms Wade, Mrs Atkins…" Claire courteously nodded her head in each woman's direction before turning to the tall blonde who in ten minutes hadn't lifted her eyes from her feet. "Trisha…I wish you all luck and as they say; let the best man win." As Claire walked off, Trisha turned her gaze to Nikki, whose eyes were already conspicuously boring into her.

"What was that about?" Nikki questioned, her intuition telling her something fishy was going on.

"What was what about?" Trisha stuttered as her cheeks burned pink. She never had been a good liar and Nikki always saw through her. She was caught out, that much she knew. She also knew playing dumb could buy her plenty of time to work on a lie; something she had become used to these last few months. But that still didn't mean she was any good at it. Nikki would get it out of her eventually, but she had to make sure it was after the trial.

"You know fine well what I'm talking about! How did you get to be on first name terms with the bloody opposition!" Nikki seethed, trying to keep her rant to a hushed whisper. But before Trisha could think of an answer, a court clerk appeared and called all parties to take their seats. "I'm not finished with you, we'll talk about this later!" The anger in Nikki's tone of voice almost made Trisha burst into tears. She was easily intimidated, and there was nothing, in her book, more intimidating than being on the receiving end of a full-blown Wade temper tantrum. With Nikki's back turned, she let out a sigh and with shaky legs she followed behind; reassured and slightly comforted by Yvonne's hand on her shoulder.

By the time they got into the courtroom, Helen, Claire and Marion had taken their seats by the jury box on the right hand side of the room. Helen looked up and she heard the approaching footsteps make their way along the wooden flooring, and for a second her green eyes caught in a locked stare with the tall brunette. Her heart began to pound in her chest as adrenaline rushed through her veins. Nerves, fear and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on made her body imperceptibly tremble, and reluctantly she forced her gaze towards the table in front of her.

Nikki continued to watch Helen intently as she took her position between Jonathan and Claire. She detested the small-Scot with a burning passion that rose from her stomach and extended all the way to her heart. She wanted so badly to scream, shout and hit out at Helen Stewart. She wanted a million questions answered. But most of all she wanted to keep the little girl whom she had grown to think of, and love as her own.

"All rise. The Honourable Lord Justice Sullivan preceding." The court clerks voiced echoed the room, causing everyone to submit to silence and stand to attention. "Case Stewart Vs Wade. You may be seated."

"Could Counsel please approach the bench." Lord Justice Sullivan; an elderly looking figure, dressed in official robe and wig made his way to his seat and settled in before addressing the barristers in a manner only a supreme court judge could have.

"In all my years as a civil law Judge, I must admit I have never come across a case as profound and complicated as the one I have presented to me here today and I expect a challenge is ahead. I also expect counsel are prepared?" Both sets of barristers nodded. "Well, then let us proceed. Ms Walker?"

"Your Honour. I wish to place a request before this trial is to commence. On behalf of my client, I ask that you take into consideration not only the long term parental rights of Ellidah Wade, but also the temporary. I would like to apply for parental access in the interim."

"I object, Your Honour! What Ms Walker has just requested could, in the long run, be psychologically damaging to the little girl in question. Ellidah Wade has no idea who Ms. Stewart is, and introducing her as her birth mother could pose problematic."

"I disagree Mr Myers. I actually agree with Ms Walker. If the outcome of this trial falls in Ms. Stewart's favour, then the child will have less trouble adjusting if she has already had some contact and familiarity with her birth mother. So, Ms. Walker, I grant your request. Ms. Stewart may have restricted, and monitored supervised access to Ellidah Wade. I will allow access each Saturday, starting from tomorrow until the end of the trial, when I will review all circumstances. In the mean time, session will be adjourned until 10am on Monday morning." Lord Sullivan disappeared into his chambers and Claire turned to give Helen the thumbs up and a beaming grin, which Helen apprehensively returned. She was ecstatic, of course she was, but the hurt look on the face of Nikki Wade made her heart constrict. In the pursuit of her own happiness she was destroying another families life and the guilt ate at her conscience. She watched transfixed as the tall brunette was encased in her blonde companions arms, and from the way her shoulders were heaving, she could tell Nikki was crying. She continued to watch as the blonde pulled away, said a few words to Nikki and then turned to walk in her direction. She almost turned to run but her feet were firmly planted to the floor.

"Miss Stewart…Trisha Harris." Trisha held out her hand which Helen reached out and shook.

"Helen, please."

"Helen. Our Solicitor has asked I speak to you in regards to the visitation order you've just been granted."

"Oh, ok." Helen didn't know what to say. She was still reeling from the fact she would be allowed to see her daughter at some point.

"We are having a birthday party for Ellidah tomorrow afternoon at our house…"

"Oh…well, I guess I can ask that my day be changed?" Helen looked sadly at her feet.

"No, not at all. What I mean is, you are welcome to come. Here's the address…" Trisha handed over a business card. "It starts at two." And with that she went back to console her ex partner, who seemed in no fit state for anything. Primarily she was in shock. Ten minutes was all it took a judge to act in Helen's favour. Was this how the entire trial would proceed? If so then perhaps she had made a very hasty decision to take things this far down the legal path. But it was too late for those kind of questions. The legal ball was already rolling...right out of her reach.

Nikki wasn't the only one in reeling in shock. Helen couldn't believe that in less than 24 hours she would be able to look into the eyes of the little girl who had been torn from her against her will.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

The court battle, which on it's first day had seemed like a victory, had now left Helen feeling more dejected than before it had begun. The deep sense of loss that consumed her was joined now by an overwhelming cacophony of other emotions, and not one of them were remotely pleasant. How could she feel anything close to triumphant when she was inadvertently destroying another persons life in the pursuit of mending her own broken down excuse for an existence.

Every moral fibre in her body screamed at her to halt proceedings and end this farce now, before hearts were broken. But the trouble was, hers was broken already. For two years she had been without the little part of her she had given birth too, and Ellidah felt like the missing piece to a gaping hole that consumed her empty soul. She felt for the woman who had been looking after Ellidah, she really did, but just not enough to give up this fight.

The structured features of Nicola Wade's face was emblazoned at the forefront of her mind, and every time it appeared a churning sensation soon followed in the pit of her empty stomach. She hated being the bad guy. It was bad enough that her career choice put her in that position without it creeping into her personal life too. But these days it seemed no matter who came in contact with her, she hurt them without having to try.

She pushed the negative thoughts away before she drove herself crazy with them and turned to look at her friend, Karen who was sitting on the bed behind her.

"So, how do I look?" She questioned as she ran her hands down the yellow summer dress she had put on. "Not too much, is it?"

"You look gorgeous and no, it's not too much. Stop worrying Helen, it's only a kids party." Karen chastised her, seemingly forgetting that in fact, to Helen, this was much more than just a child's birthday celebration.

"This will be the first time I've seen my daughter, Karen. I don't want anything to go wrong." Helen looked terrified as she spoke, her voice quivering. Her face was pale despite the light coating of make up, and her hands imperceptibly trembled.

"Nothing will go wrong. I'm coming to the party with you, so if things do go tits up at least you'll have a bit of support." Karen stood and took Helen's hands in her own. "Deep breaths. This is the first step to you getting your daughter back, don't mess it up by being a wreck." Helen gave a faint smile. If it hadn't been for Karen agreeing to go with her she was sure she had made the decision to stay at home and not put herself through this unnecessary torture.

"Thanks, Karen. I can always count on you for a hard time." She smiled again, this time a little brighter.

"Yes you can, so get your arse out of that door now. We're already twenty minutes late and I refuse to miss playing pass the parcel."

Karen drove her racing-green MG up to the front of the house she suspected was the one matching the details on the piece of paper Helen had handed her. The driveway was jam-packed with cars, so she pulled into the last available space on the street and brought the car to a standstill.

"Wow," Karen whistled. "Nice house. Looks like this woman's got a few quid in the bank." Karen's statement was said in good humour, mostly to help put Helen at ease, but instead she suddenly began to feel inadequate. She was by no means poor, but neither was she rich enough to afford a palatial house in Notting Hill, nor the expensive convertible that sat outside it.

When she first saw Nicola Wade in the waiting room at the Old Bailey, she had had no expectations of how this woman lived, what she did as a career or how much money she made in a year. Nikki hadn't looked overly flashy. The dark suit she had worn was non-descript and hadn't screamed of wealth, only classic elegance - but this house certainly did and it made Helen add to her doubts by wondering if she could give her daughter the life Nicola and Trisha obviously could.

"Maybe we should just turn back. I don't think this is a good idea." Helen fiddled in her bag, looking for her mobile to call Claire and tell her to call the trial off.

"What? Don't be stupid, Helen. You can't back out now, you've come too far. You've put your job and your life on the line for this little girl and I won't allow you to walk away." Karen put on her best Governors voice as she sensed that Helen was about to bolt and run for the hills.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do. It's not my life we should be thinking about, it's Ellidah's and what's best for her."

"Exactly!" Karen interrupted. "Ellidah needs her mother. My mum walked out on myself and my brother when we were kids and, granted, we still had our dad, but even when he remarried it didn't make a difference to the hurt we felt, that the woman who had given birth to us had just discarded us without a seconds thought. No one could replace her in our lives. There is a bond between birth mother and daughter that no one can compete with. How's Ellidah going to feel when she find out her Mum gave her away, not once, but twice." Helen thought about what her friend was saying to her and the guilt made her have a sudden change of mind. She unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car with determination. Karen smiled to herself and followed.

As both women walked up the driveway they could hear the party already going full swing in the back garden, so instead of ringing the doorbell, they went around the side of the house.

Helen pushed Karen through the small walkway first and, somewhat timidly, hid behind her whilst scanning the gorgeously landscaped area for the sight of a familiar face. And it wasn't long before she herself was spotted. Trisha, who was standing with a group of women, broke away from them politely as she saw the two blonde women come through the alley at the side of the house.

"Helen, you made it." Trisha exclaimed with a smile, as though Helen was a long lost friend. "I'm so pleased." Her proclamation was genuine.

Trisha bent slightly to give Helen a warm, welcoming kiss on the cheek - an act that settled Helen's nerves, but yet still made her feel uncomfortable. She felt like Osama Bin Laden visiting the White House garden party, and knew with certainty she would be the topic of everyone's conversation. Already she felt like everyone was staring in her direction. But the truth was only Trisha, Nikki and Yvonne knew who she was and why she was there.

"Yeah, only just." Helen turned to give Karen a knowing grin. "I'm a bit nervous." She admitted and Trisha put her hand on her arm.

"That's understandable, Helen, but try not to be. Ellidah's a friendly little thing."

"It's more Nicola I'm worried about."

"Nikki?" Trisha laughed. "Helen, Nikki is just as friendly and easygoing, but don't be disappointed if she blanks you or gives you the cold shoulder. She's hurting and she's angry. And when she wants to unleash that anger, then yes, it probably will be you who's on the receiving end of it. It'll be no surprise for you to hear she doesn't like you very much." Helen nodded. "Just don't give her more cause to verbally attack you, and you'll be fine." Helen didn't feel reassured by Trisha's advice. If anything she felt more apprehensive than before.

"Stay here and I'll go get Ellidah." Trisha walked off and Helen watched her every step as she made her way towards Nikki, who was crouched next to a small blonde girl in a white dress. She watched them talk momentarily, and from where she was she could see Nikki's face had grown red in anger. She tried not to let it deter her, but as all three began to make there way towards her, she felt the all too familiar tremble restart.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from the trio. Trisha smiled, Nikki scowled, but managed to temper her anger, and little Ellidah eyed her curiously as she clutched onto a pink teddy bear for dear life.

"Ellidah, this is Helen…say hello." Trisha gently took the child's hand and motioned her nearer to Helen, who had tears stinging the corners of her eyes.

"Hiya, Ellidah, how are you? Are you enjoying your party?" Helen had to hold herself back from grabbing her daughter into a tight embrace and never letting go.

"Yes, thank you." The little girl answered politely in her childlike way, a little wary of this stranger she was being introduced to.

"I brought you a present." Helen fumbled in her bag for the brightly wrapped gift and handed over to the tiny hands that tore at it enthusiastically yet unsuccessfully. But when she wasn't getting very far, Helen softly took it back with the aim of helping her out.

"She quite capable of opening it herself." Helen looked up into a set of furious brown eyes and immediately felt intimidated.

"Sorry," She said sadly and handed the unwrapped present back, but Ellidah didn't seem to notice the exchange of words between the two women; she was too engrossed on the shimmering silver bangle inside.

"Look mummy," She pulled it out from the box and held it up for Nikki who tried to smile. But the strained grin soon left her lips as she moved her gaze to Helen, who was still reeling from having heard her daughter call the tall, fiery woman, Mummy.

"She already has a bangle." Nikki scowled and Trisha, sensing the tension, interrupted.

"A girl can never have enough jewellery though, right Ellidah?" She lifted the girl into her arms and turned to Nikki.

"Come on, Nik, let's go see how Yvonne is doing with the party games." Nikki gave her ex-girlfriend a look that would have killed and stormed off tempestuously.

Trisha didn't say anything, but the look she gave Helen and Karen was apologetic.

"Ellidah, I'm going to help Mummy and Aunty Von with the ice-cream and jelly…will you stay here with Helen and her friend Karenand play some games?"

Ellidah nodded and Helen smiled as she felt her heart swell. The resemblance between them was uncanny - there was no doubting her parentage; Ellidah was hers all right.

Content that Ellidah was in safe hands, Trisha went after Nikki to give her a good talking to about her behaviour, which had mortified her.

Helen stood in awkward silence, unsure of what to say to break the ice, but she needn't have worried as her daughter took it upon herself to start an innocent conversation.

"Look, this is my baby," A tiny little hand thrust her teddy into Helen's. Helen took the bear, and immediately recognised it as the one she had bought when she first found out she was pregnant. A single tear fell from her eye.

"And you're mine," She whispered to herself.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Helen had been having so much fun playing with her daughter that she hadn't noticed the sun slowly setting on the horizon or the cold breeze that circled in the air. She had even managed to forget about all her anxieties; Nicola Wade and her watchful eyes being the main one.

For the first hour, Helen had been aware of Nikki staring at her menacingly from afar. But as her daughter began to open up and become comfortable in her company, Nikki and her intimidating glares had become nothing more than a fleeting memory. Helen wasn't prepared to let it spoil this special day; a day she would treasure for the rest of her life, no matter what would happen in the future.

Instead, she let her hair down and regressed back to her childhood as she bounced playfully amongst the children on the bright red bouncy castle. Even Karen, who normally liked to stay on the right side of sophistication joined in on the action. Both women held Ellidah's hands as they bounded around on the pockets of air, occasionally losing their balance and falling into a towering heap. The giggles from the three rang around the garden, raising smiles from the crowd who watched on, amused at the activities. But Nikki was far from smiling.

"She shouldn't be here," Nikki slurred as she downed the remnants from the beer glass that threatened to shatter under her tightening grip.

"She has every right to be here," Trisha snapped back, through clenched teeth, thoroughly annoyed. "The courts have ruled in her favour, and if you don't start acting like a civil human being, they will continue to do so." Yvonne, who was sitting next to the two women, rolled her eyes.

"Button it, both of you." She looked specifically at Trisha, trying to warn her with only her eyes that Nikki was fast becoming drunk and hostile and that it was best not to rock the boat. Nikki could be mouthy at the best of times, but fuelled with alcohol, Nikki could cause an argument in an empty room.

"Mummy Nikki, I hitted Helen," Ellidah ran enthusiastically towards the three women. The mischievous look on her face was comical, but Trisha ignored it to try and find out what had happened. She looked up to find Helen and Karen walking towards her, Helen clutching at her face.

"What happened Helen?" She asked, concerned.

"Oh, nothing to worry about, we all just got a little too carried away on the bouncy castle and I got an elbow in the eye from this wee minx." Helen lifted Ellidah into the air, tickling at her sides and sending her into raucous giggles.

Trisha found the act heart-warming and smiled, but she was also aware of the reaction it would instigate in Nikki. She could almost hear her ex biting down on her tongue.

"Do you want an icepack? It will take the swelling down." Trisha heard Nikki grunt behind her as she spoke and tried to ignore it. Grunts like that were normally the start of an outburst and she had to try and get these two women as far away from each other as possible.

"Nah, it's fine, honest. I'll put something on it when I get home." Helen beamed back. Not even the prospect of a black eye could wipe the happy smile from her face.

"Leaving already?" Nikki added facetiously, already feeling like Helen and her friend had overstayed their welcome. If she had had her way they wouldn't have been there at all, but tough persuasion from Yvonne on the benefits to sticking with court orders had made her relent.

"Er, well, yes, I guess we had better." The comment had taken Helen by surprise and left her feeling like she had no option but to go.

"It's getting late and I guess it's past Ellidah's bedtime." Helen smiled sweetly but it was soon wiped from her face.

"What would you know," Nikki stood confrontationally and Yvonne grabbed the back of her shirt to stop her going any further and doing something she would regret in the morning. "When have you ever been there for her bedtime!"

The tension could have been cut with a knife as an awkward silence engulfed them. Even Ellidah was aware that something unpleasant was taking place as she looked from Helen to Nikki and back to gauge what was coming next.

"Come on Helen, let's get out of here." Karen tugged at her arm gently. She nodded in agreement and bent down to her daughters level to say a quick goodbye.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart. You be a good girl, and I'll come and see you again, soon, okay?" Helen wrapped her arms lovingly around the little girl, but it was a short lived embrace as she felt her daughter being snatched forcefully from her arms.

"Not if I have anything to say about you won't." Nikki lifted her daughter into the air and walked off out of sight, leaving an atmosphere of heartbreak behind her.

*******

Helen was, for once in her life, early. She sat fidgeting in the plastic seat of the courts stuffy waiting room, anticipating her legal teams arrival. She watched the elongated staircase and the crowds that descended its steep marble steps. With every sight of a dark haired woman she flinched, her stomach churning at the thought it may be Nikki Wade.

It had been two days since she had last watched Nikki's retreating back as she carried away her daughter; the girl snatched cruelly from her clutches.

At first she had been too astounded to respond to the unwarranted act of malice, but when she got home that evening the anger and resentment towards Nikki's actions began to build. She couldn't believe someone could be that spiteful. She knew there was no love lost between them, but to involve Ellidah in what should have been their battle; that was just out of order. Nikki may have been the woman who looked after her daughter for two years, but Helen was damned if the little girl would be used as a pawn in whatever game Nikki was planning on playing.

"Helen," Claire darted towards her friend. "Sorry I'm a bit late, there's a strike on the Underground…we haven't been called, have we?" Trisha explained breathlessly.

"No, you're fine. It looks like Lord Sullivan has tried to take the tube too." Helen tried to smile but Claire saw through the poor attempt.

"The weekend didn't go well?" She asked as she sat down next to Helen and was greeted with a shrug.

"Oh I don't know Claire, it seemed to go well initially…I didn't expect there to be a red carpet and a welcome party laid on for me, but, call me naive, I also didn't expect Nicola Wade to have a go at me." Claire, suddenly noticing Helen's bruised cheek, gasped.

"She hit you? Jeez, I knew she was temperamental, but this…" Claire whistled, exasperated.

"What?" Helen finally cottoned on that Claire had put two and two together and made five. She touched her eye and laughed genuinely this time. "No, you've got the wrong end of the stick. The only punch Nikki gave me was a verbal one, straight to the gut. I get the impression her bark is much worse than her bite though." Helen stared at the far off wall and thought back to Saturday afternoon. She wanted to hate Nikki, for having her daughter, and for the behaviour she exhibited, but deep down she knew she couldn't. Had the tables been turned, she may have reacted in the same angry way herself.

"Pity. It would have made for a good argument in court. I guess we can still portray her as a brutish thug though. I'll have to look into her background, see if she has a history of violent behaviour." Claire mused, mostly to herself, but Helen shook her head.

"No Claire, no underhanded tactics. I want to win this case, fair and square."

"And you think Nikki's legal team are going to play fair? You're right Helen, you are naïve." Claire turned away huffily and neither of them attempted to carry on the debate. They sat in silence until they were called to the court room, for what would be the first proper day of the bloody battle - Stewart Vs Wade.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Court was in session for what would be the first proper day of the adoption revocation appeal. Everyone was sworn in, the solicitors had taken their place in front of the Lord Sullivan QC, and in state that had become commonplace, Helen was off in a little world of her own.

She couldn't focus on anything that was happening around her. She could hear voices, but what was actually being said, she didn't know or care. She was too focused on Nikki Wade, every spiteful word she had said, every look of hatred she had thrown and every hurtful action she had had committed towards her. But now when she looked over to the tall, dark woman, she appeared just as heartbroken as Helen herself did, and if she didn't know better, Helen would never have believed Nikki was capable of such loathing and anger.

Nikki eyes looked like they had lost a sparkle that Helen had never seen but assumed had been there. The dark circles underneath made her eyes appear hollow and lifeless; almost devoid of emotion. She sat slumped in her chair fidgeting nervously with the hem of what seemed to be an expensive black suit jacket, and if Helen was right, she was just as far off in a dream world as she herself was.

All Claire's talk of playing dirty, with underhand tactics made Helen feel guilty to the core. She wanted to go over to the defendants table, wrap Nikki in her arms and tell her everything would be okay and this horrible situation would be solved amicably - but Helen didn't know herself if that was true. She had hired Claire and Marion to take on this case and from now on in it was pretty much up to them how the trial would run and she had known Claire long enough to know that she would go to any lengths to win this for her. And that's what she wanted. Truly she did. She wanted to win and get her only child back where she belonged - but just how far was she prepared to let it go and at what expense. She didn't know.

Nikki wasn't her friend, she didn't even know the woman, soon she would never see her again and it would be no great loss…so why didn't it feel like that.

Helen snapped back to life as she heard her name mentioned, quickly followed by Nikki's.

"Lord Sullivan, my client, Miss Nicola Wade has made a request that you review your decision to grant Miss Helen Stewart temporary custodial access." At the suggestion Helen sat up straight in her seat and turned to gaze at Nikki, who hadn't moved and nor did she look up.

"Mr Myers, I made myself perfectly clear last week and my opinions on the matter have not changed and nor shall they. Miss Stewart is entitled to parental access to her daughter and I will not revoke it. Now if we put aside these silly requests and get to the matter at hand - the reason why we are all here." Helen involuntarily sighed and let her tightened body loosen and fold back into the seat. Yet again she found herself looking over to Nikki and Trisha. This time Nikki looked like she had some life in her and there was some semblance of fighting passion in her eyes as she spoke quietly but heatedly to her girlfriend.

"Nikki, calm down. What did you think the judge would say?"

"I thought he would consider what was in the best interests of Ellidah." Nikki snapped back at her Ex.

"He did, Nikki! Did you really think he would just revoke the visitation rights without good reason? Helen has done nothing wrong."

"She bloody has!" Nikki retorted a little too loudly and silence befell the courtroom.

"Order!" Lord Sullivan QC bellowed and Nikki felt flushed and thoroughly chastised as his stare went right through her. Yet she couldn't help herself from turning to give her ex-girlfriend a look that would have killed. "There will be silence in my courtroom, unless I state otherwise. Anyone disobeying that will be held in contempt." Lord Sullivan paused for effect and turned back to the solicitors he had been in talks with before being rudely interrupted. "Mr Myers, please call you first appellant, Ms Patricia Harris to the stand."

Trisha stood from her chair and cast Nikki one last wary glance before she made her way to the stand, were she would be made to give her testimony. Her stomach was in knots as she took what felt like a walk of death. Jonathan would be first to question her, but she knew that once he was done with the soft approach, she would have to face Claire Walker - a woman who could make her life extremely difficult if she chose to.

"Miss Harris, in 2002, yourself and Miss Wade began the adoption process." Jonathan paced in front of the witness box and Trisha wondered where he was going to go with his line of questioning. She had already been consulted on what he would ask, and how she should answer to her best advantage, but nerves were getting the better of her and she prayed that she wouldn't let something slip and ruin everything for Nikki. They may not have been together as a couple any more, but she still cared deeply about Nikki and wanted this trial to fall in her favour because she knew just how much the woman adored her daughter.

"What made you do so?"

"We wanted to start a family. Nikki…Miss Wade and I, we looked into several methods of doing so, but in the end we chose to adopt. We had been together for eight years, we had a successful business in London…having a child was the next step. It was a natural progression - something to complete our life." Trisha spoke the words with conviction but she knew that already she was bending the truth. Their relationship had already hit the skids when they had begun the process of adoption and the real reason they had ventured down that path was in the hope a child would be the cement that would fill the cracks that had torn at their foundations. Trisha had never wanted a child. When Nikki had first brought it up all Trisha could hear were the death bells ringing an end to their relationship.

With a heavy heart Trisha answered everything her solicitor had to ask over the thirty minutes he probed into her and Nikki's life. The easy part was over and the worst was about to come in the shape of Claire Walker whom she could already see had a glint of fight in her eyes.

Claire stood slowly without speaking and approached the bench with deliberate delay - an act of intimidation she had learnt early on in her career. Already she could see Trisha squirming apprehensively and she knew she had the upper hand.

"Miss Harris, could you please repeat how long Miss Wade and yourself have been together?"

"Erm… nine years now. Ten in April." Trish faltered slightly.

"How would you describe your relationship with the defendant?" Claire said looking directly into Trisha's eye.

Trish could feel her cheeks begin to redden and she knew the next words she spoke would have to be a very convincing lie.

"Miss Wade and I love each other… we are very happy together… always have been and always will be. She is my best friend." Trisha said without blinking and returned the stare. At least some of what she said was true, if just slightly out of context.

Claire kept eye contact, but finally had to look away. She walked around to the other side of the stand before speaking again.

"Your answers sound far too generic, Miss Harris. Most relationships have their weak moments. I am sure yours is no different." Claire paused to check Trisha's reaction.  
"Are you trying to tell me, Miss Harris, that your relationship is as happy and stable as it was nine years ago?" Claire stared intensely at Trisha and had a hard time stopping herself from smirking as she noticed Trisha quickly casting a nervous glance at Nikki, who looked just as agitated.

"Nikki and I have always been close. We've always resolved our problems amicably." Trisha answered a little too quickly.

"Amicably? That surprises me considering, from what I can muster from time spent observing her, that Miss Wade is prone to acts of aggression. Living with someone that hostile must be rather difficult?" She left the rhetorical question to hang in the air as she continued. She smiled inwardly know Nicola Wade would be behind her proving her point to judge and she wasn't wrong.

"So no major relationship problems that you are willing to admit to today. No breakups, no aggression...no cheating..." The last word lingered on Claire's tongue as she locked eyes with Trisha who shook her head uncertainly. An unspoken moment passed between the two women. One that did not go amiss by any one looking hard enough.

"No" Trisha whispered and to that Claire lifted an eyebrow and gave a slight nod of her head. She turned on her heel. "That will be all..." She would leave Trisha to stew for a little while longer. Trisha knew she was lying. Claire knew she was lying. And hopefully after that, Judge Sullivan would be shrewd enough to see through her transparency, too.

Claire sat back down next to Helen. She had asked all she wanted to ask for the time being, for there would be plenty more time during the trial to catch Trisha off guard. Claire had an ace up her sleeve and for the moment that's where it was staying.

Two long hours passed by in what seemed like an instant. Helen felt like she had been in the room a mere ten minutes when already Lord Sullivan had called for a lunch recess.

She was thankful for the break. Her legs and back were aching from sitting in the hard wooden seat and her mind was overflowing with information that she had yet to digest. She needed a strong coffee to get through the rest of the day, so she left Claire and Marion behind in the waiting room and followed the signs for the café that was placed in the basement of the Royal Courts of Justice.

The building was like a maze and it felt like she had walked the length of London by the time she got downstairs to get the much needed caffeine her body desired.

But as she got inside and lifted a tray a familiar figure amongst the crowd caught her eye.

Nikki Wade was sitting by herself at a small round table playing with the food that sat in front of her. She looked like she was deep in contemplation and didn't want to be disturbed, but Helen felt the need to go over there and try to set aside the difference she's had with Nikki for the sake of her daughter. So with trepidation she made her way over.

"Nikki, about Saturday…" Helen reluctantly approached the table Nikki was seated at alone and, as she had expected, got a negative response to what was initially meant to be a truce.

"No, Helen, leave it." Nikki threw down her fork and pushed her plate away from her. The sight of Helen Stewart made her lose her appetite. She didn't want to see her or speak to her - in fact she would have been happy if the small Scot disappeared off the face of the earth.

"You can't use my daughter against me Nikki…this is our fight, not Ellidah's." Helen said meekly, trying to avoid a fight. Her lengthy career in the prison service had taught her that shouting at someone usually didn't get you very far, and it was best to keep people on side - but Nikki Wade was one tough cookie to crack and she was slowly loosing patience.

"And Ellidah had a choice?" Nikki threw the rhetorical question at Helen, catching her off guard. "By law I am her legal guardian and I say what's in her best interests, and as far as I can see, that's not you." Nikki's tone was venomous.

"I don't want this to get nasty…it was never my intention to hurt you when is set out to get my daughter back." Helen looked sincerely at her, but Nikki wasn't buying it.

"Well it does bloody hurt! Have you any idea what it's like to have someone try and take your daughter away from you without consultation or consideration!" Nikki rose to her feet and banged the table with her fists - her face so close to Helen's that she could see every intricate detail of it.

"Yes I do!" Helen mirrored Nikki's angry action. She ignored the pain in her knuckles and got her face as close to Nikki's as she could. "And there is not a day that goes past when I don't wish I had fought harder for her." Tears sprung to Helen's eyes but she held them back as best she could. The memories were too painful; memories she knew at some point would all come spilling out; but they would be better left for the court room.

Nikki faltered for a split second, lost in the moist green eyes that were pleading for her to understand. She had almost felt Helen's pain and had to push away the sentiment she suddenly felt expand her heart. She pulled herself away and let go of the vice like grip she had on the table's edge.

"Well, Helen, I will be damned if I live my life with the same regret. I will fight as hard as it takes to keep that little girl…unlike you. Ellidah deserves a proper mother, one who won't walk away and desert her without a seconds thought. If you want to play happy families I suggest you go and get pregnant again, for it will be over my dead body that you take Ellidah." Nikki didn't bother to check Helen's reaction as she stormed off back to the courts, but if she had, she would have seen a very broken woman. 


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Claire stood a few feet away watching the argument between the two women play out and she felt utterly helpless to intervene. She couldn't hear a word that was said, but Nikki's hand gestures and contorted features spoke a thousand words. Her heart bled for her friend, whose doe-eyed gaze read of defeat. Helen hadn't said much lately, but her friend knew how badly this situation and constant brow-beating from Nikki Wade was affecting her.

Seeing Nikki leave in a hurry, Claire advanced on Helen's table. As she placed the tray of food down, Helen's teary eyes shot up, most likely, Claire assumed, in fear that the raven-haired whirlwind had spun back in her direction. The relief was evident when she saw who it was.

"I'm done with this farce. Nicola Wade is right, I don't deserve Ellidah."

"Oh Jesus, Helen, not this old chestnut again...please. I don't know what Ms Wade just said to you, but whatever it was, get it out of your head, right this minute. She's trying to intimidate you...and a good job she's making of it, too, it seems." Claire reached out her hand to stroke Helen's. "You deserve Ellidah as much as anyone and if we can just see this trial through and get to your side of the story, everyone in that damn courtroom will see how much Ellidah belongs at home with you."

"You reckon?" Helen asked timidly. She wasn't so sure.

"Yes! Come on, pull yourself together. I saw Karen in the lobby just now. I think she's keen on you." The lawyer offered a playful wink.

"Don't be daft, Claire. She's as straight as they come, and so am I, in case you had forgotten." Helen raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, really? What about the night at my 21st birthday party? You know, the night with the bottle of Saki and the "question's".

"Question...singular. I asked you what it was like to kiss a woman. Hardly makes me a card carrying lesbian, Claire." Helen's jaw locked. Quite the opposite gesture for which Claire was trying to achieve.

"It wasn't what you said...it was how you said it..." Claire mocked, flashing a flirtatious pout her way but Helen wasn't seeing the funny side. "Lighten up, I'm just teasing you. Karen was with a man, anyway." Giving in at her attempt to brighten Helen's mood, Claire sat back and picked up her sandwich.

"A man? Do you know who?" Helen tensed, her brow furrowed.

"I didn't recognise him. Over six feet, darkish hair, handsome, if you like that kind of thing, well-dressed..." She shrugged. She had no idea who he was, but Helen certainly did, and her stomach lurched.

It was Friday afternoon courtroom 11. Lawyers argued amongst themselves and Helen and Nikki sent surreptitious glances back and forth at each other. Except now Helen had someone else to keep her eye on.

At the back of the room in the gallery, Karen Betts sat side by side with Thomas Waugh. They had been here every day that week, listening to every bit of her aired dirty laundry. She desperately wanted to stand and scream for him to leave. She did not want him to hear a single word of her past as she had no intention of him being in her future. Yet she couldn't bring herself to do it.

She was so far gone in her thoughts that when the slamming of the gavel rung out, she jumped in fright. Everyone around her was standing to gather themselves but it took her far longer to compose herself.

"What happened?" She docilely asked Claire.

"We are done for the day and we are adjourned for a week. Haven't you been listening?" Claire turned to Helen but she wasn't paying attention. She looked directly where Helen was starring and rolled her eyes.

"I take it that's the dashing Doctor?"

"Mmm..." Helen drawled without taking her eyes from his direction. "He doesn't look happy, Claire."

"He looks fine to me." Claire bundled up her papers and put them back in her black leather briefcase.

"That's because you don't know him. Shit, he's coming over here." Helen now turned looking for an exit but she knew there wasn't one. She had managed to avoid him all week but now it seemed she would have to confront him.

"Right, Hel, i'm going to leave you to it. You want me to hang around outside and wait on you? Helen shook her head and tried to control her breathing. "I'll see you tonight at your place. 7:30?" Helen nodded. "Good luck." As Claire turned she almost bumped into Thomas. She smiled, uttered a quiet apology and kept walking.

"Thomas...what brings you here?" Helen tried desperately to smile to mask her fear but her quavering voice gave the game away.

"She's mine...isn't she." Helen's eyes widened and she felt an involuntary gasp leave her mouth. That was all Thomas needed as an acknowledgement. "I should have know. You told me her age in the pub that night. I should have put two and two together at that point. Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?" Helen needn't have feared an angry reprisal from her Ex. He seemed to be rather calm. His sad eyes drooped in her direction. "I'm guessing I was gone with Katherine?" Helen nodded and he bundled her into a hug. "I'm so sorry." He felt Helen sob painfully against his chest and he barely made out her mumble of "Don't hate me."

"Helen, we have both made mistakes. Neither of us are Saints in this matter. I wasn't there when you needed me. God, how I wish I had been."

Helen pulled back and sniffed back more tears. "But I still could have contacted you..."

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda, Helen. Let's leave the past where it belongs and start a fresh." he grabbed her shaking hands and held them tight. She gave him a confused stare. "Out of all my mistakes, leaving you was my biggest. Let's pick up from where we left off, Helen. Let's fight for Ellidah together. With both of her birth parents in a relationship, the judge is bound to act in your...our favour of custody. What do you say Helen...it'll just be like old times." Thomas looked almost excited. Too excited to notice how absolutely dejected the woman in front of him appeared.

She held his desperate gaze whilst her brain calculated all that he had just said. She was too emotionally crippled to fight this.

"Okay..." Was all she could muster, because if she said another word she would cry and never stop.

Sitting opposite the court, a little old Tudor pub sat sandwiched between two ultra-modern glass buildings that looked like they were stopping it from collapsing in a heap on the ground. But it's age seemed to be no deterrent to its patrons. It was 5pm on a Friday evening and that meant only one thing. The City Of London task force was out to get pissed and this place was packed to the gunnel's with professionals in suits ready to drink their cares and their weekend away.

Nikki, Trisha and Yvonne eagerly joined them as they fought for a table inside, one with close proximity to the bar. A right royal piss-up was on the cards.

"Quaint." Nikki took in her surroundings. There were fading Victorian portraits on the wall, sawdust littered the wood floors just like it would have done centuries early and a musty smell lingered in the air that screamed of antiquity. "I like it. It's like stepping back in time."

"Yeah, well, this beer tastes like shit." Yvonne, never one to mince her words put her pint glass back on the table and pulled a repulsed expression that seemed to amuse her friends. "What you pair of cows bleedin' laughing at?"

"Didn't stop you drinking three quarters of it before you came to that conclusion, though, did it?" Nikki smirked, nodding at the nearly empty glass.

"I was thirsty." Yvonne joined in on their smiles.

"Greedy more like," Trisha added. She was feeling playful and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she could enjoy being in her ex partners company. It was nice to see Nikki without the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"It's maybe a blessing it tastes like shite. Then I won't be tempted to drown my sorrows at the bottom a beer barrel." Nikki grinned forlornly. "I need to get back to Ellidah, anyway. The two Julies have her, which means I will be returning to utter chaos."

"The last time they had her we had to get new carpets put down in the lounge." Trisha recalled a time when her and Nikki had still been a couple and she couldn't help but feel tragically nostalgic about it. It really was true – sometimes you didn't know how good you had things until you lost it.

"Still not got any dirt for me, Von?" Nikki turned to her friend who was back to tackling her drink.

"'fraid not, love. Helen Stewart is as clean as a whistle. Mother's deceased, Father's a Church of Scotland Minister. No brother's, no sisters, no partner, no skeleton's in her closet. She's practically Mother bloody Theresa."

"Typical," Nikki said a little too venomously.

"You're just going to have to fight fair, Nik."

"Are you sure there's nothing?" Nikki pleaded.

"You want me to make something up? Okay, she spent three years heading up a band of Shi-ite rebels in the middle east but she gave it all up to take a job waitressing at Hooters. For fuck sake, Nikki. There's nothing. Nada. Neit!"

Pissed off now, Nikki rose with fiery passion. "Yeah, well your sources are crap. I'll find something on the bitch if it kills me." Both women watched her storm off through the crowds, neither knowing what would come next. But the night was still young to worry about it.

Not sure whether to follow or not Trisha watched Yvonne calmly slurp the frothy remnants from her glass. "Another one for the road?" Trisha looked back to the crowd but Nikki was nowhere to be seen.

"Yeah...a bevvy load."

"Here's to another successful week." Claire chinked her wine glass with her friends and took a sip of the musky Chardonnay inside it. Friday was more commonly known in the Walker household as let your hair down night. It had been a long time since either herself or Helen had done so.

"Successful? You really think so?" Helen was unsure that was the case.

"Well, I managed to get under the skin of Trisha Harris. That for me is success enough!"

"Claire, please don't be too hard on Trish if you have to question her again. She's lovely...really lovely in fact. I don't know how i'd be coping with visitation if it wasn't for her."

"Pfft..." Claire made the exaggerated vocalization of contempt and it confused Helen.

"What? Why such derision towards someone you don't even know?" Claire shrugged. "Don't think you have to dislike her on my behalf." Helen smiled believing her friend to be valiant but when Claire didn't speak she realised there was more too it.

"Want to talk about it?" Helen asked as she poured more wine into their glasses. She had a feeling they would be needing it.

"I shouln't." Claire shook her head and sat silently for a moment with Helen watching her. "You'd think i'd be over it." She snorted leaving Helen still none the wiser.

"Over what?" The silence was deafening but Helen could see the cogs ticking in her best friends head. Claire was lost in contemplation.

"Trish..." Claire finally turned her head to meet Helen's stunned eyes. "Trish and I slept together once about a two ago. And I shouldn't be telling you because it puts your entire appeal in jeopardy if it becomes public knowledge. I've been using it in court to try and rattle her cage...but I think the only person i've rattled is myself." Helen didn't know what was an appropriate response to such a confession. She should be furious, but...her thoughts drifted.

"Poor Nikki..." Her own words caught her off guard. She hadn't meant to say them aloud yet the name burned on her lips.

Claire laughed, bemused. "Is there something _you_ want to tell _me_?" She lifted her eyebrow in question, not expecting the answer she received.

"Mmm." She took a sip of her wine. "Thomas and I are back together." The robotic way the sentence was delivered concerned Claire. There was no feeling behind it. There was no smile of joy, no rekindled relationship enthusiasm.

"So that's why he was hanging around the court room all week like a lost boy. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I could ask you the same question! Of all the people in the world to have a quickie with and you chose Trisha bloody Harris..." Helen's method of deflection wasn't lost on Claire who let it slide. Helen would talk when she wanted to. For now it was her turn to be offering explanations.

"I didn't choose her, she chose me and it was long before you dropped a bombshell of your own, if you remember." Taking a deep breath before things got heated she continued, this time a little more calmly. "We met a dinner party of a mutual friend, Caroline Lewis. We hit it off right away. A few drinks, a few laughs..well, it led to a few other things." She blushed. "We had this odd connection. Or so I thought." She rolled her eyes at her own naivety. "Perhaps it was because I was a stranger, or maybe she trusted me, but she told me things that night that I suspect she's never told anyone else. Which means I am privy to information that could help you..." Claire could see from Helen's face she was about to wholeheartedly object but she didn't give her the chance. "But I won't." She ended and Helen looked at peace.

"Good. Thank you."

"Despite the fact she dropped me like a hot potato, I do agree with you. Trish doesn't deserve to be hurt. None of us do" Helen could see that to Claire this was more than a one night stand but she didn't pick at the wound. "So now i've spilled my guts, any chance of you doing the same?"

"What about?" Helen knew exactly what Claire was hinting at. "Thomas? There's not much to say to be fair."

"No? It's all a bit sudden, surely? Last week you wanted nothing to do with the man and now? What's changed?" As Claire threw out her questions like the consummate lawyer she was, Helen stood and walked to the kitchen. "Don't run away from me, Helen." Claire placed her glass down and followed closely behind.

Helen stood by her refrigerator looking engrossed in something on her mobile phone. Claire, peering over her shoulder could see it was a picture of a small child wearing a dress.

"It's Ellidah last week at her party." Helen offered and Claire nodded.

"She's beautiful. She's your spitting image, you know."

"She doesn't look a bit like Thom." Helen looked for something in her face that resembled his but there was nothing. "He wanted to come with me tomorrow to see her." Claire's eyes widened. She didn't think think that was a very good idea. But then, neither did Helen. "I told him no and he wasn't best pleased."

"Good. Both for telling him no and for standing your ground. Too many men have been dictating your life of late."

Helen laughed mirthlessly. "If only I had had the strength to say no to his pleas of us being a couple again." Claire was puzzled at what Helen was getting at.

"So why didn't you? You must have had good reason to say yes?"

"He said we...i, would have a better chance of getting Ellidah back if both her birth parents were still together." She shrugged not taking her eyes from the picture on her phone.

"Oh, Helen...that's not necessarily true." Claire slid her arms around her friends waist and pulled her back into a hug. "You need to think seriously about what the consequences of this charade will be. If you don't feel even remotely attached to Thomas, you have to put an end to all of this now. You already have first hand experience of how deceit and lies get you into trouble."

Claire couldn't hear Helen make a sound, but from the wet droplets hitting her hands, she could tell her friend was in tears.

"Stop listening to this..." Claire gently tapped on Helen's head then slid it down to the middle of her chest. "and start listening to this. Follow your heart, Helen. Always follow your heart."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

The morning air had a wonderful spring freshness about it. Helen took a deep inhalation of it as she stepped from the car. It was that wonderful transitional period between spring and summer that induced an emotion that was almost special. What made it even more special was the fact it was Saturday and she would be getting to see her precious daughter for the second time and away from hoards of the prying eyes of party guests.

As a second car drew up beside her own, she felt her heart beat a little faster in her chest and she was aware she had held her breath for longer than normal.

"Ellidah!" With the help of Trisha the little girl exited the car and childishly skipped towards Helen who bundled her up in her arms. She closed over her eyes buried her nose in the child's sweet smelling hair. She wanted to remember ever little detail.

Trisha watched the beautiful scene before her and she could not help but match Helen's grin. It warmed her heart to witness such a strong connection between the two of them already.

It took Helen a moment to realise she was being observed by the blonde.

"Sorry..." Trisha shook her head to say there was no need to be.

"Take your time we have all afternoon."

Sensing Ellidah restless in her arms, Helen placed her down and took her hand. Trisha reached over and took the other as all three made their way to the park.

"No Nicola?" Helen asked, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence that had befallen them.

"Mmm...I wonder what made you notice she was missing." Both women laughed and it seemed to clear the air. "No Nikki and I am sure you are devastated." Trisha's smile was contagious yet Helen did feel somewhat disappointed that Nikki had chosen to be MIA. She had hoped a day alone with the capricious, raven-haired woman would change the horrible dynamic that hung over them. But it wasn't to be.

The afternoon progressed without drama. Ellidah monopolised all their time in the playground where she went wild with childish abandon, watched on by her two guardians from a bench by the swings.

"Here...i've given Ellidah hers and I got you one, too, with an extra flake, because there's just not enough calories in ice cream alone." Trisha jibbed but Helen looked serious.

"I didn't put arsenic in it, if that's what you're worried about." They laughed and Helen finally gratefully accepted the cone.

"Trisha, I like you, but i'm afraid to let my guard down with you. I just can't help the feeling that your lawyer has you and Nicola playing good cop, bad cop to get under my skin."

"Jonathan's not that good a lawyer," Trisha joked in seriousness and wished she hadn't when it hit her who she was talking too. She would have to be careful how loose lipped she became in Helen's company.

"What I mean is..." She backtracked.

"Please, don't explain, this whole situation is shit enough without extra ammunition." There was so much Helen wanted to add but the conversation was n entering risky territory. "You better lick your cone, you're dribbling..." Helen lightened the mood.

"It's the only thing I'll be licking for a while." The moment the words left her mouth, Trisha inwardly berated herself. Helen would surely take it in good humour but somehow she felt like she had let the cat out of the bag. "Sorry, that was crass." She tried to cover her embarrassment and Helen smiled politely at her. Both silently welcomed the shrill ringtone from Trisha's handbag.

"Is everything okay?" Helen could see Trisha looked pole-axed as she hung up on her call.

"Helen, can you please make sure Ellidah get's home to Nikki? I have to go see to a friend."

"Oh Trisha, I don't know if that's a very good idea. Nikki will blow her top."

"Please, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't urgent." Trisha really didn't give Helen much choice in the matter. Before she had her answer she was up and running for her car.

"Thanks, Helen...i owe you one."

Helen pulled her car up on the street despite their being ample space in the driveway. She did not want to attract Nikki's attention until she had composed herself and had enough time to think of what she wanted to say. Every single time she had been in the other woman's presence, somehow she was rendered speechless and most definitely not through choice. Nicola Wade was a one-woman rant-athon.

She busied herself removing Ellidah from her car seat, which was much harder than it looked. How something so simple could be so difficult she couldn't understand. As she battled with it she felt incompetent. Even Ellidah laughing at her didn't make her feel much better about herself. This was her first solo attempt at being a parent and the uncertainty of it all was eating away at her self-confidence.

"Mummy should have taken a degree in engineering," she smiled back at her daughter as she finally extracted her from the back seat of the vehicle. _Or maybe it's parenting classes I need. _She though silently as she crept towards the front door. As she walked through the open iron gates and up the gravel driveway, she surveyed the house and its surroundings. It was a magnificent redbrick building with beautiful white Doric columns surrounding the doorway, above which was a Juliet balcony. Through the bay window to her right she could see a sitting room that was majestically decorated in a style that would have been suited to an English country house. To Helen's eyes it looked like 5000sq ft of architectural heaven and she hadn't even been inside yet.

Reaching up the press the doorbell, she set Ellidah down in front of her on the doorstep. Unconsciously she stroked the child's golden hair by way of comfort as she awaited Nikki's appearance. Her hands shook just enough for her notice her trepidation had extended from the pitt of her stomach to her nervous system. The raven-haired Londoner had certainly made an impact on her, but she wasn't sure if it was a positive or negative one.

From the silence Helen could hear the unmistakable approach of heeled boots on a hardwood floor. In mere seconds a whirlwind blew through. She felt her body tense as the door swung open. Almond brown eyes locked with hers for a solitary moment and before Helen knew it the door was slammed back in her face. The shock that reverberated around her body was short lived as she heard the unmistakable cry of her daughter. As she looked down she realised the solid wooden door had caught the little girl in its assault.

Her trepidation was fast replaced by anger and this time ignoring the bell she banged her fist heavily on the door, stopping only to scoop her daughter up into her arms for a cuddle. Ellidah's initial tears were now a full blown histrionic fit of snot and screams.

Nikki stood quietly in the hallway seething at the audacity of Helen bloody Stewart. Not content with goading her in court, she wanted to rub more salt in the wounds at her home. She had no intention to answer immediately but when she did the woman was going to be sent to Coventry with a few expletives thrown in for good measure. That was until she heard the sobs of Ellidah. She almost pulled the door from its hinges.

"What the hell..." Seeing her daughter screaming in Helen's arms alarmed Nikki.

"She was standing on the doorstep and you battered her square in the face with the door..." Helen kept her voice quiet and even tempered but there was no doubt from her tone that she was pissed off. Nikki could abuse her all she wanted but no way would her child be in the firing line.

"I didn't see her..." Nikki looked genuinely sorry. Helen could see the tears prick at the corners of her eyes.

"No, you were too busy trying to hurt me to see the damage you would do Ellidah." Helen's words were both literal and metaphorical and Nikki took note. "Anyway, she's fine. She got more of a fright than anything." Helen checked the little one's face but it didn't look like there was significant damage done.

Nikki tried to bend down to take the girl gently from Helen's arms but she was far too inconsolable to be moved.

"Can I come in until she settles?" Nikki nodded vigorously and stepped aside to let them both enter.

Nikki closed the door over but before either woman had a chance to speak and break the ice, a noise akin to something straight from a horror movie left the child's trembling mouth and what followed could only be described as projectile. Ellidah didn't stop for a breath as she continued her loud sobs.

This time Nikki prised her away from Helen, regardless of the teary protest.

"She's just tired and I expect she's had a mountain of crap to eat at the park."

"All she's had is Ice-cream," Helen spat defensively feeling hurt at the suggestion she was to blame.

"Yeah and now it's making a lovely pattern on your top," Helen looked down at herself.

"Shit..." She tried to pry her blazer jacket from her shoulders without it touching the regurgitated dairy snack.

"Give me fifteen minutes," Hearing Ellidah's whimpers subside, Nikki took it as a sign that an early night was on the cards for little Miss Wade. "I'm just going to put her to bed." Helen nodded that that was a good idea.

For the first time, the mood between the pair seemed to be neutral. How long it would last, Helen wasn't sure but she was grateful that for the moment all was well.

She stood where she was for a moment but feeling like a spare wheel, and one covered in vomit for that matter, Helen sought out the kitchen. Thankfully she didn't have to search far as it was right at the end of the hallway.

The room was a contradiction to the rest of the house. Ultra-modern white gloss cupboards, black marble worktops, led lights around the floor and a double aga cooker.

Helen made a beeline for the sink and felt rather self-conscious in her surroundings as she peeled her top carefully over her head. Standing semi-nude in Nicola Wades kitchen was not how she had planned to spend her evening, but under the circumstances, what choice did she have? She could hardly drive the Thirty miles home in that grubby state.

Nikki gently stripped her daughter of her dress and placed her into her new Bambi pyjamas that Yvonne had bought her as part of her birthday gift. She looked adorable in her peaceful, angelic state of sleep. A far cry to how she had been only minutes before.

With a quick kiss to her head, Nikki tucked Ellidah's favourite bunny bear under the duvet and gave her daughter a last glance to make sure she was content.

Turning off the bedroom light, she crept from the room and out of habit, tip-toed down the hallway to be as silent as possible. She had almost forgotten about Helen until a very naked back greeted her in the kitchen. It had been a very long time since a beautiful woman stood nude in her kitchen.

Retracing her footsteps she made her way to her own bedroom and in to the walk in wardrobe where she grabbed a fresh towelling housecoat she kept for guests.

Helen was in her own wee world scrubbing furiously at her top with Fairy liquid when she heard her name called. She turned automatically, forgetting her state of undress.

Nikki caught a hint of cleavage as she snapped her head away.

Here, put this on." Without looking, Nikki held her arm out and Helen generously accepted and slipped on the robe.

"Thank you, it was getting cold."

Nikki didn't acknowledge nor answer. Instead she strolled past her, picked up Helen's top and placed it in the empty washing machine.

"There's no need, really." Helen interjected.

"There's every need. Can't have you running to the judge on Monday morning telling him tales of my mistreating you." Nikki's tone was flat and Helen had no way of telling if the woman was joking or deadly serious. To save an argument, she wisely kept her mouth shut.

"Was Ellidah okay?" Helen asked to break the tension, although she choose a risky subject.

"Fine." Was all Nikki offered as an answer and Helen nodded, willing at this stage to take any word from Nikki that wasn't one offered in aggression.

"Good." She wrung her hands awkwardly and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear; a habit she had had since childhood to ward off social discomfort.

The silence that enveloped them was so oppressive that Helen was sure she could feel it strangle her. It had been fifteen minutes since anyone spoke and from the look of Nikki, she wouldn't be up for a chat any time in the near future.

Helen watched Nikki lift her cigarettes and lighter and retreat in to the garden through the glass conservatory. She didn't know if it would be wise to follow behind or stay put where she was. Her head told her to remain but her legs dared to defy her.

The day had started warmly, but as the sun began to set over London, it brought with it a chilled spring breeze. The cold air danced across the triangle of skin at Helen's neck which the robe exposed. She shivered and wrapped her around herself to retain the warmth she had built up in the house.

"Nicola?"

"Nikki..." she said a little too abruptly as she blew out a stream of smoke.

"Nikki..." Helen repeated and stopped short of her question as the other woman refused to look her way. She looked deep in contemplation.

"Why did you bring Ellidah home? Where was Trisha?" Finally Nikki met her eyes and Helen wished she hadn't. Something about Nicola Wade's eyes disconcerted her.

"She had a phone call before we left, it sounded rather urgent. She seemed quite upset, actually." Helen was surprised to see Nikki scowl at that news, mirthlessly humoured by it. She barely made out Nikki's whisper of "Bet she was..."

"I'm sorry, have I said something I shouldn't have?" Helen was worried she had got Trisha into trouble with her partner.

Nikki stabbed out her cigarette violently on the wall she was sitting on, stood herself up and stormed back in to the house. Helen felt like she was on a roller-coaster that she was not able to keep up with.

"Nikki?" She tried again only to be cut off.

"Your tops done. I'm putting it in the dryer for thirty minutes. That should be enough, then you can leave." She slammed the appliance door shut, set the temperature and made for the fridge were she helped herself to a bottle of San Miguel.

"You want one?" Helen shook her head.

"No thanks, i've got the car outside and i've never been able to have just the one. I guess i'm a true Scot." Nikki didn't smile but Helen knew from the softening of her face that her mood was changing.

"Let's go sit in the living room, it's warmer." Nikki noticed Helen shiver slightly by the open door of the conservatory.

"Wow, that's a hell of a library you and Trisha have." Helen keenly eyed the rows upon rows of book shelves around the sitting room.

"They're mine." Nikki added refraining the want to add that all Trisha could manage to read were glossy magazines.

"Where do you get the time to read. I'm lucky if I can sneak a peak at a newspaper." Nikki sat down at one side of the sofa and from the corner of her eye watched Helen pick out, skim through and place back several hardbacks. "I used to love immersing myself in a good story to pass the time but lately..." Helen looked at Nikki like she was about to say too much. "...I've been too busy living my own." Nikki nodded in agreement for she knew exactly how Helen felt. There had been no time of late to indulge in any enjoyment.

"So..." Helen finally placed herself down on the sofa next to Nikki. "Do you think you you'll ever be able to talk to me?" Nikki's silence had given Helen a newfound bravery to try and get the woman to communicate with her without it resulting in an argument.

"What about exactly? We have nothing in common."

"Books...Ellidah..." Helen shrugged.

"I don't want to talk about either." Nikki took a long swig of her beer.

Not one to let things drop, Helen tried a different tack.

"We had a fabulous time in Richmond park today. I think Trisha and I had more fun on the swings than Ellidah did." Helen saw Nikki flinch slightly but carried on, assuming it was the talk of her daughter that was touching a raw nerve. "Trisha is really sweet."

"Fancy her do you?" Nikki finally snapped. "Something going on I should know about?"

"What? Where did that come from? Nikki, you're mad...all I said was she's sweet. That hardly means i'm sleeping with her." Helen was shocked at the sudden accusation. It was the last thing she had expected. "Anyway, I am very much straight."

"Yeah, yeah...you all say that. Women are like spaghetti, only straight until you get them hot and wet!" Nikki's tone was venomous as she leaned in closer to Helen, their eyes locked. Nikki noted how Helen looked scared, though of what she wasn't sure.

"You should try it sometime...you don't know what you're missing." Nikki drawled.

Helen could smell the beer on her breath and wondered just how many Nikki had had before the one she was drinking now to make her talk like this.

Their eye's remained engaged in a silent exchange until a familiar beeping broke their reverie.

Nikki pulled back immediately and downed the rest of her beer in one gulp.

"Your tops ready. Don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out."


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One**

Lazy Sunday's in the Stewart household were normally all about lying in bed until midday, more often than not nursing a hangover and shunning the outside world in favour of hermitic solitude. But this Sunday was different for Helen. She had been awake before the birds, unable to sleep for the thoughts clouding her head. She did have her usual sore head, but today it was not induced by alcohol, its presence was all thanks to Nikki Wade.

Helen nursed a black coffee on her couch as she replayed how the night before had ended.

As directed to so forcefully, Helen had retrieved her top from the washer-dryer and hastily pulled it back over her body. Nikki stood watching from the door but didn't speak nor flinch as Helen thrust the housecoat she had been wearing into her hands.

Nikki didn't know if it was the fresh air blowing in from the open conservatory door or the subtle sadness she saw in Helen's eyes that sobered her up, but she was starting to feel downright guilty for the way she had spoken to the woman. Helen had made the best effort to be cordial and in return all Nikki had been was her usual truculent self.

"Helen, what I said just now...i was out of order and I am sorry. You didn't deserve for me to speak to you like that. I know there's no love lost between us, but I was rude and it was uncalled for." Nikki had to good grace to appear ashamed as she carried on. "One too many of these..." she shook the empty beer bottle in her hand.

Helen nodded in understanding. She couldn't really be judgemental of the woman when she often turned to the bottle herself when times were troubling her. Vodka had been the best friend that had seen her through many a crisis...especially the last few months.

"Apology accepted; thank you." The two women offered each other a small smile. "You know Nikki, if it hadn't been for the circumstances that brought us together, I think we could have friends."

"I can be civil, Helen but i'm afraid that's were my generosity ends." Nikki answered a little too quickly and Helen again found herself having to be the voice of reason.

"I never asked you for anything more than that...it was just an observation."

"Good." Nikki seemed appeased and Helen decided it best to end the conversation right there whilst on a high note. She could foresee the topic veering off on to a rocky road again and she had had far too many bumpy journeys with Ms Wade already.

"Goodnight, Nikki. I'll see you and Ellidah again on Saturday." Helen opened the front door but turned when she felt the warmth of Nikki's hand on her arm.

"It's the Easter holiday next week. Ellidah isn't at nursery...I am off work, and we don't have court, so..." Helen waited in anticipation for Nikki to stop shuffling her feet awkwardly and finish her sentence. "Look, what i'm trying to say is, if you're free during the week, i'd like it if you'd join us on a day out. I had a few things planned to keep little miss ants-in-her-pants entertained and you're welcome to come along." The toothy smile emblazoned on Helen's face took Nikki by surprise as she glanced up from her feet to check for a reaction. The smile was captivating, perhaps a little too much. Nikki coughed and hoped Helen hadn't picked up that she was flustered.

She needn't have worried. Helen was too excited to notice anything. This was a massive white flag that Nikki was waving and it made her heart sing.

"You've no idea how much I would love that. Get my number from Trisha and text me. I'm free when ever you are. Bye, Nikki."

"Yeah...bye, Helen." Nikki watched Helen skip down the drive and out the gate to her car. When the coast was clear she put her head against the door.

"Shit." She gave the wall a kick and ran her hand tersely through her hair. "What the hell am I doing?"

~*~

Helen took the remains of the cold, bitter-tasting coffee she hadn't drank and poured it down the sink. She remained there for a while, looking out into the garden that Sean had once kept so immaculate but which was now dwindling in the after effects of winter. She wondered if, rather ironically, the garden was a metaphor for her life.

The familiar jingle of her mobile ringtone caught her off guard and dragged her back to reality.

Thinking it was Nikki calling to arrange their mid-week play-date she sprang to the table to answer, but felt bitter disappointment when she saw Thomas's name on the caller display.

"Hi, Thomas," She answered meekly. "Today? Em, no, nothing planned." She inwardly cursed herself for not being able to forge a lie a quickly enough. "Dinner would be nice," This time she was able to lie quicker. "Eight? Yeah, that's fine. No, don't pick me up, i'll get a taxi. Yes, i'm sure. See you then." She set the phone down forlornly and looked at her watch. She had several hours in which to find the enthusiasm for a date with Thomas and the bollocks to make sure it was their last.

"Helen, you look wonderful." Thomas did the gentlemanly thing and rose from his chair to greet his girlfriend. Helens returned smile was an offer of gratitude for the remark. She wasn't so sure she did look wonderful. It had been so long since she had taken the time to make herself look "going-out" presentable that she doubted herself when she looked in the mirror. All she could see these days were the black puffy rings under her eyes were laughter lines once had a home.

"I took the liberty of ordering you a red wine. You said you were getting a cab..." Thomas pointed to the glass nervously.

"I did and thank you." Helen lowered her eyes to the menu but couldn't concentrate on what was written there for the intensity of Thomas's stare. She lifted her eyes to meet his.

"Have you had a good week?" He questioned trying to shift the awkwardness that hung in the air.

"Hmm.." Helen sipped her wine. "I saw Ellidah yesterday."

"And? How was she?"

"She was good." Was all the Scot offered. She didn't want to enter into a discussion about their daughter for it inevitably would take a road she wasn't comfortable with.

"When can I see her, Helen?" Thomas asked the question she most dreaded.

"I've told you before Thomas, i've spoken to Claire and Marion and both say that, in order to see Ellidah, you'd have to file your own appeal. There would be paternity testing and a whole other bunch of stuff before you even got that far." She sighed heavily. It was bad enough forging ahead with her own appeal without having to help someone else with theirs.

"I'm prepared to go through all of that." He added eagerly.

"But Thomas it's not that simple." Helen interrupted him.

"She's my goddamn child, Helen! I should be able to see her whenever I bloody choose!" Thomas's mood was growing darker and what had the potential to be a nice evening was now turning sour. Other patron's in the restaurant had stopped eating and were looking in their direction.

"Let's not do this here." Helen whispered to counteract Thomas's shouts. "People are staring."

"Let them stare!" Thomas took a swig of his beer. "What about the woman who has adopted Ellidah, what is it, Nicola Wade? Surely she would let me see her?"

"It's not one woman who has adopted her, it's women...plural. And, no, I very much doubt Nikki would let you see her. Christ, she's made my life hell thus far, and I have parental access granted by a high court judge. She'd eat you alive."

"Wait. Ellidah has been adopted by...lesbians? And you're okay with that?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be? This isn't the dark ages, Thom. Ellidah is loved and well cared for by Nikki and Trisha. There's no heterosexual couple i'd rather see her with." This seemed to appease him. He wasn't a biggot in any way shape or form but somehow the news had surprised him. "Nikki especially dotes on her. You should see them together..." Helen ended sadly. She hadn't really though about it much until now but watching Nikki with Ellidah really was like watching a Mother and a daughter. Nikki seemed to instinctively know just what Ellidah needed and when. Their bond was unbreakable.

"So, if this Nikki is such a tyrant to you, why do you heap so much praise on her? Shouldn't we be looking for flaws if we're to win this case." Helen furrowed her brow.

"Excuse me Thomas, but shouldn't it be if I win this case?"

"But we agreed, Helen. Now that we are a couple, and as her biological parents..."

"No, stop right there. I agreed for us to be a couple because what you said that day in court sounded so promising at a time when I was so low with very little hope of regaining my daughter. But I don't feel that way now. Something changed yesterday...i can't explain what...but it feels like the tide has turned and i'm sorry, Thomas, but you're not on the life-raft." Helen stood with a determination that she hadn't been in her character for such a long time. "I want to stay friends, because one day, we may have to be for the sake of Ellidah. But I can't be the Helen you met in Scotland and we can never get back what we had. I don't love you, Thomas and if i'm being honest with myself, I never really did. You hurt me back then, just like everyone else did, my Father included." Helen took a twenty pound note from her purse and sat in on the table next to what was supposed to be a romantic candelabra.

"I'm tired of being treated like crap by people." Thinking back to what Claire had recently said to her, she added. "For the first time in my life I intend to follow where ever my heart decides to take me and you know what, Thom, it feels bloody good." With a gaping grin, Helen walked alone from the restaurant feeling like a different person.

As Helen tried to flag a taxi on the busy London street with little success, she heard a familiar voice call out to her.

"Well, well, what brings Helen Stewart out in to civilization on a weekend!" Helen turned around to see an immaculate looking Claire behind her.

"You look gorgeous," Helen leant in and gave her friend a massive bear hug. "I had forgotten what you looked like out of your work suits."

"Same could be said to you! Look at you, and in a dress." Claire wolf-whistled making her friend blush. "Who are you trying to impress?"

"I was out with Thomas" Both woman's smiles faded at the mention of Ellidah's father. "But i've ended it. You were right, as always." Claire curtsied jovially. "I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and I had to end it before it went to far."

"You mean before you had sex with him."

"No, not entirely, but yes, that too."

"You need laid, lady!" Claire admonished her.

"Claire! Shush..." Helen looked towards the crowd assembled at the nearby bus stop.

"It's true. You know it, I know it...and now the people waiting for the 92 know it as well." Claire giggled. "Come out with me tonight. I'm going to the club across the street to meet up with a few friends. Helen looked doubtful but with little sign of getting a taxi and against her better judgement, she agreed.

The women dodged the traffic and giggled as they ran across the road trying not to be mowed down.

"I don't know if that is a good idea." Helen said to no one in particular as the joined the short queue of women that was moving rather quickly.

"Why, because it's a dyke club?" Claire raised her eyebrow.

"No, don't be so defensive. It's not a good idea because I am always shit company and I am pretty sure me getting pissed will only prove that."

"Not true. You are very cute when you are drunk." Claire grinned.

"Cute?" That wasn't the adjective Helen would have chosen for herself but being frisked by a butch female bouncer diverted her attention momentarily.

"Yes. You get affectionate and playful and that is highly cute. Your accent becomes thick and unintelligible and you get giggly and flash that prize winning smile at people. You're a little hottie."

"Sounds like you fancy me, Walker." Helen joked as they walked past the cloakroom towards a booth near the bar.

"Nah. Not now, but I did once. When we were at Uni." Claire winked at her, unsure at just how honest she should be.

"What?" Helen didn't know what to think. Part of her felt awkward whilst another part of her felt intrigued. "You fancied me and you're only now telling me?"

"How could I tell you back then. You had more boyfriends than Liz Taylor had husbands. You were straight, I wasn't. Why ruin a perfectly good friendship over a short-lived crush?" Helen sat down but Claire remained standing. "Wine?" Helen nodded, dumbfounded at how calm Claire seemed to be despite what she was saying. Helen watched her at the bar. Her friend was a gorgeous, confident woman. Slim and petite with strawberry-blonde hair, a brain the size of a small planet and a fiery determination to match. Yet she couldn't find a single thing she fancied about her.

As Claire returned to the table, Helen stopped staring so intently for fear her friend would misconstrue her intent, but she wasn't about to let the conversation drop.

"How long did you..." Helen blushed and laughed at her inability as an adult to ask such a trivial question.

"How long did I pray that one day you'd fancy a shag? Only about a year."

"A year? Shit, Claire, that sounds like more than a crush?"

"Nah, it was a year on and off. I'd switch between you and that hot French teacher who was coaching us for the bar exam." Trying to keep the topic light-hearted didn't seem to be working. Helen looked serious and deep in though. "Look, Helen, don't make a big deal out of it. It was ten years ago. I was a hormonally charged twenty year old who would have humped a bedpost to get my jollies. You just happened to be my incredibly sexy room mate who became the object of my desire. I've upgraded my taste since then." The last sentence earned Claire a playful slap on her arm.

"Why didn't you tell me, or try it on with me?" Helen was getting braver as the wine took hold.

"I almost did, once. The night at my 21st, when you asked me what it was like to kiss a woman. I walked away, but for a split second I was tempted to show you." Helen's face flushed and it wasn't embarrassment and it wasn't the wine.

"Well, i'm glad you didn't." Helen smiled, unsure what to say now to end the conversation. It was going too far and it was making Helen create mental images she did not want to witness, even in her own head.

"Oh I don't know, Helen, maybe you should try it sometime, you might enjoy it." Helen almost baulked at her friends choice of phrase.

"Nikki Wade said that exact same thing to me last night." Helen wished she hadn't said that aloud and silently prayed that by now Claire had put away enough wine to render her memory useless.

"Oh, did she now. Well, if Nikki is saying, too, maybe it's a sign. Wait...you were with Nikki Wade last night?" The realisation of what Helen said hit Claire.

"Long story but it's definitely not what you're thinking!" Helen threw a warning glance that said the "recruit Helen to Lesbianism" conversation was over.

"Should I get us another bottle and you can fill me in?" Claire was already up on her feet with the two empty bottles when Helen nodded. She tried to walk as collectedly as a tipsy person in heels could, but failed miserably, to which Helen had a good giggle.

The bar was mobbed and knowing Claire would be a while, Helen pulled her phone from her handbag and had an obligatory scroll through her Facebook and twitter feeds to see if there was anything of interest, but there wasn't. There wasn't a text from Nikki, either, but it had only been twenty-four hours.

She put the phone back in her bag and looked at her watch. It had been fifteen minutes and Claire wasn't anywhere to be seen. Feeling slightly concerned, Helen lifted their belongings and made her way into the crowd.

Carrying two bags and two jackets whilst being battered about by the sea of sweaty dancers, Helen manoeuvred through the crowds to the other end of the room. The sight that met her burned in her pupils.

Claire. Trisha. Kissing.

"For Christ sake, Claire!" Helen seethed and quickly turned to find the exit.

She didn't want to see it. She didn't want to be party to any information that would put a wedge between the friendship she was trying to forge with Nikki for the sake of their daughter. This turn of events could ruin everything for everyone if it got out.

The dance floor was fit to burst as Helen waded through it, dodging the flailing arms and legs of hundreds of overzealous, drunken lesbians. She kept her head down to avoid an elbow in the eye, but as she neared the door she felt her body connect with another.

"Sorry," Her head flew up to apologise to the person for her clumsiness. "Nikki?" Helen looked dumbfounded and dropped Claire's jacket on the floor, which Nikki picked up and handed back to her.

"After last night, I thought I could trust you, but you come here to spy on me? Hoping I wouldn't see you amongst the crowds, eh?" Nikki's face was contorted in a rage that Helen was used to from her but she had no idea what the woman was on about.

"What? You've lost me Nikki. Spy on you? Why would I do that?" Helen's brow creased in confusion.

"Don't play games with me. Trisha and I own this place and your little sidekick, Claire Walker knows that."

"Claire never said."

"Sure she didn't" Nikki scoffed. "I bet she conveniently forgot to mention their affair, too." Helen's eyes shot up at the mention of the affair. "Ah, so she told you about that." Helen's panicked look gave the game away that she was privy to the knowledge. "Did you know they are back there playing tonsil-hockey right now?" Helen nodded sadly. Nikki was hurting so badly and she understood exactly what that felt like. "So now you can run back to the QC next Monday and tell them the dykes are over. Patricia and Nicola. R.I.P. That should win you Ellidah back."

Nikki started to walk away but there was no way Helen was leaving the conversation there. There was far too much she wanted to say, if the other woman would even allow it. Nikki had a track record of saying plenty and listening to nothing.

"Nikki, wait" Helen shouted as she followed her into what looked like an office. It was much quieter in here. She could hear the gentle hum of her inner ear still vibrating from the music but little else.

"Leave it, Helen." The Scot could hear the tears in Nikki's voice.

"You're crying." Helen stated the obvious as she dumped the bags and jackets on the floor and went to place her free hand on Nikki's back. She could feel the strong shoulder blade protruding through her top. "Talk to me." Nikki shook her head and Helen let go of her.

She walked around, enclosing herself in the tight space between Nikki and the shelving unit on the wall.

"I'm disgusted at Claire's behaviour tonight. What she did...what they both did, it's wrong and you shouldn't have to be hurt because of it." Nikki lowered her head closer to Helen's

"Forget it, i'm used to it with that two-faced tart. We've been over for months. Claire is welcome to her. That's not why i'm upset." Nikki dabbed at her tear-soaked cheeks.

"Well, what's wrong, why are you crying, i've never seen you like this."

"What do you care. I'm just another dyke and our feelings don't count to you hetero's."

"Don't be so stupid!" Helen's temper snapped. She was sick of lesbians assuming she was so fickle about sexuality that she bordered on bigotry. "I have absolutely nothing against anyone, straigh, gay or lesbian for that matter. It's all in your head, Nikki."

"Yeah, course it is. Then you wouldn't mind this, would you..." Nikki bent her head so that her lips were millimetres from Helen's. She paused only briefly before ravenously she captured Helen's bee-stung lips in a slow yet passionate kiss. The almost inaudible sexual moan that escaped Helen's open mouth broke them from their reverie.

Helen pulled away first. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Nikki said, soberly.

"No, you shouldn't!" Helen touched her lips like they were on fire and quickly gathered her belongings before she left.

The door to the office slamming jolted Nikki to her senses. She had crossed a line and she knew it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty Two**

Nikki had been home from the club for hours although it didn't feel like it. An hour could easily turn in to three when you had the amount of mental baggage to unpack as she did.

After relieving Yvonne of babysitting duties and checking that Ellidah was sound asleep and content in her bed, Nikki had sat herself down at the kitchen table with a beer to have a long hard think about what the eventful evening at the club had brought. Two such innocent little kisses - two such big mistakes.

According to the wall clock in the conservatory, it was 4:37am when the front door unlocked and Trisha came quietly tiptoeing through.

"You're still up?" It was less of a question and more of an observation. "I thought you'd be in bed by now if you're taking Ellidah out in the morning."

"I need to speak to you about Claire Walker." Trisha visibly flinched at the mention of the defence lawyers name. It was the last thing she had been expecting to hear echo from her ex's lips. "I saw you kissing her in the club." Nikki was surprised by the calmness of her tone, despite how she felt internally.

Trisha pulled out the seat next to Nikki and sat down before her legs buckled beneath her.

"You were never meant to see that…no one was." Her eyes were widened in fear.

"No? Well, Helen Stewart managed to catch a glimpse of your snog, as well. You didn't try to hide it very well, did you?"

"Shit, I am so sorry, Nikki. I got carried away in the moment, please don't get mad at me."

"I'm done with being mad, Trisha. I'm done with shouting, I'm done with arguing, I'm done with being consumed by anger. I'm done." She took a swig of her beer. "Done." She repeated forlornly one last time to make sure her point had gotten across.

"It meant nothing to me." Trisha lied but she wasn't fooling herself and she certainly was not fooling the ever observant Nikki.

"Trisha, please spare me the bullshit. We were lovers for nine years. I know every twitch of you face and every movement of your body. What you think meant nothing was very much something from where I was standing. I see the way Claire looks at you in court. It's obvious you both have a past, I'm not stupid." Trisha made to protest the remark but Nikki stopped her dead in her tracks. "I am also aware it will have been when we were together. I can't deny I'm not hurt by the fact you seemed to have little regard to my feelings despite the length of our relationship." The two women looked so intently at each other they could have been mistaken for still being lovers. "I love you, Trisha. I always did and I know you loved me. We just never loved each other properly." Trisha nodded for she understood exactly what Nikki meant. They were wonderful as friends. Their business partnership was infallible. They excelled in the bedroom as well as the boardroom. But at everything else, they failed. "Are you in love with Claire?"

Trisha didn't answer straight away. She hadn't yet dared ask herself that question, and Nikki's probing led her to do some soul-searching.

"I'm not sure. But I think, given time, I could be, yeah." Trisha smiled and Nikki joined her.

"Good. Despite what you may think, I don't want to see you unhappy. I'm miserable enough for both of us."

"I can fix this." Trisha proclaimed but Nikki shook her head.

"Helen Stewart knows we've broken up. It's too late for fixing things, the damage is well and truly done." Tears glistened in the corners of her eyes as she realised the irrevocability of it all. "I need to spend as much time with Ellidah as I can, before…" she couldn't finish the sentence; the words stuck in her throat, choking her. It seemed too surreal; too final.

"Don't be so pessimistic, Nik, this is the drink talking. Helen's appeal could still fall in you favour. This is not the end!"

"No, Trisha, that's where you're wrong. With all the things I have against me, It is no longer a matter of if I will lose Ellidah, it's a matter of when."

Helen lay on her sofa reading "Sophie's World". It was 5am and she had read the same three paragraphs eighteen times in under half an hour. She was trying to distract herself from her own thoughts but it clearly wasn't working. Sophie and her world was nothing compared to Helen's world and how it had shifted on its axis tonight. Her lips still tingled from the brief taste of Nikki that was thrust upon them so surprisingly.

She put the book down on her coffee table and sat on the edge of the seat, her hands clasped under her chin, the exact place her eyelids felt like they were down too. Sleep hadn't been on top of priority list lately; especially not tonight. She couldn't have slept if she tried.

She stood up to go to the kitchen to make a coffee but a noise from the hallway distracted her. She set her mug back down on the table and with trepidation she followed what sounded like a cat scratching at the front door.

The light in the hall landing was off but the street lighting outside cast it's shadow over a silhouette in the windowpane.

"Claire?" Helen let out the expectant breath she was holding and unlocked the door to let her inebriated friend enter.

"What are you doing here, Claire?" The guilt in the lawyers eyes told Helen the answer she sought.

"I came to check you were okay." Claire looked sheepish.

"After you left me in the club on my own, you mean?" Helen cocked her eyebrow and smiled. "I'm fine. I've been home for hours." Claire looked relieved that her friend was in an agreeable mood as she kicked off her shoes and jacket.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Helen shrugged.

"Too much on my mind, I guess."

"Oh? What about?" Claire joined Helen on the couch and took a sip of the vodka and lemonade Helen had poured herself when she came home but hadn't touched.

"I saw you, Claire. I saw you with Trisha. Why couldn't you leave it alone until after the appeal?" Helen looked visibly wounded but it wasn't just her friend who had upset the apple cart tonight. Nikki Wade had done more than her fair share to leave her reeling.

"It just happened, Helen. I didn't go looking for it." Claire looked shaken.

"No? You didn't know Trisha would be there tonight? Be honest with me."

"Trisha and Nikki own the club. So, yes, I did know there was a chance she would be there. I'm being honest when I say it was an accident that I bumped into her, but the kiss…that was not an accident. It was going to happen sooner or later… It was inevitable, and it just happened sooner rather than later. When Trisha wants something, she takes it."

"Sounds a lot like her ex-girlfriend" Helen mumbled.

"What?"

"Oh, it's nothing. Forget it."

"If something's bother you, talk to me."

Helen sat for a moment wondering how candid she should be, but before she could reason with herself, her mouth opened and the words came tumbling out.

"I keep asking people to be honest to me, and I can't even be honest to myself." Helen's words made no sense to Claire's intoxicated brain.

"What do you mean?" Claire was confused at where Helen was heading with the conversation.

"That night, when I asked you what it was like to kiss a woman and you walked away..." Helen remembered the night clearly and she knew Claire would, too. "I was devastated. Last night when I said I was glad you didn't try it on, I lied. I wanted that kiss as much as you did." Claire sat up in her seat, quite unsure she was hearing correctly.

"What? You knew I fancied you?"

"No, I had no clue you felt that way until you told me at the club last night." Helen could see Claire struggling with the information she was giving her and there was nothing she could say to make it more palatable. "Claire, please don't take this the wrong way, but the kiss and my want for it, it was never about you. I was never attracted to you in that way. I was just drunk and curious about the idea of being with a woman. You were the only way to perhaps satisfy that itch or curiosity." Claire looked regretful yet not overly surprised by the admission. She was just thankful her crush on Helen was long gone or she knew she would have been devastated by the confession.

"But I didn't satisfy it, did I?" Helen shook her head at Claire's question. "Is the itch still there?"

That was the one question Helen couldn't answer. Not yet at least.

Helen awoke at 10am sharp. She smiled happily as she looked at where she was. Her and Claire were top to tail on her sofa with her housecoat draped over them in the absence of a blanket. It had a long time since they had had a drunken sleepover that resulted in them both passed out next to each other. This time however, only Claire had been drunk and she would be the only one paying the price with a dreadful hangover.

Gently she prised herself free from her friends entangled limbs and got up to put the kettle on. Claire would be needing caffeine the minute she woke, if Helen remembered their university days correctly.

Whilst the water boiled Helen took a quick look at the mobile phone which she had left in her bag purposefully. Yesterday she wanted to forget what the day had brought. She didn't want to speak to Thomas and she definitely didn't want to speak to Nicola Wade. Yet now she found herself in her inbox staring at message from the latter. She couldn't quite bring herself to open it and read what she had to say. She could see the first several words, though.

_What I did last night should…_

"Open it." Helen tore her eyes away from the phone to see Claire looking rather dishevelled over her shoulder. "Who ever the message is from. Open it. Don't just stand there staring at it." She leaned in to read what was on the screen and Helen snatched the phone away before she got the chance. "Keeping more secrets?" Claire threw an accusatory glance.

"You remember our conversation then?" Helen had hoped with the amount her friend had had to drink she would have had an alcoholic memory lapse but it seemed that wasn't to be.

"You expect me to forget something like that? You're a dark horse, Helen Stewart. Full of secrets and mystery. You're an enigma…but you're my enigma." Claire pulled Helen into an embrace and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek before she pulled herself away to pour a coffee.

The distance gave Helen a chance to read Nikki's message in full, despite the butterflies that fluttered nervously in her tummy. She felt like a teenager and it unnerved her to the core.

_What I did last night should never have happened. Nikki._

Helen hadn't felt furious until now. Bewildered, flustered, ashamed, aroused - yes - but the quick brush off in a text message incensed her.

_No, it shouldn't have! We need to talk. _She fired the message back and gratefully accepted a mug of steaming hot, sugary caffeine from Claire.

"Anything important?" Claire nodded towards the mobile in Helen's hand.

"I thought it was, but it turns out not." Claire new better than to keep probing. Like every good lawyer, she knew when enough was enough and from the look on her face, Helen was at saturation point.

The two women sipped their coffee in silence and when Claire had finished, she made her way to the bathroom to freshen up. Helen remained in her seat at the breakfast table staring at the blank screen, willing Nikki Wade to dare text her back. And she got her wish.

_Later. I'm taking Ellidah swimming at the leisure centre in Richmond at 2pm. Want to come?_

That wasn't what Helen had been expecting at all. In the twenty minutes her and Claire had nursed their coffees making idle chitchat, Helen had geared herself up for the almightiest of fights and it seemed Nikki wasn't giving her one. With her sails deflated and the bewilderment back, she text back saying she would be there - against her better judgement. She should have said _no_, but whilst her brain screamed for her to decline, her fingers typed _yes. _The message was sent off into cyberspace before she could chicken out of a play date with her daughter and that infuriating woman who she wanted to tear limb from limb.

"Right, Hel's, I'm off." A fresh-faced, make-up free Claire smiled at her brightly from the kitchen door as she put on her jacket.

Helen joined her and walked her to the front door, grabbing her for another cuddle, this one tighter and more loving than the last.

"I love you, Walker. Even if you complicate my life."

"I love you, too, Stewart. And you complicate mine more!" Claire set off down the path with a smile. Even the 2-mile walk that she badly needed to clear her head of the hangover and the cobwebs that hung there wasn't enough to wipe the grin from her face.

As she got to the wrought iron gate she turned to take one last look at the woman who many years before had been the object of her affection.

"Helen, whoever gets to scratch that itch will be a very lucky woman indeed."


	23. Chapter 23

...and here it is.

I feel like i've been writing this bloody chapter for months. I've added another 2000 words since my last post... It's been like having to sit through Ben Hur. But i am done! Yes, done! With this at least. I have a research paper for a conference that needs written and submitted before midnight. No rest for the wicked, as they say! :bigsmile:

Thank you for sticking with me and generally being lovely about my stories, despite my tardiness. :inlove:

K

x

[b]Chapter twenty three[/b]

For the first time in her adult life, Helen Stewart was early for something.

She pulled her trusty red Peugeot 206 in to the parking lot of Richmond leisure centre and took a deep breath as she clung to the steering wheel tightly until her knuckles were white. She wanted so desperately to put her foot back on the accelerator and reverse right out of there. Running away from things was what she was good at. She had done it all her life as a way of self-preservation. But now only the thought of Ellidah stopped her. She couldn't run out on her daughter again, not just because of a simple kiss or a forbidden attraction. She had to take control of her life and confront Nikki head on if she were to forge any kind of a future for herself and her daughter.

[i]To bury your head in the sand, you must first be on your knees.

[/i]

An old adage her Mum used to say to her before she passed away swept through her mind and gave her the fighting spirit to unbuckle her seat belt and make her way over to the black Jeep Cherokee that she recognised as Nikki's.

She had spent far too long on her knees once before and she would never allow herself to be in that position again.

As Nikki left the car she spotted the petite Scot in the distance heading towards her. She raised her arm and gave a polite wave in her direction to acknowledge she had seen her.

Helen waved back with a smile that belied the churning sensation in her abdomen. [i]If you can't be confident, then act it. [/i]She thought to herself as she strode towards the 4x4 with a buoyancy in her step. Nerves were most certainly getting the better of her.

"Hiya, Nikki," She flashed the largest smile she could muster. The trick was to outwardly mask every single conflicting emotion she felt inside and then all would be good in the world again. No one would be any the wiser to how she was really feeling or to the fact she was a wreck ready to crumble.

"Hey, I didn't think you would come." Nikki pulled Ellidah from her car seat and groaned at the weight of her in her arms. She put her down on the ground and immediately the child made a grab for Helen's hand.

"Why wouldn't I come? I wouldn't miss this for the world." She nodded downwards to signify that she was talking about her daughter and nothing else. "Hi sweetheart, are you looking forward to going for a swim?" Ellidah bobbed her head in affirmation that she was, whilst she lazily sucked on the thumb of her free hand in an act of sleepy comfort.

The leisure centre's automatic doors opened widely as the three of them made their approach. It felt so wonderfully fresh and clean as the blast of warmth and the overpowering smell of chlorine engulfed them. Its tropical air was a far cry from the dismal day outside in South West London.

As Nikki paid at for them at reception and got change for the lockers, Helen distracted herself with reading the advertisements dotted along the walls.

"So, what's the plan?" Helen queried as Nikki rejoined them.

"I've booked Ellidah in for her first proper swimming lesson. We tried her at six months but I felt she was a bit too young. This is me just getting round to reorganising it." Nikki looked sheepish. She had had a lot on her plate in the last year and she hated to think her daughter had somehow been forgotten amongst her stresses. But it was better late than never.

"Oh." Helen looked lost for words. "I didn't realise. I though we would be going swimming, too, so I had put on a swimsuit." Nikki laughed as she lifted her t-shirt to show a skin tight navy Speedo swimming costume underneath.

"We are…I just need to drop this little madam with the instructor first." Nikki took Ellidah's hand in her own and lifted the child's pink princess bag over her shoulder.

"Suits you." Helen sniggered.

"I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to carry a Disney backpack," It didn't sound like a dig but it didn't stop Helen wondering if there had been underlying intention in Nikki's choice of words. Was it her way of skirting around the issue of the kiss?

As they entered in to the changing rooms, Helen suddenly felt very out of her depths. Up until now she had felt okay, like she was in control. But that control was about to be shed…just like her clothes.

She stood prostrate by a wooden bench and watched Nikki fold Ellidah's t-shirt and jeans into the locker.

"'len..you like?" Ellidah pointed at the front of her bathing costume and Helen bent down to her to get a better look.

"Who's this?" She pointed at the cartoon character whose face took up most of the material.

"Hello Kitty!" The kid squealed and excitedly clapped her hands together. Helen laughed and over her shoulder she could hear Nikki join in.

"She's obsessed. She keeps pestering me for a kitten but there's no way in hell she's getting one." Helen who was still kneeling down on her haunches turned her head to be met with a sight that almost knocked her right off balance. Nikki stood behind her in the Speedo she had flashed at her earlier. Except now she could see the swim suit and Nikki in all her glory. "Hello Kitty got your tongue?" Nikki smirked at the intensity at which Helen was gazing at her. "You going swimming in your jeans?" Helen stood up and looked down at herself.

"I might have to. I don't know if what I've put on is appropriate with kids around." She grimaced.

"I'll be the judge of that. Come on, off with the clothes." Nikki crossed her arms over her chest as Helen hesitantly peeled off layers, starting with the safety of her shoes and socks.

Once she got down to the last item, her top, she felt the need to explain herself. "I only had the one bikini. I bought it for a holiday with my ex, Sean, that we never got to go on…what's appropriate for a beach in Cuba may not go down so well in Richmond."

"Unless it's nipple tassels and a pair of crotchless briefs, then I reckon you'll be fine." Helen looked at Nikki wearily and decided it was now or never. She pulled the top over her head and held it close to her torso. It wasn't by any means flimsy but the amount of skin on show had Nikki revaluating whether it was indeed wise for Helen to be so naked. Not because of the kids, but because of her own wandering eyes and rapidly increasing pulse rate.

"It's nice. You've nothing to be worry about." She coughed and averted her eyes. The only one who had to worry now was herself. She couldn't quite stop herself from sneaking furtive glances back towards the perfect, voluptuous breasts heaving inside the red bra top. They were magnets to her retinas. So when Ellidah's swimming teacher walked into the changing room she raised her eyes to the heavens and thanked God for the interruption.

"Hi Ms Wade, I'm Julieanna, and you must be…" The young athletic looking woman looked down at the piece of paper attached to a clipboard. She ruffled her forehead and Nikki could see she was having trouble pronouncing the name. "It's pronounced just like Hailey, without the H. It's Scottish." Nikki looked over at Helen and an unspoken moment passed between them. Without actually saying it, Helen felt like Nikki had just acknowledged her as being a part of Ellidah. It was the tiniest of gestures but had a monumental impact.

"Ah. Well, it's a gorgeous name for a gorgeous little girl." Both Nikki and Helen smiled widely at the compliment. Every child was beautiful, but bias aside, Ellidah Wade really was a striking looking little girl. With her platinum blonde hair that would no doubt darken in time and deep, thoughtful hazel eyes, she was her birth mother's spitting image. There was definitely no question of her lineage.

"Thank you," Helen spoke up, her accent obvious. Almost instantaneously, Nikki could see the swimming instructors cogs ticking as she looked back and forth between Helen and herself.

"And a beautiful couple that created her," The girl winked and took the subject no further when she saw both Helen and Nikki shuffle uncomfortably and flush at her comment. No one wanted to correct her and thankfully they didn't have to. "Right, come on little lady," Sensing she had entered a minefield, she brushed over her remark and held out her hand for Ellidah. "If you come back over to the baby pool in about a forty five minutes, we should be done."

With no Ellidah as a buffer, Helen suddenly felt rather exposed. As she stood poolside in her red bikini she felt like all eyes were on her, including the chocolate coloured, almond shaped ones of Nikki Wade.

"What?" Helen wrapped her arms around her torso to cover the bear flesh that was being scrutinised.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare." Nikki nobly tore her gaze away from Helen and lowered herself into the middle of the pool. "I was just thinking how you'd never be able to tell you had had a child." She held her hand up to Helen to offer her help in to the water and she gratefully accepted. With one hand in Nikki's and one hand still crossed over midriff, Helen lowered herself down and took in a sharp intake of breath as the prickly-cold, chlorinated water rose up around her body.

"Yeah, well, things snap back quickly when you're in your twenties. I don't know if I'd be so lucky these days." She bobbed down and moved her legs back and forth to stay afloat.

"Do you want more kids?" Nikki enquired.

"Someday. Perhaps." Helen almost blurted out that she would get Ellidah back first and then, with sadness, she remembered who she was talking to. There was so much she wanted to say to Nikki but she found herself stopping the words from leaving her mouth more often than not. Claire had warned her to say nothing that could affect the appeal but Helen so badly wanted to break all the rules and open her heart. "I was an only child and I don't want that for Ellidah. It's a lonely life when your parents are gone."

Nikki could see the sparkle in Helen's eyes suddenly flicker out, like a flame caught in the breeze. She wished she hadn't asked such a personal question now, not when it's answer was tinged with such misery. Her intention for today was to keep things light and out of enemy territory, but with Helen Stewart, it seemed that was never an option. Just when you thought it was safe, [i]Bam[/i], there she was, with those eyes; that smile. Nikki's instincts begged to know more about this woman but not now, not like this.

"Let's change the subject. It's getting a bit heavy for a Monday afternoon." Helen was never more relieved to hear those four words spoken. Her throat had already began to constrict - the all too familiar sign that tears were not too far away. Now her body could relax and perhaps even begin to enjoy itself. She quietly mouthed [i]thank You[/i] and Nikki nodded before she turned on to her stomach and began to breast stroke down the length of the pool.

Helen watched her attentively. The lean, yet athletic limbs darting so beautifully and so elegantly in and out of the water. Nikki looked like a professional as she glided so expertly from one end to the other and back again for a few more lengths. When she had had enough she held on to the tiled wall at her side and gracefully shook the water out of her hair.

Seeing that Helen hadn't moved but was staring her way, she gestured for her to join her on the other side.

Helen fought for breath as she caught up with Nikki at the other end of the pool. She spat out the excess water she had inadvertently swallowed and tried to eradicate the unwanted water from her ears…nowhere near as gracefully and exotically as Nikki had done. Her face and hair were soaked and she appeared flustered and dishevelled…again, a stark comparison to a cool, calm and collected Nikki. "It's been ages since I've been swimming. Now I remember why. I'm no good at it…my limbs are too wee." When Nikki laughed heartily, the sound reverberated around Helen's ears like sweet, glorious music.

"Your limbs are too wee? Wow, I've heard some pretty lame excuses for why people are shit at things, but I think that one takes the biscuit, Helen." She smiled cockily and Helen playfully slapped her fingers off of Nikki's shoulder in mock offence.

"It's true!" Helen grabbed one of Nikki's arms. "Look at you, all tall and gangly. You glide through the water like..I don't know…some kind of dolphin. Where as, I'm pretty sure I look like a submerged hippo." She giggled at the facial expression Nikki pulled.

"I really don't think anyone would mistake you for a hippo, Helen. You're just rusty at swimming." She reached out beneath the water and grabbed at Helen's hand. "Come on," She yanked her forwards towards the shallow end of the pool. "I'll race you to the deep end." She smirked playfully as Helen shook her head.

"No way!"

"Yes way…come on, I'm counting to three then I'm starting. 1..." Helen was still shaking her head as Nikki moved in to position. "2" She placed her hands of her hips defiantly. Nikki could count to hundred if she liked but she wasn't racing her. "3..." The purposeful splash of Nikki's flailing legs soaked Helen and sobered her. This was war. Nikki took off and a defeated yet dogged with determination Helen shot off closely behind her. With fighting spirit in her belly she was pushing to win.

With each stroke of her left arm she could feel Nikki's foot beneath her fingers. No matter how powerful her movements were or how strong her will to come out top, she just couldn't catch up. She was still swimming when she heard Nikki shout "Come on shorty!"

Helen thrashed desperately to try and stay above water, unceremoniously choking on water as she tried to reply. "Less of the shorty, you had a head start and an unfair advantage." She coughed like a sixty-a-day smoker to get the water from her lungs and rubbed her eyes that stung badly from the chlorine.

"And what unfair advantage would that be?" Nikki cocked her eyebrow with a lopsided grin and got an answer she didn't expect.

"Ow…fuck!" Helen's face contorted like she was in agony. Seeing Nikki's expression of cockiness change to that of worry she thought she better explain herself. "Cramp…calf…" She tried to reach down for her leg but she was far too small to stand in the 6 foot depth. As she felt her head duck under water and as she fought frantically for oxygen to penetrate her lungs, she felt a pair of strong hands grab her firmly around the hips and lift her on to the metal staircase that led down in to the water.

"Sit here." Nikki placed herself between Helen's legs and slide her hands down to Helen's outer thighs. "Which calf is it?" Helen lifted her left leg and Nikki valiantly began to massage the contorting muscles, roughly at first and as the pain eased, her touch became more tender. "Better?" Nikki asked but already she could tell from the serene look on Helen's face that that ache was subsiding.

"Much. Boy that hurt like a bitch." Helen laughed uncomfortably, well aware that Nikki's hands were still around her leg, gently stroking it. Their close proximity was having a strange affect on her and she was eager to put some distant between herself and Nikki before that tiny spark of desire ignited into something far more perilous. She looked up at the clock on the wall. "It's almost three o'clock. We should go see how Ellidah's getting on." As Nikki withdrew contact, Helen felt the loss much deeper than any swimming pool could ever have been. She could have sat there all day had she allowed herself to admit to the feelings that were rapidly growing inside her, like an all-consuming, poisonous fungus. Nikki Wade was having a spellbinding affect that she didn't know if she could handle on top of everything else.

"Mummy," On seeing Nikki the excited toddler started to run towards her.

"Hey, don't run, you'll hurt yourself if you fall." She scooped her up in to her arms and plastered a huge kiss on her cheek. "Did you have fun?"

"She did amazing. I'll be coaching her for the Olympics one day." Julieanna smiled and turned back to the other kids who were poolside. "I'll see you ladies same time next week." Nikki nodded in agreement although she knew neither of them would be there and that Trisha would be in their place. That ought to get the Chinese whispers started. She thought to herself with wicked pleasure.

"It's freezing," Helen shivered as they re-entered the changing room, goosebumps springing up all over her sallow skin.

"Here," She jumped as she felt Nikki arms envelope around her back as the woman wrapped her tenderly in an oversized, fluffy towel.

"Thank you,"

"You're welcome," They shared a warm smile before Nikki diverted her attentions. "Right, little one, you first." She helped Ellidah out of her swimsuit and dumped it in a plastic carrier bag. "Arms up," Helen watched her gently dress their daughter as she sat on the bench trying to get a heat back in her body. Nikki was the perfect mother. So calm and so attentive. She just seemed to instinctively know what she was doing when it came to parenting. That was another area in which Helen felt out of her depth. Love she could give in abundance, but that natural earth mother vibe that Nikki exuded…Helen didn't know if she had it in her.

Once Ellidah was dressed she made an immediate beeline for Helen and pounced on her for a cuddle. She gently rocked back and forth with the child in her arms as she watched Nikki unabashedly strip free from her own bathing costume. She blushed initially but as Nikki, with her back to her, rubbed herself down with a similar towel to the one she was wearing, she found her gaze transfixed. She was mesmerised by the naturalness of the act and the Botticelli-like splendour of Nikki's naked form in front of her. The woman was perfect in every way shape and form. From the sleek neck, to her strong shoulders, the slim back and the pert bottom, Nicola Wade was a vision to be savoured. Only Ellidah excitedly bouncing on her knee broke her from her beautifully scenic reverie.

"I'm hungry," she bounced impatiently until Helen put her down.

"I had better get dressed then and you can take her home," Nikki pulled her jeans up and locked her eyes with Helen.

"It doesn't have to end here. Come back with us…have dinner. Trisha shouldn't be home." Nikki felt it best to omit that her ex was out seeing her new love interest and Helen's friend, Claire. Why dredge up more negativity and spoil what really had been an amazing afternoon. It was the first time they had managed to get through a few hours with no fighting and no animosity creeping into the fold.

Helen didn't answer immediately. She wanted to say yes, she wanted to go back to the place her daughter called home, but her gut instinct was yelling at her to quit while she was ahead.

"Please, I think we need to talk." Nikki's eyes pleaded with her and she couldn't fight the urge to resist.

"Okay." Nikki's enormous grin and Ellidah's squeak of delight told her she had made the right choice. She just hoped she wouldn't live to regret it.

Everything appeared, to Nikki's relief, to be in hand. Dinner was in the oven. The white wine was cracked open. Helen looked at ease on the sofa playing with Ellidah's Barbie doll. [i]And breathe.[/i] She reminded herself to take a moment to get a grip on this sudden bout of tension that was overshadowing her normal calm. [i]She's not the bloody Queen. [/i]

She peeled off her apron and made her way through the double French doors in to the living room.

"Dinners on. I don't think this little one is going to make it that far, though,"

Nikki glanced over at Ellidah who was undoubtedly seconds away from sleep. With her thumb firmly back in her mouth and her blinking eyes getting slower and heavier, Nikki knew it was time to scoop up the worn out child and get her to her bed.

"Let me do it." It sounded like a statement but really it was a question. Helen's eyes begged to have the opportunity of something so precious that Nikki herself had grown to cherish. Despite everything that had gone on between them and the acrimony that would often envelope them, Nikki could never find the heart to deny her.

"Of course," She gently slipped the sleepy child into Helen's arms and grinned as the girl snuggled in tightly for dear life.

By the time they had got to the bedroom, Ellidah was beginning to perk up a little and had began to demand her favourite rabbit and with him firmly tucked under her armpit, her next insistent request was a bedtime story.

"Go ahead." Nikki nodded to the wall shelf filled with books, not dissimilar to the one in her own living room. The only difference was Nikki's shelf contained no fantastical fairytales; no stories of love conquering all. She didn't believe in happy endings.

Nikki leaned lazily on the doorframe, her head pressed against as she listened to Helen quietly read the story of the princess and her knight in shining armour coming to rescue you her from the confines of the castle that had become her prison. She was sure there was a metaphor for her own life tucked away in that sickeningly sweet fable.

As Ellidah drifted off into a peaceful slumber, Helen closed the book and returned it to where it belonged. She gave Nikki a thumbs up as she tiptoed in her direction. Nikki returned the gesture with a smile, whilst all the while she kept a dreamy look etched upon her face.

"What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?" Helen beamed, puzzled by the way Nikki was blatantly undressing her with her eyes.

"Your accent. How have I not noticed how exquisite it is before now?" Her words seemed to spill out more lustfully than she had ever intended them be. They drawled sexily off her tongue and stopped Helen in her tracks with their uninhibited passion.

"Maybe because we always seem to be shouting?" Helen whispered honestly, drawn in by the power of the olive-skinned face that was so dangerously close to her own.

"I should go," Helen slid past Nikki's body which blocked the doorway.

"Why? So things don't end like last night?" It was the first time either had dared mention the inappropriate exchange that had happened between them, but now here it was, thrown out in to the arena to be picked apart.

"You crossed a line last night, Nikki. I don't know why you thought it would be okay to take advantage of me like that, and by god I have been asking myself that question since it happened." Helen had her hand on front door when Nikki placed hers over it to stop her leaving.

"Why do you think I kissed you?" Nikki's words were a mere whisper as she bent her head closer to Helen's ear. She felt the Scot shiver at the imperceptible touch.

"Don't," Helen's shaky command didn't sound convincing. Nikki lifted her head so that their eyes met directly.

"Tell me why you thought I kissed you last night and I will stop." Nikki drawled seductively.

"I don't play games, Nikki" Helen pressed hard against Nikki's chest to push her away and give herself the distance she needed to compose herself. "I really don't know what you think you'll achieve by this? Is this some ploy to get me in to bed, so that if you lose this appeal, you'll still have access to Ellidah?"

Nikki's once seductive eyes now flamed in rage and the hand that covered Helen's was hastily removed as she pulled herself back against the wall.

"Is that what you really think of me, some clit-teasing, con-artist who would be conniving enough to sink to that level? Do you think I would use my daughter like that?" Helen couldn't believe the hurt she had caused. But It was the looked that was imprinted on Nikki's face that tore at her heart. She looked like a wounded animal who was crushed and seconds from death. "Don't answer that…just go, Helen." Her chin defied her by quivering as she fought to remain strong.

"Nikki…" Helen offered softly, her hand reaching up to turn Nikki's face to look at her. She wanted to apologise; to make everything okay again but it was far too late for that.

"No. I'm not doing this. I'll see you on Saturday at visitation." Helen looked surprised that, regardless of what had just passed between them, Nikki was managing to be cordial. The old Nikki she knew would have been straight on the telephone to her lawyer demanding restraining orders and all sorts and it made Helen wonder what had happened to change her attitude so dramatically in the last few weeks.

"Are you sure?" She asked tentatively, positive that at any minute Nikki would have a change of heart.

"You're not the only one who doesn't play games, Helen." She opened the front door in a not so subtle hint that she meant business. The conversation was over. She was done. "Goodnight." ." She mumbled the word quietly, no hint of malice or anger in her voice; only defeat.

"Goodnight, Nikki…I'm sorry." Helen really meant it. She was so unbelievably sorry for what she had just insinuated that she wanted to scream and cry and beg for forgiveness but Nikki was never going to allow that; not tonight. But Saturday was a new day and she was determined that this weekend, a new chapter was going to begin in all of their lives.


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you Hanniballover for the review. **

**Chapter Twenty Four**

After the epic failure that most people called Monday, Helen had thrown herself into the rest of the week with gusto; in a feeble attempt to block out the reaction of her motor neurones and how they coursed in her body every time she thought back to Nicola Wade.

Tuesday was solely about making the most of being a lady of leisure. Which meant lunching out with Claire; food, wine and the obligatory gossip-filled chinwag. But every mention of a certain someone and her ex were banned. It didn't stop the lawyer dreamily dropping subtle hints to infer that all her waking (and sleeping) hours were now very much all about Patricia Harris.

Then Wednesday rolled round, bringing with it the dreaded _back to work review assessment_ with Simon Stubberfield and a member of the Prison Officer's Union. That had gone pretty much as her lunch with Claire had done; she sat patiently listening to what Simon had to say, nodding in all the right places, _umming_ and _ahhing_ occasionally to intimate she was listening with interest to how she would be reintroduced into the workplace - but all the while her brain had stuck in a time groove, replaying Monday in slow motion. _Nikki Wade. Nikki Wades eyes. Nikki Wades olive skin. Nikki Wades body in a swimsuit. Nikki Wades body out of a swimsuit. Nikki Wades passion. Nikki Wades lips as they parted to kiss her own. Nikki Wade. Nikki Wade. Nikki Wade. Nikki Wade._ So far gone was she in her thoughts that by the end of her assessment she readily agreed on a return to work date of two weeks from Monday. Simon was moderately pleased, the Union rep was ecstatic and Helen…was numb. She knew she had to go back sometime but she felt like she had never been away. It was the stark reality of how far she had travelled in just several short weeks that impacted her the most. The day she had first walked out of the gates of HMP Larkhall, she had set out on a journey to bring her daughter home and now that journey was rapidly coming to an end. It was a mere five days until a High Court Judge would make his decision on whether that dream would be made a reality or whether those hopes would be sorely dashed.

On Thursday morning as her alarm bleated angrily at her, Helen made the radical decision to break with the tradition of being an adult with grown up responsibilities. She was having a _Fuck It_ day. Which in her university years meant closing the curtains to the outside world, taking the phone off the hook (only replacing it to phone for takeaway food), lolling about like a slob in your pyjamas and generally not giving a toss about life. She was in a hormonal grey area between being Helen Stewart; professional and Bridget Jones; sad loner. So, with a bottle of white wine, a tub of Pringles and Joni Mitchell CD on repeat; she threw herself a twenty-four hour pity party.

On Friday all adult duties were resumed as normal. Superficially, at least. To anyone observing her stroll contentedly around the supermarket with her trolley, Helen Stewart looked like any regular professional woman in her early thirties who was doing the weekly shop. She exuded a silent air of confident authority - she looked like a woman who had it all and who knew where she was going in life. Looks could be deceiving.

And finally she had arrived at the day she had been dreading the most. 10am on Saturday morning. Quite how she was going to muster up the courage to look Nikki in eye in a few hours and make everything right between them, she did not know. That didn't mean she hadn't agonized over it for four full days - ninety six hours - five thousand seven hundred and sixty minutes. But she had now rationalised that it was no good fretting. No time machine had been invented that could take her back to Monday evening and allow her to right all her wrongs and no medicine could remedy the incurable foot in mouth disease she had been recently struck down with.

What was it about Nikki Wade that brought out the worst in her? It couldn't have been her belligerence. Helen had come across far more emotionally temperamental women in her line of work and they didn't manage to intimidate her the way Nikki did. It was the tiny hint of a kiss they had shared. She knew it was; her heart told her so. But she had to logically find another answer to appease her brain.

When Helen turned up at the house in Richmond at 2pm that afternoon, Nikki was out in the garden putting the rubbish in the recycling bin.

"So you came then." Were the first words Helen was greeted with. No _Hello_. No _nice to see you. _Just the usual Nikki Wade indignation. So instantly she went on the defensive.

"You keep saying that like you expect me to disappear into thin air." Helen snapped back, equally as irritable as Nikki had been to her. "Wishful thinking?"

"Well, you've got a track record of walking out of Ellidah's life…" Helen followed Nikki up the driveway and into the hallway - its four plain white walls having seen many an argument between them and about to encounter another.

"Don't do this, Nikki. Don't go back to the Nicola Wade I met that first day in court; not now I know who you really are."

"Who am I really, Helen? Go on, tell me…I'd be interested to hear. I might learn something." What started as an angry rant ended in sad silence.

"I'm going to leave. This was a bad idea. I'll see you in court in Monday and if you're lucky, that's the last you'll ever have to see of me."

"Shit, wait!" Nikki grabbed her arm tightly as Helen turned to extract herself from yet another hostile standoff. When she turned, Nikki's face had softened and she looked genuinely apologetic. "You're right, I'm not this person…I don't want to be this person, so eaten up by anger that I push you away!" Helen was lost in those brown eyes that twinkled pleadingly at her. "Stay. I promised myself this morning that I wouldn't do this again; and you have my promise that I won't fire up. I've had a bastard of a week and Ellidah's sick, so…"

"She's sick?" Helen looked worried.

"It's only a bit of a head cold, but she's been restless every night this week and when she's up; I'm up. I've forgotten what sleep feels like." She smiled faintly and Helen could see the effect the sleepless nights had had on Nikki's tired, ashen face. It made her wonder if it had only been her daughter keeping her awake or had Nikki too been replaying Monday so often that it had begun to consume her.

"Hasn't Trisha helped?" Nikki shook her head and gestured for Helen to follow her to the kitchen.

"Trisha decided it best she leave." She switched on the kettle. "Tea? Coffee?"

"Coffee. White, two sugars. Why did she leave? Has she moved in with Claire?" Helen leaned on the marble bunker.

"I know lesbians are a cliché when it comes to moving in together on the second date, but I think it's a little early for them shacking up, don't you?" Nikki smirked and handed Helen a cup.

"Would it bother you if they did?"

"Truthfully? No, I don't believe it would. Trisha emotionally separated from me years ago. All we ever really were was best friends… with occasional benefits. She just realised this a lot quicker than I did. I'm a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to love or, as was the case with Trish and I, lack of it." Nikki took a packet of chocolate digestive biscuits from the cupboard and put a handful on a side plate. "Let's go get comfy. Ellidah's in the living room playing nurses. I had to buy her a kids medical set on Tuesday after I had her at the surgery for a check-up. She's obsessed with it. She even slept with the stethoscope round her neck last night. I had to keep checking on her to make sure she didn't strangle herself." Nikki laughed thinking her comment to be innocent but to Helen it had a far deeper impact that stopped her from joining in on the mirth.

"She's going to be like her Dad, then." Helen frowned and Nikki's wide smile fell from her face. It was the first real mention Helen had made of Ellidah's father, who could have been a sperm donor for all Nikki knew. "His name's Thomas. Dr Thomas Waugh. He specialises in Psychiatry." Helen answered what she knew Nikki would be asking herself in her own head.

"Clever guy," She nodded approvingly. It was nice to know a little bit more of the genes that made her daughter tick.

"Academically clever, yes…emotionally; not so much." Ellidah looked up excitedly as they entered the room. "Hiya, baby!" Helen handed Nikki her coffee mug as she bent down to cuddle the child who was dressed in a little white uniform with a red cross that matched the colour of her fevered face. The thought of catching her germs didn't deter Helen from planting a loving kiss on her cheek.

"Sounds complicated." She handed Helen her coffee back and they both seated themselves on the sofa. She wanted to know more about this man now that the conversation had steered towards him. "How did you meet him?"

"I was the Wing Governor of a Prison in Scotland and he was seconded to us as the new practicing medical officer. Ironically, the day I met him, he was holding a class in the library, teaching the women about birth control methods. Maybe I should have listened in." Helen's smile was humourless.

"Well I'm glad you didn't. We wouldn't have that little bundle of joy and snot if you had."

"Yeah, but look at all the heartache it's caused."

"You mustn't think like that, Helen." Nikki grabbed her hand.

"No? I made one tiny mistake and for three years it has spiralled out of control." Helen bit down hard on her bottom lip. She realised how callous she sounded and tried to explain herself a little better. "Ellidah wasn't my mistake; Thomas was. He promised me the world and left me with nothing."

"A bit of a bastard then?"

"That's the thing…he really isn't. He is quite possibly the sweetest, most accommodating man you'll ever meet. His one flaw was to follow his head and not his heart. He made choices back then that suited himself and no one else. But then, so did I. None of us knew at the time the knock on effect him leaving me would have, if we did, maybe we would have stopped all this mess."

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing, Helen. But you can't live life wondering about what could have been if things had been different. Shit happens for a reason."

"You think this is all fate?" Nikki thought about Helen's question for a moment before she shrugged, undecided.

"I like to think everything in life has a purpose, be it good or bad."

"So what's the purpose of me losing Ellidah?" Helen's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of Nikki's, perhaps askew, logic.

"Who knows? But whatever the purpose is, I hope it finds you happiness. It certainly sounds like you deserve a bit." Nikki said sincerely but Helen didn't seem to be listening. She was staring intently into the bottom of her mug.

"Have you got anything a bit stronger? Coffee isn't quite cutting it. If this afternoon is going to turn into a therapy session, I need something with a percentage."

"Leave the therapy to your ex. You're here to see Ellidah, not pander to my nosiness." Nikki smirked. "Red or white?"

"White please. Red wine gives me a blinding hangover." Helen winced in memory of all the perfectly good Sundays wasted in bed thanks to bad drinking decisions.

"You planning to get pissed?" Nikki cocked her eyebrow questioningly.

"No! I was just stating a fact." Helen playfully poked her tongue out.

"I'll store it away in my memory bank with the rest of the useless information I've gathered over the years." Helen smiled although Nikki had already left the room. She glanced over at her daughter who was taking her dolls temperature with a pretend plastic thermometer.

"It's a pity you don't have a blood pressure monitor." Helen whispered across to her daughter so that Nikki couldn't hear her from the kitchen. She didn't want Nikki to think that her presence was having a negative effect on her nervous system - but it was. She looked down at her hand as it trembled on her knee. The close proximity to Nikki had reduced her to a quivering mess. It was a state of high anxiety that she normally reserved for important interviews or first dates and now she could add deep discussions with gorgeous Londoners to the list.

"One white for the lady" Nikki's voice echoed as she strode back to the room. "I have to warn you in advance, though, it's some cheap, fizzy shite that Trisha left. I've had a sip and it only vaguely resembles cat pee."

"Trisha's not a wine connoisseur then?"

"No. We may run a nightclub, but classy beverages will never be Trish's specialist subject on Mastermind." Both of them took a sip from their glasses, grimaced and burst into laughter.

"Wow, you weren't wrong about the cat pee." Helen choked on the sweet amber liquid as she swallowed. "But, hey, I'm Scottish and we could drink bathroom cleaner if we had to." And from the look on Helen's face, raw bleach would have been a preferable choice.

"Where in Scotland are you from?" Nikki took another drink, this time without the facial contortions and sat back to listen to what Helen had to say. She was genuinely interested to hear more about Helen's background and what made her who she was. All she knew about her so far was the snippets of information she had heard batted back and forth between lawyers in court and that was very little.

"I was born and raised in a tiny village called Luss, right on the bonny banks of Loch Lomond." Helen hammed up her accent to emphasize how very twee and Scottish the place was.

"Sounds like it would have been a nice place to grow up."

"I'm sure for some, it was. It's the kind of location that tourists flock to. It's your typical picture postcard kind of village. The kind you'd see on a shortbread tin." She had a slight mirthless laugh to herself. "But to me, it felt more like _Village of the damned_." Her sad smile slowly began to dissipate. "More bad memories than good. You know?" Nikki did know. She could not think of her own home town without the bitter feeling of resentment starting to course through her veins. The small Home Counties town just North of London prided itself on community spirit - but that so-called community spirit didn't quite stretch to anyone who fell under the blanket of LGBT. The whole town reeked of the smell of bigotry and prejudice and Nikki ran as far away from its filthy odour as soon as she was legally able to. Aged sixteen, she spread her wings and flew - sometimes a little too close to the ground - but it had been worth it to be liberated from that intolerant cage her parents had locked her in.

"So you don't miss it then?"

"I miss how peaceful and idyllic it is and I miss the friendliness of people but "home" is tainted and no matter how hard I try, I can't look past that. I haven't been back in three years." She threw the rest of the wine down her throat in an attempt to burn away the pain she felt. "And I doubt I ever I will again."

Nikki was about to probe further into why Helen held so much resentment for the place where she had grown up but a loud, hacking coughing fit from Ellidah diverted her attention.

"Hey, missy, are you trying to bring up a lung?" The laboured, wheezing breathing that followed sounded heartbreakingly painful. "It's medicine time for you." She looked up at the wall clock. "And dinner time for us if you want to stay and join us?" She looked over at Helen as she scooped Ellidah up into her arms.

"You sure? I really don't want to impose."

"Oh yeah, because you'd be imposing on my fun-filled night of reading Emily Bronte and listening to radio 4."

"Wow, and there was me thinking you'd be hardcore party animal, Nikki." They both laughed as they made their way to the kitchen where Nikki gave Ellidah her prescribed cough syrup; more of it's sticky red liquid landing down her once pristine nurse's uniform than she managed to swallow.

"I was once; then my priorities changed." She wiped her daughter's face with a damp dishtowel and sat her down at the dining table. This right here was what mattered. Domesticity and family around the dinner table. Security and unconditional love. All the things she had never known a child. The clubbing and wild partying were only ever good for blocking out the unfulfilled misery of an empty life. "The club brings richness to my pocket; but Ellidah brings richness to my heart. There's no competition." It sounded corny but it was true.

Helen felt a momentary pang of jealousy for Nikki had felt something she herself had yet to experience. She understood the joy of Ellidah, however, only on a superficial level. She so desperately want to feel that incredibly special bond between Mother and Daughter that it pained her.

She sat down and pulled the sickly child on to her knee, to offer both of them some comfort.

"So you don't work at the nightclub anymore?" She enquired, squeezing her daughter tightly and kissing her head softly.

"Trisha does the evening shift and I deal with all the boring administrative bits through the day." Nikki busied herself preparing the food as she spoke. "I was only there on Sunday night because we were short staffed." Helen nodded. She wondered who looked after Ellidah when Nikki and Trisha were both working but she didn't like to ask in case Nikki got the wrong end of the stick and mistook her innocent questioning as fodder for court.

"What do you want for dinner, Ell's?" Nikki turned around in time for her to see Ellidah shaking her head to signify she wasn't hungry and didn't want dinner. "You have to eat, sweetheart." Ellidah shook her head again, rubbed her tired eyes with the back of her hand and sunk her head into Helen's chest. She coughed laboriously again and Helen rubbed her back tenderly to try and ease the phlegm she could hear rattling from her chest.

"I think it's a nap she needs," Helen chuckled as Ellidah's head instantly nodded in agreement.

"You take her in and I'll give you a shout when dinners ready."

Helen had only been gone twenty minutes when Nikki tucked her head around the door.

Helen nodded, gave the sleeping child a kiss on the cheek and followed Nikki back to the kitchen.

"For someone who is sick, she doesn't half make demands," Helen grinned at the memory of being dictated to by the three year old to search the room for bears she had to sleep with, a tatty blanket she needed to accompany the thumb-sucking and the reading of several short stories detailing the adventures of _Hello Kitty._ "I'm exhausted." She puffed out air and wiped her forehead of sweat with a hearty laugh. "So, is dinner ready yet? I'm famished."

All Nikki could do in reply was smile. Ellidah may have gained a passing interest in medicine from her Father, but in every other way she was the carbon copy of Helen; demands and all.

"What?" Helen returned the smile, not quite sure what was so amusing. "You're looking at me funny, again."

Nikki shook her head and turned away to put the food out on the plates. She had no intention of telling Helen how her thoughts had been solely about how beautiful she found her or how every time Helen smiled at her, her heart wanted to burst free from her chest and dance an aortic can-can.

"Dinner is served," Nikki took the plates over to the table and sat down.

"Finally I get to eat a meal here," Helen grinned widely as she touched upon the fact that she was normally thrown outside like the garbage long before Nikki had the time to dish up the first course. Their pre-dinner arguments were becoming a bit of a habit.

"Ah, Monday." Nikki grimaced. "Should we even let the conversation go there, considering our track record?" Nikki wanted to enjoy a nice dinner in peace without having to dredge up a topic that would invariably lead them to a quarrel.

"We haven't even discussed Sunday, yet." _Shit._ Helen could have kicked herself the second the words left her mouth. Nikki Wade had a verbal laxative effect on her, it seemed. "Sorry. I only brought up Monday because I wanted to say how terrible i feel for accusing you of what I did." Nikki shrugged and put a forkful of Salmon in her mouth. "Please don't just shrug it off, Nikki. I hurt you, didn't I?" Nikki shrugged again, this time without making eye contact. She didn't want Helen to see the damage her throw away comment on Monday had actually caused. "Is this how it's always going to be between us? When one of us tries to talk, the other clams up?" Nikki sat in silence, not to be obtuse, but because she genuinely didn't know how to explain herself without rattling a beehive. "What's going on, Nikki?" Helen pleaded for her to say something; anything and she didn't expect what followed.

"I want so badly to hate you..." Nikki uttered without a hint of malice in her voice. She sounded sad, and somewhat beaten. The deep sincerity in her forlorn eyes made Helen's stomach somersault.

"And do you...?" Helen whispered as her heart sped up rapidly in anticipation of the answer.

Nikki sat in quiet contemplation, staring intently at the salt shaker as she searched her soul for an honest answer that would justify how she truly felt.

"No, Helen, I don't hate you. Despite the impression I may have given you on many an occasion." Nikki looked directly at Helen with a sorrowful gaze that was almost repentant. She despised herself for how out of character she had been these last several weeks. The revulsion she had been projecting towards Helen wasn't in her nature, but the intensive love for the child she had selflessly brought into her home and her heart brought out a demon in her that she could not control. "I spent so long wanting to hurt you...to put your heart through the same torment mines has been through, but you know what...i can't do it. Every time I look at you, I see Ellidah; that beautiful face and all I feel is..." Nikki stopped herself; the words lodged in her throat.

"What Nikki? What do you feel?" Helen watched the silent tears run down the cheeks of the woman starring longingly at her.

"Love, Helen. Nothing but love." Nikki rose dramatically from the wooden chair as though it were on fire. "And I can't stand it." She spat out, her face scrunched in pain. Helen visibly flinched as Nikki's fork clattered noisily against the plate as she threw it down. It was plain to see Nikki was hurting. That wounded expression on her face was all too common these days and Helen had grown to easily recognise it. "There…you happy now? You've got something else you can take away from me." She curled her arms around herself protectively and looked skywards to the ceiling in the hope her tears would refrain from carelessly tumbling down her cheeks.

Helen got up and stood in front of her. She had no idea what the hell she was going to do or say but she could not sit in silence after what Nikki had just said, no matter how dumbstruck she felt.

"Nikki, look at me," Helen rested her hands softly on Nikki's elbows.

"Just do what you do best, Helen and leave."

"No!" Helen snapped angrily and her tone broke into Nikki's stubborn standoff. "We need to stop running away. You and I need to talk, like adults, with none of this petulant bullshit." This time Helen wasn't so gentle when she tugged on Nikki's arms in a futile attempt to make the woman look at her. When she didn't she felt herself lose her resolve. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, Nikki!" Her voice projected loudly in an authoritative tone that she normally reserved for the women in Larkhall who had gotten out of hand. But when the cold brown eyes met hers she suddenly didn't feel so in control. Those eyes could see far too deeply into her soul for her liking.

"What do you want to talk about, Helen? How I dared to kiss you on Sunday?" Nikki drawled acerbically

"You took advantage of me!"

"Oh, really? Well, go on then, run to the judge and tell him that. Tell him how you managed to wheedle you way into the affections of the big, bad lesbian and how she tried to seduce you." Nikki lowered her head closer to Helens. As she did, Nikki caught Helen having a furtive glance at the front door and read her mind. Perhaps walking away from each other was the only way and deep down they both knew it.

"Don't," Nikki heard herself blurt out the word hurriedly, yet had no idea where it had come from. All she knew was she didn't want Helen to walk out of that door and out of her life. The very thought panicked her and suddenly she didn't feel like playing this goading game any more. "Stay." _Stay forever. _She begged silently.

"I don't want to fight any more, Nikki. I'm getting it from all sides and I can't handle it." Helen's voice broke as she held back a sobbed. The threatened tears betrayed her normally hard nature and rendered her weak.

"Hey, it's okay." Nikki wrapped her arms around Helens waist and pulled her in so closely that their bodies melded together.

"Is it?" Helen looked up, begging Nikki to tell her that everything would be all right, but from where there should have been words; there was a kiss.

Helen was taken aback as felt the soft lips encapsulate her own but instead of wrenching away from them, she readily embraced their magnetism. She leaned in closer, with a guttural moan escaping to signify her pleasure before she allowed herself to break free.

"I can't," she whispered regretfully as their lips parted.

"Tell me you don't want this…tell me you don't want me" Nikki challenged knowing Helen was having as hard a time to fight her emotions as she was. She could tell from the wanton stare emanating from Helen's eyes that they were very much on the same passion-filled page.

"I'm scared, Nikki." With her candid admission she implored for Nikki's understanding. Nikki had to be the oasis in a vast and treacherous desert of uncharted desire; in which she was currently lost. Feeling something beyond friendship for a woman was new territory, but it was far from Nikki's gender that Helen was concerned about. It was the intensity of her own desperate need to be taken to bed and have Nikki make love to her that caught her off guard. The libido she thought she had left back in the 90's had made an impromptu appearance thanks to one simple, albeit hesitant, kiss. That was what unnerved her more than anything. One kiss from Nikki and her body was on fire; what else was she capable of?

_Do not fall in love. _Helen squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she fought against her heart with all her might.

"We'll take it slow." Grabbing hold of Helen's hand, she led her down the unlit hallway to the outside of her bedroom door. She felt Helen's hand quiver nervously as she turned the handle and pushed the door ajar to the one room in the house Helen had yet to enter - until now.

To Helen none of this felt slow at all. In fact, it all felt very rushed and she felt herself begin to flounder and panic. There were questions she needed answered before she crossed the threshold to Nikki bedroom.

"Can we talk?" Helen's reached out to grab the door frame to stop Nikki pulling her any further.

"Talking's what you do after." Nikki ran her hand through Helen's hair and bent to kiss her but her advance was rejected.

"Nikki, please…" Seeing Helen's concern Nikki stopped in the doorway and let go of her hand. "What are we doing?"

"I thought that was obvious," Nikki straightened.

"Be serious," Helen was in no mood for facetiousness. "I need to know why this, why now? You blow hot and cold on me constantly. One minute you're trying to push me out of yours and Ellidah's life and the next…you're dragging me to bed. I just don't get it, Nikki." Helen was mystified and was finding it increasingly difficult to think straight amongst such chaos.

"You don't want this?" Nikki dodged all of Helen's questions and instead asked her own. From what the Scot was saying, it sounded like Nikki had read her all wrong. One minute Helen had been on fire and now she was showing definite signs of cold feet. _And she thinks I'm blowing hot and cold_.

"I never said that. I said I was confused. That's two very different things." Seeing Nikki's fear, Helen raised her hand to stroke her face reassuringly. "I never expected to feel this way - not about another woman…not about anyone! And I need to know you feel the same." The seriousness of Helen's words told Nikki she needed to talk and talk fast if she stood any chance of making something good happen with Helen.

"Do you remember the very first moment we met?" Nikki watched Helen think back in order to recall that day in court. "At the vending machine after I scalded my leg with the coffee." Helen nodded, wondering where Nikki was taking this and how it could possibly answer anything she had asked. "I didn't even notice you were there until you bent down and touched my leg to survey the damage, but by then I had forgotten about the pain, because all I could feel was this…" Nikki ran her hand seductively up the outside of Helen's thigh to elicit in her the same core-tingling sensation she had encountered that day in court. She smiled satisfactorily as she heard Helen's aroused gasp for air. "This is how I feel about you."

Grabbing Helen by the waist she roughly pressed her against the wall and seized hold of Helen's bee stung lips with her own - but this time there was no hesitation in her kiss, only an unadulterated carnal want that spoke volumes.

"I wanted you right from that first touch," She felt Helen involuntarily buck her hips towards her thigh as she breathlessly let the words tumble from her mouth. "I wanted you before I knew who you were and even now that I do know; I want you even more." Helen's unblinking, lust-filled eyes told Nikki everything she needed to know; she felt exactly the same.

"I want you." The whisper was almost imperceptible but Nikki heard it loud and clear. The hushed demand vibrated first to her ears then its aftershocks careered around her body. Who was she to deny Helen what she wanted? As she closed over the door to her bedroom, without any more words or proclamations, both women finally succumbed to their needs.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

The repetitive banging that echoed throughout the house was enough the wake the dead; and Nikki Wade.

Nikki lifted her mussed head from the pillow and sat up on her left elbow with one bleary eye open to survey which direction the intrusive noise came from. As her faculties slowly returned to her, she turned her head and looked down at the empty side of the bed where Helen had been lying just before she had gone to sleep. The faint outline of her body remained on the crumpled duvet but she was most definitely gone.

As Nikki got up and made her way through to the kitchen, she expected to see Helen's smile greet her but her expectations were quickly dashed.

"Trisha? What are you doing here?" Nikki made an 180 degree scan of the room with her eyes but her ex partner was very much alone.

"Looking for someone?" The blonde smiled coyly.

"What? No. I'm just surprised to see you in my kitchen at this time on a Sunday morning." Nikki lied and tried to shield the hurt from her voice and keep her face as staunch as she could. Trisha could read her like a book and any hint of disappointment would be evident. "Thanks for the alarm call."

"Sorry, babe. I just came back to get the folder where I keep all my important documents. I found a flat to rent near the club but they want to see my bank statements for the last three months." She rolled her eyes as she took a sip of the coffee that she caused so much noise making. "Do you know where it is?" Organisation never had been Trisha's strong point, hence why anything administrative, both at work and at home, had always been left to Nikki to deal with.

"I keep all our paperwork in the bookshelf, that way it's easy to find." Easy to find for herself, perhaps, but a book shelf was the last place her ex would ever have gone near. She was a glossy magazine kind of gal. "Drink your coffee, I'll get it."

Flattening her bed hair down as she walked down the hallway, she took a quick peek into Ellidah's room to see if Helen was perhaps inside with their daughter, but Ellidah was still sound asleep in her bed and the room was noticeably empty. Nikki's stomach dropped at the realisation that Helen had already got up and left. She quickly tried to rationalise why but for every positive thought, there were several negatives that followed.

Her cheeks flushed as she thought back to the evenings events. They certainly weren't how she had planned them to be. She felt foolish and cringed at how forceful she must have been. _You are an idiot, Wade. _She shook the thoughts and mortification away as she reached to grab the file marked "wage slips/statements". As she bent her head, another manila folder lying open on the writing bureau to her side caught her attention. On it lay a single sheet of white paper, scribble with some neat handwriting.

"Maybe I am dead? H. X"

"Shit!" Nikki ran her hand across the neatly stacked hard back books and angrily scooped them from the shelf. "Fuck!" She screamed out the expletive without realising Trisha was now standing behind her.

"What's wrong?" Trisha's eyes were widened in fear. She had only very rarely seen Nikki lose her cool like this, and for it to appear so out of the blue worried her. "Nik, what's happened?" She gently placed her hand on Nikki's shoulder to steady her.

"Helen. She's read Ellidah's file." She bent down to pick up her precious books from the floor and stacked them untidily back on the shelf. Anger had now given way to helplessness.

"And that's bad because…?" Trisha was still none the wiser to what was happening in front of her. "Wasn't she supposed to read it? It's not classified information, is it?"

"Yes. No. Shit, I don't know. Look." She held up the piece of paper that Helen had written on so that Trisha could read it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nikki shrugged although she had a fair idea of what Helen was alluding to. She just didn't want to spend hours having an in depth discussion about it when her ex-partner. The issue of why Ellidah was given up for adoption was the one topic both Helen and Nikki had skirted around in their conversations. Neither had dared to enter a territory that was almost forbidden. "Has something happened between you two?" Trisha quizzed further, her sixth sense telling her Nikki was missing out a massive portion of the story. But to Nikki's luck, she was saved by the bell.

The familiar rapping from the brass knocker on the front door was like music to Nikki's ears. She dashed towards it in the hope that Helen ,somehow, was coming back but through the glass she could see this wasn't the case. Instead of the petite Scot, there stood her attorney, Jonathon Myres in casual attire.

"Jon. I didn't realise we had a meeting?" Nikki looked perplexed at his presence so early on a Sunday morning.

"We don't but I had to speak to you. Can I come in?" Jonathon was the kind of man whose face was always staunchly neutral - you could never read him, but today Nikki saw something in his eyes that worried her.

"Of course, go straight through to the kitchen."

"I've been trying to get a hold of you since Friday." He sounded irate but was too well-mannered to show the extent of his anger.

"Sorry, I've been busy and haven't been checking my phone…what's so urgent?" She looked worriedly at Trisha.

"I spoke to Marion, Helen's lead attorney on Friday afternoon and I think we are under prepared for what's coming in the courtroom tomorrow. Their legal team are planning to use some pretty damning evidence against you…did you know that?" Nikki shook her head as she tried to compute what she was being told.

"No, Helen never said anything."

"Well, she wouldn't, would she?" Jonathon laughed, bitterly but Nikki didn't share his cynicism. Helen had promised her almost from day one that there would be no dirty underhand tactics from her side and now Nikki was wondering if she had been so blinkered by attraction that she had managed to be reeled right in to a Machiavellian ploy. Was that why Helen was acting so shiftily? Was her conscience getting the better of her? "So now we have to try and work out a strategy for how tomorrow will commence. In the last few weeks has Ms Stewart let anything slip about her private life that could be damaging to her character?"

"No and I've told you before, if she had, I wouldn't use it against her."

"Very well," Jonathon shrugged and pushed his glasses back off the bridge of his nose. "If that's the way you want it, so be it. But I can't flog a dead horse, Nicola." He rummaged through his paperwork and settled on a set of freshly jotted notes. "I would suggest that Trisha doesn't join us tomorrow." Nikki quickly looked over to the blonde expecting a negative reaction but instead of looking offended, she amiably nodded in agreement. "Marion has dragged a woman…" he looked down at his own rather unintelligible scribbles. "a Ms Caroline Lewis, out of the woodwork and well, I expect you both know the rest." He coughed embarrassedly and continued through his untidy notations. "Judge, QC Henderson wants to speak with Ellidah before court proceeds, so we've been asked to be there at least forty five minutes beforehand."

"She has her swimming lesson…" Nikki butted in quickly before Jonathon carried on with his list of demands and expectations, ignoring her interjection.

"I'll take her afterwards if she's well enough," Trisha suggested to calm a situation she could feel was perilously close to becoming a stand off. The tension was still thick in the air but at least for the moment Nikki was appeased and quiet.

"Good. Now that that is agreed, can I also ask that you also don't bring Ms Atkins to support you. Your affiliation with her is seriously damaging to this appeal. Claire Walker was on the prosecution team at the manslaughter trial of her husband, Charlie, and if this is even remotely referred to tomorrow, it will throw up a massive red flag as to Ellidah's welfare." Nikki looked appalled at the suggestion.

"Yvonne is my friend, and a bloody good one at that! Without her I'd be nothing." Nikki seethed through clenched teeth.

"Well, with her, you may have no daughter, it's up to you." Jonathan shrugged nonchalantly and shuffled together his papers, putting them back in his briefcase, neatly. It was clear for everyone to see that this was a job to him and no more. If he felt any kind of sorrow for his client then he certainly wasn't showing it. "I am going to fight this until the end tomorrow, but Nicola, I have to warn you…my branch of law may be corporate, but never the less, I can tell when I am about to lose a case and right now, I'm not feeling at all hopeful."

"You're telling me that tomorrow I'm going to lose my daughter? Nikki's question sounded desperate and panicked and with good reason. For the first time in a long time the reality of the enormity of her situation hit her straight in the solar plexus and mentally she baulked.

"No, not necessarily." He looked up from the table to stare directly into Nikki's eyes. "But I am telling you to prepare for the worst."

Helen felt agitated. Agitated to the point where she had been home for several hours and in that time she had been around her two-bed roomed, two-bath roomed house twice and cleaned it until it sparkled like a diamond. Because if she stopped and sat down for just one minute, her brain would go into overdrive and her thoughts were perilously unsafe.

Stripping her hands of the luminous yellow marigolds, she threw herself down at the kitchen table, exhausted, physically and mentally.

A pile of unopened mail sat at her hands but all she could do was stare at the envelopes vacantly whilst in her head she took herself right back to Nikki Wade's bedroom.

They stood in the darkness; the silver moonlight from the window illuminated the bed. The only noise that could be heard was the dull, repetitive thumping of Helen's anxious heart and the stilted, amorous breaths in anticipation of what was about to occur between them.

_I want you._

Helen said the words in her mind but didn't dare let them escape the lips that were now entwined in Nikki's, passionately dancing together in lust-filled bliss.

Shivers tore down her spine as a slender finger brushed lazily along her collar bone, tracing its way down the centre of her décolleté and to the curve of her breast, where she felt the top button of her shirt pop open.

"Wait," Helen held her hand over Nikki's to still her from opening any more buttons on her top.

"You want to talk again?" Nikki sounded exasperated as she reluctantly pulled herself from the warm proximity of Helen's body.

"Please don't make me feel guilty for not wanting to jump into your bed." She grasped Nikki's hand; the hand that moments before had been on the verge of driving her senses wild. "I know that I like you…a lot. But whilst we are both on opposite sides of the fence, I can't do this." She begged for Nikki's understanding.

"You can't do me, you mean?" Nikki's facial expression was that of a disappointed child and it made Helen smile warmly.

"I just don't want to rush anything. I've had a lifetime of throwing myself into mindless sex and then having to deal with the consequences after. I don't want that to be the case with us." Nikki knew what Helen was alluding to and she understood why she would be cautious. "If Ellidah wasn't in the equation, maybe things would be different, but she is, so…"

"So it's not because I'm a woman?" Helen screwed up her face and smiled again. For someone so intelligent, Nikki Wade could certainly be dense at times. Or at least, she only saw what she wanted to see…things that usually weren't there!

"I'll hold my hands up and admit that on the sexuality spectrum, I'm not too sure where I belong." Nikki bowed her head an nodded that she understood, but she didn't understand a thing. "Hey," Helen lifted Nikki's chin so that once again their eyes met. She needed Nikki to see her sincerity. "But that doesn't mean I'm not open to exploring my feelings." She reached across and took Nikki's hand back into her own. She liked the feeling of their fingers entwined together. "When the time feels right, things will be different. Until then, you'll just have to keep your hormones in check, Nikki." Helen's smile illuminated the darkened room.

"Okay, but please don't leave. Stay with me and let me get to know you better. No funny business." Nikki held up her hands to show that, against her better judgment, she would be keeping them to herself.

"Stay the night?" Helen checked she was hearing right.

"Yes. Here." Nikki patted the side of the bed Helen was now sitting on.

"Is that wise after…" She wagged her index finger between them.

"Yes, look, Helen, I know I've given the impression that I am a sex-starved teenage boy, but if anything, be flattered by it because I am never like this." As far as Nikki was concerned, Helen was as tempting as the apple in the Garden of Eden but she didn't want to have just one forbidden bite. She wanted to savour it and make it last forever.

"So, what do you want to know?" Helen shifted herself so that her back was against the headboard, she pulled her legs up to her chest and stole a pillow from Nikki's side to cuddle in to.

"You're staying then?" Nikki's elated smile was one of disbelief. She was so sure Helen would disagree with the idea and be off in a shot.

"I'll need something to sleep in…" Nikki was up and off the bed to fetch a t-shirt before Helen got to finish her sentence. Her eagerness, instead of being off-putting, warmed Helen's heart. No one had ever shown as much interest in her before now. Thomas had always been far too busy with work to pay too much attention to her needs and Sean, well, Sean had a selfish streak that ran right through the middle of him. He was always entirely certain he was putting Helen first when, in actual fact, her feelings where the least of his concerns. Their relationship was built on Sean's assumptions and Helen's willingness to allow his behaviour to go unchecked.

"Tell me more about Scotland." Nikki lay down on her back and closed over her eyes. Listening to that sweet Scottish lilt in Helen's voice was like hearing the waves crash peacefully on to the shore; a hypnotic quality that took her to a safe and relaxing place. And It wasn't long before the serenity cocooned her.

The restful, slow-paced breathing told Helen that Nikki's tired body had finally succumbed to all those sleepless nights with Ellidah. It was the most serene Helen had ever seen her face look. Not a worry nor a care showed. Her creased brow was softened and her eyelids flickered almost imperceptibly, indicating she was dreaming; Helen hoped it was about her.

Gently easing herself from the bed so as not to disturb Nikki's sleep, Helen crept on her tiptoes to the door and let herself ease through it as quietly as possible. With each squeak of the floorboard she paused and grimaced before she carried on towards the living room in search of a good book that would settle her insomnia and allow her to drift off into slumber.

Starting at the stop shelf, she browsed leisurely through the titles, stopping very occasionally at titles she had never heard of to read the blurb on the back. Most were Victorian classics, infiltrated by the occasional work of popular lesbian fiction.

_Oranges are not the only fruit. _Helen turned the slim book around and scanned the synopsis. It sounded like something she could relate to. Growing up in a religious household where almost every second of the day you were preached at or judged by your Father and then ultimately, by God. In her household, the gospel according to James Stewart dictated that, He was forever watching and determining if your behaviour would get you into Heaven. Helen remembered the time as a child that she had likened God to Santa Claus and received a slap across the back of the legs for her impudence. Now, as an adult, she wondered what God would think of a man of the cloth beating his child. Because that had been the first slap of many. They were always excused as ways to teach her a lesson, but she never did learn. The only thing she took away from childhood was that religion was a massive contradiction that she would never get her head around.

She slid the book back in amongst the others. The subject matter was far too raw. She wanted something light and mind numbing; something almost childlike that wouldn't make her think. For a moment she wondered if she should have gone to her daughters room in search of reading material instead, but she was looking for something a little more challenging than _The Hungry Caterpillar_

As she moved along the sea of paperbacks, she eyes suddenly set upon a folder with Ellidah's name written in black marker down the spine. Curiosity getting the better of her, she pulled it free to have a better look. On the front was a stamped address of the Surrey Social Work Department and then, in the corner, the familiar pink logo of the adoption agency that had placed Ellidah in Nikki Wades care.

She sat down at the writing desk that Nikki had adorned with a handful of mixed picture frames, all with their daughter in one guise or another. She opened the folder to reveal a substantial wad of paperwork, all dating back to March 24th 2009, the day after her daughter was born. The first words she read made her stomach contract quite unexpectedly and as she held her mouth and closed her eyes, she wretched.

_Father: Unknown, Mother: Deceased. _She freely let the tears that pricked at the corners of her eyes fall urgently down her face, until her vision was so blurred that she couldn't read any further.

Even now hours later and in the comfort of her own home, Helen felt the pain of that one word stab at her soul. _Deceased. _Dead. Gone. Ironically, it was true. She may always have been there in body, but the day her daughter left her, a piece of her soul died…a piece she was yet to get back.

The morning slowly drifted into afternoon and afternoon soon became early evening. A bottle of vodka sat unopened on the coffee table, the TV was on in the background yet muted, and Helen sat on the sofa with her laptop on her knee, browsing job vacancies at the Home Office. Her time away from Larkhall had proved to her that the Prison Service no longer made her happy. The fulfilment she once got from her work had long gone and it was time to jump ship before it sunk.

The sound of a car pulling up outside her window broke into the silence of her living room. It made her look down to the right hand corner of her screen. 11.14pm. It was only seeing how late it was that brought home how tired she felt. It had been a long weekend…in fact, it had been a long month. She closed over the computer and lifted the bottle of Stolichnaya to take it back to the kitchen. But as her hand grasped it, the doorbell rang and almost made her jump out of her skin.

She stood prostrate for a second to catch her breath and consider who it could be this late on a Sunday evening. She considered ignoring it until the person went away, but when the ringing became more furious, she had no option but to go see who was there. With fear in the pit of her stomach, she opened the door.

"Nikki, what the…?" Helen was flabbergasted to see Nikki standing at her front door in the rain, with a semi-asleep Ellidah in her arms. The manic, desperate glare in her brown eyes signified something was very wrong. "Come in." Her fear had gone to relief and now to anxiousness.

"You have to take her," Nikki thrust the dead weight of her daughter into Helen's arms almost winding her in the process.

"Is something wrong? Is it Trisha?" Helen wanted to beg Nikki to stop pacing around the hallway and talk to her but she seemed far too distressed for that.

"I can't handle this, Helen. I thought I was in control but I'm not." Her chin trembled forcefully and her brown puppy dog eyes filled with tears that escaped freely, cascading towards the raindrops on her jacket. "I had the reality hit me between the eyes today and I know it's for the best that you take Ellidah now. She needs to settle and get used to the move."

"And did you take anyone else into consideration during this epiphany?" Helen's eyes bulged at the absurdity of Nikki's rash and ill thought out decision. "I don't have a single thing here to accommodate a child." Helen didn't have as much as a sippy cup. Every time she had gone to buy little bits and pieces for her daughter, the silly notion that she was jinxing the outcome of the trial stopped her in her tracks. Now she wished she had ignored her irrational mind and stocked up.

"I'm sorry, Helen. About everything. About Ellidah…about us." Nikki's long legs strode back towards the front door. "I'll tell the judge tomorrow that I am relinquishing my rights as Ellidah's guardian."

"Don't do this, Nikki." Helen laid her daughter down on the sofa as gently as she could in the haste to follow Nikki's mad dash back to her car. "Nikki, wait!" Helen heard the door slam and she was momentarily torn between running out barefooted into the rain-soaked street or tending to Ellidah, whose eyes were now open and staring at her in innocent confusion. She looked back and forth between the door and the child and the pleading hazel eyes that were now tearing up won.

"'Len…I want my Mummy." Ellidah sobbed into her blanket as Helen wrapped her tightly into a loving embrace.

"Me, too, sweetheart…me too."


End file.
